You're Just Like Me

When I heard the door to the bus open and Roxy’s voice addressing my band mates, I was tempted to run out and confront her but before I could make a decision, she appeared in my our room.

‘Ronnie,’ she said, walking over and sitting on my bed beside me.

‘So, who’s your new best friend then? And how many drinks did you have with him?’

‘What?’

‘Don’t pretend you don’t know. I saw you sat at a bar talking to him,’ I accused.

‘Yeah, so what? You know how little people I have in my life and he was really nice to me. And I drank nothing but coke. You know I wouldn’t touch alcohol. And Max, the guy I was talking to...’

‘I know what his fucking name is,’ I snapped at her.

‘Ok then. But he was really nice about the fact that I wouldn’t drink and said he actually admired me for it.’

‘So, did you tell him why you were there?’

‘Why am I not allowed to talk to other people?’

‘Well, I’m clearly not!’

‘Do you know what? I came back here to talk to you about the therapy thing and apologise about how much of a bitch I was but if you’re gonna be like this...’ she said.

She looked hurt again, and I knew I was the only one who could be blamed for it. But I have a temper and if she’s gonna start getting friendly with my ex-best friend who, it’s quite clear from my music, I cannot stand, well, I guess I ‘hate’ even if that is a strong word, then she should expect me to snap.

‘I think I have a right to be like this.’

‘Why? Because I was talking to someone else and you don’t like that?’

Then I remembered. She never knew Escape The Fate. Why would she know who she was talking to?

‘Why don’t you call Vix? Ask her why I might be pissed that you were talking to him?’ I replied; Vix was bound to know.

‘Fuck you, I have a merch stand to set up,’ she said simply, standing up and leaving the room.

Ok, now I felt terrible. She didn’t know who she was talking to, she didn’t deserve all that. I stayed sat on my bed, thinking about me and Rox. I loved her, there was no doubt about that, but the minute my anger takes over, I stop thinking. If I was being rational I would have told her why I didn’t want her talking to him and exactly who he is. Why the fuck didn’t I? This is exactly why I have a right to be anxious about a relationship; I fuck things up because I don’t think. That’s just what I do and I’m going to do it again, I know it. I’m a shit boyfriend and I don’t know what she sees in me.

I must have drifted off, as I was woken up an hour later by my phone ringing. It was a number I didn’t recognise.

‘Hello?’

‘Ronnie, its Vix,’ said the voice on the other end.

‘Oh, hi,’ I said, confused. ‘What’s up?’

‘I’ve been talking to Roxy,’ she started.

I sighed heavily. I knew she’d been talking to Roxy; otherwise we wouldn’t have fallen out earlier.

‘First off, don’t be too hard on her about the whole therapy thing, I’m sorry I told her if you didn’t want her to know, I just assumed you would have said something.’

‘I wasn’t deliberately hiding it from her, and I know what she’s like and why she’s pissed off about it.’

‘Good. Now for the bit I’m gonna have a go at you about. You know I really like you and think you’re awesome, but I’m the closest to a family Roxy has right now so I’m gonna stick up for her,’ Vix explained.

I took a deep breath and braced myself for what was coming next.

‘I understand you really care about her but what the fuck’s with her not being allowed to talk to other guys and make new friends? I mean, God knows she needs some seeing as all her old friends were pricks,’ she ranted.

‘Can I just stop you there? I know exactly what it’s like; coming out of prison and having your old friends hate you and needing to find new people to rely on. That’s why I had a go at her. She was talking to Max Green,’ I explained.

There was silence on the other end of the line.

‘But, thinking about it, she wouldn’t know who Max Green was would she? You’re the Escape fan,’ I said.

‘No, no she wouldn’t. Are you going to explain or am I?’ she asked me.

‘Is she more likely to kill me if I let you tell her?’

‘Probably, given the fact that this all started because you weren’t open with her,’ Vix said, almost sympathetically.

‘Alright, I’ll tell her after the show tonight.’

‘Can’t you tell her now?’

‘No, doors are opening in a couple of minutes and she has a job to do,’ I explained.

‘Well, stop talking to me and use those couple of minutes to talk to her.’

‘Vix, I know you have your best mate’s interests at heart here, but I’m not doing this in a couple of minutes and she’s already front of house, ok? I think it’s best if I do it later when we can sit down and talk properly,’ I told her.

‘Fair enough,’ she said. ‘Good luck.’

‘Thanks, see ya.’

And then Vix hung up.

I was gonna suck so bad tonight. My mind is not on playing a show.

***

‘Thank you so much,’ I called to the fans as we finished ‘The Drug In Me Is You’ and made our way offstage.

