Feeling This

In the following two weeks Dan took me out on four more dates.
The more I tried to fight it, the more I fell for him.
Eventually I gave up.
I let it happen.
I couldn’t fight it anymore.
I was introduced to the band and sooner than I wanted to it was my last day in London.
“Dan I’m afraid I’m starting to fall for you…what am I even saying there…I already am…” I whispered ever so quiet, hoping that he wouldn’t hear me.
He was sleeping so peacefully, that I didn’t want to wake him up.
My thoughts had woken me up a long time ago and I laid there watching his chest lift and sink again as he breathed in his sleep.
“I never felt so alive with someone by my side, since that night. You brought me back to live, but it fucking scares me that someone can touch me this much.” My words sounded so loud in the quiet room “I think that I love you…I really think I fell in love with you” a tear rolled from my eye “God I wish you were awake so I don’t have to say this all again…I’m being all meaningful here for once and you’re sleeping.”
“You don’t have to.” He mumbled sleepily “I heard what you said…more or less.”
It’s out…Rou Christensen, the one that swore herself and everyone else that she would never fall in love again, fell for her drummer boy.
“Don’t cry Rou.” He said and pulled me into his arms.
Just holding me to his chest.
I don’t know how long we sat there, but I’m sure it was some time.
“Dan I meant what I said. I meant that I’m starting to feel so much more for you. I don’t even know what it is…I…god…I really think I’m in love with you.”
“I know you meant it, because I know how you feel. When my dad died I promised myself that I would never let anyone I love go again and I was too scared to let anyone get too close to me. And then there was this amazingly beautiful girl that liked my favourite band and the way she smiled warmed my heart and I knew that she would change things.
I let you in and you were running around here in my shirts, looking better in them than I do, and sung along to the songs on the radio, you brought back hope.
I thought that there was someone that would bring back what I had pushed away and appearently you are that someone.”
“You really make it hard for me to come up with something equally deep.” I chuckled and wiped away a tear.
“You don’t need to.” He said into my hair as he was still holding me.
“Dan I…I never wanted this again…it scares me…”
“Can I make it less scary?”
“It’s a head thing….i don’t know if you can stop me from falling for you.”
“I could act like an ass.”
“That wouldn’t scare me away, I’m already past the point where I care about your behaviour.”
“Then you should start to accept it, I can make it as easy for you as possible.”
“My be I should.” I said and held on closer to his body.
“Shall I make you a cup of tea?” Dan asked and cupped my face in his hands.
“Would you?”
“Of course.” He smiled and pulled me into his arms and carried me over to the living room.
He set me down on the sofa and wrapped a duvet around me, before he disappeared into the kitchen.
He soon returned with a steaming cup of tea, which he placed in the table in front of the sofa, before he sat down next to me.
“In case you want to talk about something, you know you can tell me.”
“I know, but I don’t know if I can…yet”
“Tell me…whatever it is, I will listen and I will try to help you.”
I knew I could trust him, the actual problem was I was ready to tell him, why we were on vacation and why I didn’t want a relationship (yet).
“Dan I really appreciate it, but that’s a really long and confusing story.”
“The earlier you start telling me, the sooner you’re done with it.”
I knew he was right.
“Okay.” I sighed “When I was fifteen I was dating this guy, we were pretty serious for that young age and after we graduated form school we…” I sighed heavily, regretting that I had decided to tell him “we got married.”
Dan just stared at me for a moment “You are…?”
“Let me finish. I said it was confusing. Anyway, we were happy, everything was going well. I was happy, the first time since I lost my rents. It the first time I felt complete and I was just simply happy.
This was until I came home from uni one day, some months ago.
I had come home early because I felt sick and when I came in, I found him in bed with Drew.
Now you’re probably wondering why I was here with Drew.
She explained me what happened and I knewthat she wasn’t lying, because I know when she does that.
She told me that she wanted to give me something I had forgotten at our parents place and he dragged her to bed and…she didn’t tell me what he exactly did, but she was a crying mess when I arrived.
I moved out of the flat, got us a lawyer and put in a divorce. Drew and I moved into the dorm and this trip was our treat. After all this shit, we wanted to get away from everything for a bit. Drew didn’t tell anyone else, but she is pregnant from him, so I guess mom found it out.”
Dan was still staring at me “That’s a lot for reasons why you don’t want a relationship. I guess I can understand tha, but I can make you a promise.
I could never, ever do something like that.”
“Dan I was married to that man and still he did that.”
“I know and I just wanted you to know. When you’re ready I’ll be there. I’ll wait. I don’t want anyone else.
If I have to I’ll wait until I’m old. I don’t care, if it means that I can have you in the end, it’s worth the wait.”
“I don’t think that you have to wait that long….I’ve tried to deny my feelings since Sarah’s birthday.”
“Rou….” He said and took my hands into his, drawing soft circles onto the back.
“I guess I should have told you, but I just couldn’t.”
“I understand…and I don’t want to push you to push you, but…would you give me the honour of becoming my girlfriend?”
My heart sunk to the bottom of my feet.
It was do or die.
I needed to make a decision.
I mean I did love Dan.
I felt safe around him, I could trust him, what else do want?
I never felt better around a person.
He was the first person out side my family that I told the story.
I loved him.
“Dan…I…of course…” I felt my head sink, not knowing what I was supposed to say.
“Thank you Rou.” Dan said and pressed a soft kiss onto my temple.
A heavy weight fell off my shoulders.
I felt better.
“Dan.” I said to catch his attention.
His head shot up and he looked at me with those blue eyes.
I pressed my lips onto his and leant forward until we both fell back onto the sofa, me on top of Dan.
He smiled against my lips, making me smile as well.
He ran his hands over my back, pulling me closer to him.
It’s not that we’ve never been close in a physical way, but this time it felt different.
It was what the term “making love” was made for.
And honestly I never wanted anything else than this.
It was right.
This is what I wanted.
I wanted Dan and no one else.