Kissing Fire.

When I stepped back into the apartment and shut the door, everyone immediately hopped up from their seats in the living room and rushed over. They showered me with questions about what Nick wanted and what had happened in the hallway, as they were certain they’d heard Harry’s voice. I leaned back against the door, still trying to process my own thoughts along with their questions.

“Did Nick leave?” Marina finally asked after they’d all quieted down a bit. I nodded quickly, not being to able to find words. “And where’s Harry?” she asked slowly, her eyes trained on me. I shook my head, tears still gathered in my eyes. I had no clue where Harry could have gone.
This wasn’t the plan. And I knew that now. This is what Marina had meant when she said that Nick was going to get in the way. Harry was meant to surprise me. Well, he had done just that, though not in the way he’d meant to, I’m sure.

“What if he’s gone?” My voice came out in just above a whisper, a few tears slowly leaking from my eyes. Marina quickly hushed me, pulling me into her arms.

“He’s not gone, baby, I promise. He needs to see you just as much as you need to see him. He’s still here. Just- just think,” she murmured before holding me at arm’s length. “Think of all the places you went together. Where would he have gone?” Her eyes bored into mine and I wracked my brain, thinking of every single place I’d visited with him.

We’d all moved back into the living room and I slowly sunk onto the couch, still lost in thought. I’d barely acknowledged Zayn lowering his body next to mine and placing a reassuring hand on my knee. I hardly registered Danielle sitting on the other side of me and rubbing my back in a soothing manner. None of that mattered. All that mattered was Harry, and I had to figure out where he’d gone.

But we’d gone everywhere in New York City, it had seemed. Countless hours had been spent all over the island. He could have been anywhere. Think, think. He’d have gone somewhere he felt safe, somewhere he wouldn’t be spotted. Fifteen minutes had passed and I was still drawing a blank. Everyone had started offering ideas, but nothing seemed to fit.

“What about the last day you two hung out? Did you go anywhere significant?” Louis finally voiced, his eyebrows knit together as he looked over to me. And suddenly it hit me.

“Lou, you’re a genius.” I leapt up from my seat and placed a swift kiss on his cheek before all but running from the apartment. I raced down the hallway and quickly jabbed at the button for the elevator, but nixed the idea after waiting for three seconds. So I tore down the stairs, two at a time, which was quite the feat in my shoes, and ran from the building to hail a cab. After what felt like forever but was probably only thirty seconds, a cab stopped for me and I threw myself into the backseat. “Times Square, please,” I gasped out as I tried to control my breathing. The man seemed to sense my urgency and wasted no time in getting me to my destination. I quickly handed him the money and leapt from the vehicle as my eyes darted around the expanse of people. He was here, I knew it. He just had to be. As I spun in circles searching for that curly mop of hair, I’d finally noticed that it was raining. Sorry, not raining, but pouring. Fuck. What if he’d kept away from the outdoors then?

No, he seemed really distraught. A bit of rain wouldn’t have mattered to him. I was breathing heavily as I jogged deeper into the sea of people. Good Lord, it was raining, go home! Why was the city so crowded today? Right, it was only two days after Christmas. I continued to walk deeper into the mass, looking every which way for the boy. I’d made my way over to those large red bleacher type things, hoping some height would aid my search. But it seemed I didn’t need it.

At the top of the stairs, in the far right corner, I’d spotted those unmistakable curls. His head was buried in his arms, but I was sure it was him. I slowly made my way up to him before placing my body next to his. He didn’t look up, but I hadn’t expected him to. It didn’t matter who was sitting next to him. He couldn’t have cared.

“Makes you feel small, doesn’t it?” His body visibly tensed at my words before he slowly lifted his head. His curls hung heavy around his face, his fringe matted to his forehead. And it was difficult to tell if he’d been crying or if it was simply the rain. One thing was for sure though; he looked tired. He looked completely and utterly worn out. Deep, dark circles hung under his eyes and his cheeks seemed more hollowed out. His eyes didn’t hold that normal sparkle that they used to. And it was because of me.

“How did you find me?” His voice was a dull murmur, his eyes refusing to meet mine.

“Lou helped me figure it out. He’s a good friend, you know.”

“‘course he is. He’s my best mate, dunno what I’d do without him.” Smiles touched our lips as we were brought back to that afternoon in the hotel suite kitchen. The day it all really began. We sat in a comfortable silence as we reminisced, forgetting about the rain that was soaking us to the bone.