When I reached the dressing room I grabbed a towel and started drying myself off from all the sweat that had accumulated from performing under those lights before pulling on a fresh t-shirt.

‘Guys,’ I called to my bands mates. ‘I’m gonna head out to merch and hang with the fans. Any of you coming?’

I got a few ‘yeah’s and ‘ok’s murmured in response and walked round to front of house.

Roxy was really busy, but as people noticed me they started to crowd me instead of the merch stand. As I smiled and chatted with fans, signing shirts and posing for pictures I gradually made my way over to Rox.

‘When you’re done here, please come straight back to the bus I really need to talk to you,’ I whispered to her once I’d reached her.

She simply nodded and continued rummaging around for change for the kid stood in front of us.

I turned back to the fans once I had spoken to her. Eventually they all filtered away.

‘Do you want a hand packing up?’

‘Its fine, it won’t take long and there are probably more fans waiting for you outside,’ Roxy replied never making eye contact as she fussed with all the boxes.

‘I don’t mind helping, as much as they mean to me, I love you, if you need...’

‘I said I’m fine, Ronald,’ she snapped, standing up straight but still not making eye contact. ‘I’ll see you on the bus.’

She had never called me Ronald, not once. Not even in a jokey way as Jacky sometimes did. I didn’t bother saying anything else; she clearly didn’t want me so I walked outside to the screams of fans. One of the security guards went to stop them but I told him to leave it and I found myself surrounded by fans. Again, I was as polite and talkative as can be given all the thoughts running through my head at the time.

Once everyone was happy that I had acknowledged them, I made my way to the bus where I found Roxy talking happily to Ryan.

‘Roxy,’ I said, approaching her. ‘Can you come through to the back? We need to talk.’

She nodded and walked through to my mini bedroom ahead of me.

‘So, am I expecting an explanation?’ she asked sitting on the bed we had been sharing and crossing her arms.

I nodded.

‘Well, it better be good, Ryan has offered to sleep on the sofa so I can stay in his bunk,’ she told me.

‘Hopefully you’ll understand so...’ I said before trying to find the words to make my girlfriend forgive me for being such a dick today. ‘First off, I want to explain why I was so pissed about you talking to the guy at the bar,’ Roxy didn’t say anything so I continued. ‘His name is Max Green. He is the bassist for Escape The Fate.’

There was a slight look of recognition on Roxy’s face.

‘I know I never spoke about him, well, by name at least, but he used to be my best mate. In a way I guess he’s my Bobby. We started the band together, we did everything together, including all the drugs and drinking, I know I can’t entirely blame him for what’s happened to me, I mean I could have said no to the drugs but I didn’t want to. Max was the one supposed to take me to rehab and help me clean up but he didn’t, he just continued to help fuel my addictions. He then kicked me out the band that I co-founded with him, which was fair enough, I mean, you know why he did it, I wasn’t allowed out of Nevada, which made touring hard, but he didn’t make an attempt to help me or stay in contact with me or suggest that I could come back when I had my life back on track. This guy was supposed to be my best friend and he just ditched me, travelling the world, living our dream without me,’ I explained before sitting next to her on the bed.

‘I know I should have told you all this earlier, but when my temper goes, so does the rational thinking part of my brain. As for the therapy, it was mainly to help me adjust to life outside prison. You hadn’t been in there as long as me so you didn’t struggle as much. I was institutionalised, coming out and being surrounded by so many people and sounds, you can’t understand how strange and hard it was to deal with that again.’

There was a few moments silence before Roxy spoke up.

‘Thank you for explaining everything and I do forgive you for being mad that I was talking to Max, I wouldn’t be thrilled if people from my new life were talking to Bobby. But I’m still mad at you for not explaining everything sooner,’ she told me.

‘I know, and I have no excuse other than my temper. But do you understand why I don’t and can’t trust myself in a relationship? This is Ronnie Radke. This is who I am and what I do. I fuck things up.’

‘Yeah, but you can also fix them,’ she told me, taking hold of my hand. ‘All it takes is communication. I mean, I know what your tempers like, you’re just like me as far as that goes. Technically, the whole reason we met is because we are both stubborn and we both have short tempers. You just need to learn to think,’ she finished, leaning in and placing a kiss on my cheek. ‘If you don’t mind I’m still gonna stay in the bunk tonight, but I do forgive you for the most part and at least understand the rest.’

I nodded and before she could stand up to leave I took hold of her neck and kissed her lips.

‘I still love you,’ I whispered. ‘Never forget that.’

She smiled at me, before leaving the room.

I sighed and lay back against my pillow. Was this relationship ever going to get easier?