Scumbag

Billie Joe’s POV

“This is Christie Road,” I said to Brian as I pulled up beside the railway tracks with the hills in view out ahead and the trees coming up around the sides. The rain was clouding the view, but it was still my favourite place in the whole world. I watched as his eyebrows furrowed and he mouthed a few half sentences to himself before turning to me.

“Isn’t this in one of your songs?”

“Yeah. Take me to that place that I call home,” I sung softly, wanting to grab for my guitar I’d laid on my backseat last night and left there. We were quiet for a long time, but I’d wanted to talk to Brian. I’d wanted to tell him I didn’t care who Dixie went off screwing now that we were separated and even that… it made me feel better about our breakup. She couldn’t possibly be damaged if she was back to her old self. I wanted to ask him if he thought she was okay, too, but it felt a little awkward. He may not have slept with her, but they’d certainly done something. He couldn’t deny that. I’d heard the way he’d moaned her name. I wondered if she liked him the way she said she never could. I wondered if he liked her, too. Suddenly, I was feeling sick.

“You know, I really like some of your songs. The lyrics. I think you introduced one as ‘disappearing boy’ and that one sticks with me…” He wasn’t looking at me, but out the window, though I didn’t really mind because in my rush to apologise I’d only barely thrown on a shirt, which was still unbuttoned and probably the tackiest thing I owned. But that didn’t matter. He liked my lyrics. This strange, seemingly disparate boy liked my lyrics. “There’s a part about being alone in crowded rooms. I totally get that.”

“When I walk in crowded rooms I feel as if it is my doom. I know that I don’t belong.” He nodded, and brought his hands up to his face.

“I’m sorry,” he sniffled after a short moment. “It’s just… I’m finding it hard to understand. I mean, you guys are great, all of you, but there’s so much going on between us all. Dixie’s fucking… beautiful, but she’s too wild. Mike fucking hates me now. Trè and I don’t live on the same planet, really… and you. You’re always so hostile, or cold, usually.” And just like that, I felt like a monster. He turned to face me properly with tears still falling down his cheeks, dragging his makeup along with it. “What’s wrong with my red cardigan?” I smiled at the one thing he had to ask, because it brought out the side I’d seen in him that I rather liked. It was the side I’d seen the first time I’d met him; it was the side of him that told me he was rather shy, and that he at least wanted to be innocent. He wanted to be pure. It was who he was inside. All this other stuff… it wasn’t him. It couldn’t be him. In that moment I couldn’t imagine that smirk on his face, although I knew damn well how good he was at pulling it. I couldn’t imagine anything harsh coming from his lips when nothing but sobs escaped from them now.

“I like your red cardigan, and I like the way you make yourself up. I like your overly big boots, and the way you can’t keep your mouth shut even when you know it’s not good for you. I like the way you tease, and –”

“The way I tease?” He didn’t get that? Really?

“Brian, if a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?” I closed the short distance between us and kissed him, because I couldn’t see him cry anymore. I couldn’t see him hurt. And the most amazing thing happened. He kissed me back this time.