“You left me,” he finally whispered, his eyes glazing over. I quickly looked up to him, my eyes filling with tears as well.

“Harry-”

“I’ve never felt so lost. I- I just...why?” With a sigh, I stood from my seat and extended a hand toward him.

“Let’s go back to the apartment.”

“I’m not moving,” he answered in a hard voice, causing me to roll my eyes.

“It wasn’t a question. Let’s go.”

“Not until you talk to me.”

“Harry, please,” I begged, extending my hand again for emphasis. “I’m not having you get sick for me. We will go back to my apartment and get you changed and we’ll talk, okay? Please, let’s just get out of this rain. You’ve got to be freezing.” He let out a sigh, but finally took my hand and let me help him up. His fingers tangled with mine, and I was tempted to pull away, but decided against it as we descended the stairs.

“Can’t really feel much anymore, to be honest,” he spoke with a small chuckle, causing me to laugh and shake my head.

“You’re crazy, Harold. Absolutely crazy.” I started to try to hail a cab, but he stopped me, asking if we could walk. Since it was only about ten blocks and we were already wet, I gave in to his wishes and we headed for the apartment, staying attached at the hand.

The walk was silent and soon I was opening to the door to my apartment. Immediately everyone was up from their seats and turning to see who was coming through the door. I think I even saw them visibly relax upon seeing Harry in tow.

“Haz, you’re okay!” Louis cried as he pulled Harry into a one armed hug, as the taller boy refused to let go of my hand. Harry nodded and gave Louis a pat on the back before they pulled apart. “So what’s going on?” the oldest boy asked as everyone surveyed the two of us.

“We’re going to get changed,” I answered quietly before pulling Harry to my room. I wasn’t ready for their questions, and neither was he, as we hadn’t discussed anything just yet. I gently eased the door shut behind me before turning to face Harry. His shoulders were slumped forward as he stood facing me, his entire body looking like it could crumble at any second. “Did you want to take a shower?” I asked gingerly, my eyes meeting his for the briefest of seconds. He shook his head after a few moments.

“No, I’m just going to borrow some clothes from the boys.” Everyone’s bags had been dropped in my room for some reason, so Harry moved to rummage through Louis’ bag and grab some sweatpants and a teeshirt.

“I’ll, uhm, run your stuff through the dryer.” My voice shook slightly as he unbuttoned his shirt at a painfully slow pace, exposing his toned chest and stomach. I quickly scurried to the bathroom to retrieve some towels and handed one to him before he took off his jeans. I tried to look anywhere but at him, but it was proving to be difficult. It’d been so long since I’d seen him and he just looked so perfect. I took another large gulp before taking his jeans and shirt from him. “Yeah, so I’ll just put these in the dryer,” I spoke as I checked his pockets for anything. I felt something cold and metal in one of the front pockets and I quickly pulled it out to find that it was the ‘H’ bracelet. My eyes glazed over for the fiftieth time that day as they rose to meet his. He played with his hands as his eyes held mine, both of us struggling to control ourselves. “Harry-” I choked out lamely as I looked back at the bracelet.

“I just- I wanted you to have it again-”

“I can’t. I can’t take this right now.” So with another sigh, I turned and left the room, ignoring the stares of our friends in the living room. I’d left the bracelet on top of the dryer after tossing his clothing inside and quickly made my way back to my bedroom. He’d vacated the room so I quickly stripped and dried myself off thoroughly with one of the puffy towels. Once I felt dry enough, I slipped on some leggings, a sweater, and some long socks. Then I’d tossed my hair into a messy bun and made my way back into the living room. Everyone was sprawled around the room, the only seat left right between Zayn and Harry. Typically they would try to put us together. Didn’t they understand this was going to take a little time? I let out a sigh, not exactly wanting to deal with that at the moment, before moving to the kitchen to make some hot tea. I’d filled the kettle and placed it on the stove before leaning on the counter, head resting in my hands. This was not exactly the birthday I’d been anticipating. I vaguely remember hearing someone enter the kitchen before a body leaned on the counter next to me, our arms brushing.

“Hi,” Harry whispered, his voice sounding tired and defeated. I willed with every fiber of my being to keep from crying again. God, when did I turn into such a softie?

