Without You

The amount of guilt I felt was such a devastating blow that I seriously thought about calling Veva through Brian’s phone. At this point, I wasn’t sure about what I wanted more – Brian’s happiness or mine. I mean I’m not exactly happy that they’re not together anymore but I more of an optimist so I see each and every experience from a lighter perspective.

As I held Brian in my arms after he shed a few tears, I looked at Ian and Jun and tried to communicate with them non-verbally. Jun got up and said he needed to go to the bathroom while Ian said he was thirsty. I mentally cursed at them for leaving everything up to me.

“Bri, are you gonna be okay?” I asked him as I stroked his head. He was lying on my lap, facing the blank screen of the TV right in front of us.

Brian sniffed and sighed. “I hope,” he said, getting up.

His puffy eyes stared into mine and I swear I could hear my subconscious scold me for being so cruel to him. I bit on my bottom lip as I thought of something we both could do. I wasn’t exactly the type of friend who helped her broken-hearted friends by making him/her forget about the pain. I was the kind of friend who wanted that person to let it all out so he/she can seek some closure. So, I got up and took Brian’s hand in mine as I dragged him back to his room which was also the place where he choreographed his works.

I grabbed my iPhone and looked for a song that could help him bear his soul. I stopped at letter ‘S’, knowing exactly what song would perfectly contemplate this situation.

“What are you doing?” he asked me as I plugged my phone into his speakers.

Before I could say anything else, Chris Brown’s “Stuck on Stupid” started blasting out of his speakers. Brian’s eyes filled with more tears as he ran and to me and locked me into an embrace.

“Let it all out,” I whispered into his ear as I let him go.

I sat on the bed and watched him dance. He freestyled at first but later on, he caught onto a certain part where his movement turned precise and specific. It was as if he knew exactly the kind of moves that would flow with the beat. It was such a beautiful sight that even I found myself in tears as he locked down the moves to the choruses.

He gave such an emotional performance that the tears would not stop flowing. Once the whole song was over, I wiped my tears away and stood up as I head out the door. But he didn’t let me get that far. He hugged me from behind and held me tight.

“Why are you trying to run away from me? Haven’t you done that enough already?” he whispered. The feeling of his breath on my neck was different but I didn’t want to think about that. Not with all this going on.

“I know why you guys broke up,” I told him as I spun myself in his arms. “It’s because of me and I swear I didn’t want any of this to happen—”

“Shh,” he hushed, placing his tattooed finger on my lips. “That doesn’t matter anymore. We need to stick together Ashley. It’s you and me forever and nothing’s gonna change that.”

I broke down in his arms. I knew that that was a false promise to both of us. We couldn’t last forever. My time was limited and his was forever. Why was he lying to himself?

“You know that’s not true,” I muttered more to myself than to anyone else but he heard me nonetheless.

I was looking at my toes, trying to avoid his eyes but he didn’t let that happen for another second as he tilted my chin up so that he could look into my eyes.

“We’ll get through this. I promise,” he said, laying out his pinky for me to swear.

I shook my head and told him that I couldn’t do it. There was too much at stake. There was too much to lose. And besides, the only person who’d get hurt would be him. Death doesn’t exactly affect the one in the coffin, it affects everyone around it. That’s how cruel death is.

“S-swear on it,” Brian stammered as tears flowed out of his eyes as well.

“No,” I said sternly.

I looked away but before I could do a full 90-degree twist, Brian closed the distance between us with a kiss. I couldn’t breathe. Was this actually happening? Was he playing some kind of sick joke? I didn’t break away, I didn’t pull apart. But the whole time his lips were on mine, I thought about what this thing could turn into.

“I can’t” I said, stopping him as I caught my breath.

“Yes, you can,” he told me, reconnecting our lips.

My head was telling me how stupid I was. My heart didn’t care though. It just let me be. It let me cross the line that I’ve wanted to get over for so long. I can’t believe it. We were in the most perfect situation with the most complications. I swear if irony was a person, I would’ve punched him or her in the face for doing this to me.

Nonetheless, Brian’s hands found their way around my body as I wrapped my arms around his neck, not caring at all. I wasn’t thinking. It felt so great to be free from all the thoughts in my head – to actually disobey myself for once. My head was a prison cell that trapped my whole entirety into thinking about what was to come. It wouldn’t let me enjoy the present but with Brian, nothing mattered at all. Yes, I was selfish. Yes, this was foolish but I was stuck on stupid – stuck on stupid for him.

Brian, I’d be the best damn fool for you.