Without You

“You know, this should really stop,” Ian told me as he came back with a bottle of water and a box of tissues from the kitchen to the living room couch.

“But—”

“No buts this time. I’m serious. I know you’re in a bad place and I know life seems unfair but you can’t exactly do anything except live it. You’re here for a reason and though it might not be for the reasons you choose to stay, there’s a purpose as to why you’re here,” Ian explained.

I took a sip from the water bottle and blew on a Kleenex. My eyes, puffy as they are, wanted to shut eternally, but Ian had a point. There must be a reason for my existence, but what?

“Remember, you’re not the only torn up about this. After hearing what your mom bombed on you, we think you have every right to feel angry but take it easy on him. He’s not made out of steel, y’know. He might look tough on the outside but you know as well as I do that he’s pretty much a big softie,” he reminded.

I can’t believe that I had to hear all this from someone else. How could I be that one person who suddenly forgets what their best friends are like? I mean seriously, at what point did I start caring more about myself than I did for others? Was it the cancer and the fact that I’d already accepted my death? Was I even right to question these feelings of being solitary? Isn’t this the usual emotional pattern of a cancer patient?

There were so many questions running through my head. I didn’t even know where to start answering. I wanted them all gone. I wanted everything to just stop for a moment so I can just look at the world and appreciate it but time waits for no one. Soon enough, it will come to get me, but taking what Ian said into consideration, I have to spend what’s left of my time doing the things I’ve always wanted to do with the people I love most. I shouldn’t be shunning them away.

“Ian, can I ask you a favor?” I whispered as I brought my feet up to the couch. I hugged my legs and placed my chin on my knee as I stared deeply into his eyes.

“What’s up?” he said absent-mindedly playing with the box of tissues.

“When my time comes, can you make sure that you’ll all be fine? You know, especially him?” I said, nodding towards Brian’s door.

Ian stopped to process my question for a moment. His fragility was pretty transparent. Tears started to spring into his eyes as soon as he understood exactly what I was asking of him.

“I don’t know if I can promise you that but I’ll try,” he said, wiping away the stray tears.

I gave him a small smile and hugged him. Ian had always been the little brother I’d never had. Actually the whole crew was family to me. And if it pains them to know that I might not live, it pains me more to have to leave them eternally after only a few years of getting to know them.

Brian’s door opened and shut, revealing both him and Jun. I released Ian from my embrace and glanced at both of them. Jun ran to me and gave me a big hug before going to the kitchen to get something to eat. My chest started to tighten again. I tried to exhale the pain away but it wasn’t doing anything. I tried to hide the pain by not staring into anyone’s eyes for too long and it seemed to work for now.

Brian remained silent as he approached the sofa chair next to the couch. I swallowed hard, feeling the ache in every inch of my body. My blinks started to last longer but I willed myself to stay conscious. This was so not the time for another blackout. I mean as much as I want to pass out, I wouldn’t want to pass up the opportunity to mend my broken heart. If I did black out now and wake up in some other world, I probably wouldn’t be able to forgive myself for yelling at everybody I know.

I bit my lip as tears started to form again but it wasn’t from the emotional pull inside of me. My brain started to ache. I think Ian might’ve noticed me cringe a bit but he didn’t say anything. I took another sip from my water bottle to try and wash it down but nothing I was doing was working. The silence in the room seemed to last forever. I wanted to scream just to try and relieve myself from the pain I was feeling but I couldn’t bring myself to it.

All of a sudden, I heard my phone ring from Brian’s room. I got up and moved but as soon as I took a step, my eyes rolled back, I stumbled forward and almost fell face first but fortunately for me, Brian was there to save me. I blinked rapidly following my heart’s thuds.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked with so much sincerity in his voice.

“I-I’m fine,” I said, getting up and sucking in a deep breath.

I felt all eyes on me as I walked back to Brian’s room. It was as if one tiny wobble would send everyone flying through the living room just to help me stay steady. And fortunately for me, they didn’t take their eyes off me because as soon as I stepped inside Brian’s room, I fell to the ground and let the darkness consume my vision.