“Hi.” We stood in silence after that, and I wanted nothing more than to have him wrap his arms around me and make everything better. We had both been foolish and I knew I was being stubborn. He’d clearly apologized for what had happened, but a small piece of me was just refusing to accept it. What was my damage? This boy, this fantastically wonderful boy, cared for me and wanted to be with me and make me happy. And what was I doing? Pushing him away? “I’m sorry,” I finally whimpered, but it was drowned out by the kettle’s screaming and he’d never heard it. Realizing my words had fallen on deaf ears, I quickly moved to get the kettle and started pouring the water into mugs. But I couldn’t just wait for this conversation to happen. I’d waited in London and let myself chicken out and I just couldn’t do that again. The kettle fell back to the counter with a crash -- thankfully not spilling -- and Harry’s body immediately turned in my direction, his brow furrowed and his eyes concerned. My eyes fell to the floor and I could feel myself shaking, just ready to burst.

“Emerson?” His voice came out quiet and slow, just how I liked it, and the one single word sent me over the edge. My eyes immediately filled with tears as they rose to meet his, his face falling at the sight. Without another thought, I’d launched myself into his body, my arms tightly wrapping around his middle.

“I’m so sorry,” I sobbed, the tears freely flowing down my face now. I gripped the back of his shirt tightly, never wanting to let go. This boy, this fantastically wonderful, stupid boy, had taken my heart captive and it was tearing me to shreds to have been apart from him like this. “God, I’m so sorry, Harry. I’m so stupid, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I cried over and over again, his arms wrapping around my body and holding me tight. I felt his body shake slightly and I knew he must have been crying, too, and that killed me even more. “I’m such a stupid, stupid girl and I’m so sorry-”

“Hey, that’s enough. You’re not stupid. Shh, Em, please relax.” His hands rubbed at my back as he held me impossibly closer, trying to soothe my incessant sobbing.

“Yes I am, this is all my fault and-” My words were cut off as he pulled me away from him slightly, his large hands coming up to cup my face.

“Stop. This is not your fault. I did this, I pushed you away-”

“But I ran! I couldn’t just fucking fix things like an adult. I bolted like a stupid, scared child-”

“Stop. We both messed up. I’m not mad at you for any of this. Please, you can’t do this to yourself.”

But it felt I couldn’t hear him. I mean, I had heard him, but I couldn’t just forgive myself. This felt like it was my fault. Yes, Harry had pushed me away, but why couldn’t I have just fixed it? Why couldn’t I have handled things properly? So the tears kept falling and my fingers fisted his shirt tightly as the sobs kept rocking my body. He continued to hush me and rub my back, trying to get me to calm down.

Never in my life had I felt so terrified and so completely safe at the same time. It was like everything was completely warped when I was with Harry. Up was down and left was right and nothing made sense and everything was perfectly clear. And I needed him.

“You need to lie down, Em. Take a nap, and we’ll figure this whole thing out later. You’re going to make yourself sick,” he murmured as he pulled away slightly, causing me to only hold him tighter. A small chuckle escaped his lips as he pulled me back in, placing a gentle kiss to my hair. “Please go lie down?”
His voice was just a whisper, but I felt myself nod and soon he was holding me in his arms, his left arm tucked under my knees. My head fell to his chest as my cries continued, and he silently walked back through the living room to my bedroom. I could only imagine the looks on everyone’s faces. I’m sure I was a sight to see.

But soon we were alone and safe and Harry was kicking my door shut behind us. Ever so gently, he laid my body on the bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. Tears were still rolling as he turned to leave, but my hand quickly shot out to his.

“Please- please stay,” I hiccuped, my eyes finding his. If at all possible, his face softened even more before he silently nodded and climbed into the bed next to me. He rolled his body to face mine, and I was quickly nuzzled into him, my head falling in the crook of his neck. A loud sigh escaped his lips as his arm came around my waist, pulling me even closer. “Would you sing for me?” My voice was scratchy and I couldn’t have felt more pathetic and disgusting if I’d tried, but he placed a small kiss on my forehead and suddenly the world was right.

“Am I asleep, am I awake, or somewhere in between?” His voice was soft and velvety and I felt myself relaxing in his arms as my hand became tangled in his shirt. I had missed him. God, was that an understatement. And I knew things weren’t all talked out yet, and I knew that I would probably be crying again later. But for that moment, things were okay. Because I was with Harry, and he was with me.