No Regrets.

There I was, lying awake in my bed; afraid to close my eyes. Roman had his arm draped lazily over my waist. I could feel his touch; but the bed beside me felt empty. I sighed and slipped out the bed, luckily without waking Roman. I silently opened and closed our bedroom door. I turned and saw John’s sleeping figure on the couch; I tiptoed to the kitchen.

I tried my best to stay quiet as I rummaged through the kitchen. I sat at the bar and ate my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My mind continued to wonder through the memories that were still spilling over. Tears were on the brim of escaping, I hurriedly wiped them away. The light behind me switched on and I spun around; John. There he was, standing just a few steps from me; in only boxers.

My mind was clouded with all of the nights John and I spent together; after parties when he would take care of me and the nights when we were dating and had to sneak around and not make noise. The memory of the first time we had sex snuck its way through the other thoughts. I shook my head; the final thought that crossed my mind was seeing John lying in his vomit. That was the day he almost died from alcohol poising.

“Kay?” John’s voice broke me away.

I glanced at him, my eyes locked on his, “Yeah?”

He scratched the back of his neck, “You’re crying.”

My hand found its way to my face, sure enough there were tears; I quickly wiped them away.

“Sorry.” I whispered.

He didn’t say anything. I turned back around, not wanting to face him anymore. I heard him step closer, within seconds he was sitting next to me.

“How have you been?” He questioned.

I rolled my eyes, he noticed, “Why did you do it John?”

He knew exactly what I was talking about. For the past four years the two of us had waited for this conversation; him, more than me.

He took a deep breath, “There’s no excuse.”

No excuse. For the first time in a long time, John had a mature response. He was right; there was no excuse that could change anything that happened between us.

I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut in, “But I do want to say that I’m sorry.”

I nodded and he continued, “And that it really didn’t mean anything. I didn’t even know she was going to kiss me. I don’t even remember the girl’s name. But I do remember that look on your face. It haunts me every day, knowing that I caused you that pain.”

“I didn’t know it was possible, but that does help some.” I stated.

The two of us sat in silence after that. I finished eating and John was picking at the counter top.

“Do you love him?” He asked.

I couldn’t bear looking at him, so I looked forward, “I do. He makes me happy. For the past year that I’ve been with him, I was able to keep you in the back of my mind. Being around him was helping me forget you. Honestly, I thought that if Roman and I stayed together, I could erase the memories we shared together.”

I knew this hurt him, but it was the truth. There was no point in lying, and I was tired of holding things back. I was no longer the girl who cared about hurting other people; if something needed to be said, I would say it.

“I have a girlfriend.” He paused, as if waiting for a reaction, I said nothing. “I don’t love her. I haven’t loved any of them. But I do understand what you mean; being around them ceases the memories, not completely, but enough. But lately, the memories have become overwhelming; which is why I showed up here. We’ve been avoiding each other for too long. I just wanted to see you; your voice wasn’t enough. Besides, your voice was different, and I knew you were different. I couldn’t put your face to your voice anymore; I just needed to see you.”

I took in every word he said. I knew how hard it was for him to say these types of things, especially after I just hurt him.

“I can’t listen to your music. I couldn’t bear to hear your voice. I listened to Count ‘Em, One, Two, Three and cried, after that I swore to never listen.” I took off my anchor necklace and sat it in front of him, “But I do wear this every day. I felt that it was enough to somehow stay connected.”

John reached over and let the cold silver anchor rest in his palm. There was a spark in his eyes and I knew exactly what it meant; he was happy. I was even happy. Here we were, sitting down in the middle of the night; spilling out everything we’ve been holding in. At that moment I had a feeling we were both thinking the same thing, maybe there was hope for a friendship.