Jeah, Whatever

[Natalie]

When you lose a child, there are apparently phases that you go through. Confusion, pain, grief, depression. It all varies based off of how you tend to cope.

I sat down in the doctor’s office, twisting my engagement ring around my finger. It felt like a heavy weight, laughing at me.

“Have you and Ryan talked about the wedding?” The therapist asked me, I looked at her.

“Not really, but we both know we’re not ready to be married yet,” I sighed. I pulled my sweater more tightly around me, the doctor scribbled on her notepad.

“Natalie, have the two of you talked about anything?” She was clearly concerned.

“Honestly? When I got out of surgery we talked about the miscarriage and the guilt I felt for feeling relieved but then we realized we both felt relief so it was comforting, the only thing we haven’t talked about is the wedding,” I explained.

“That’s right, you and Ryan have both talked to me on that and you know that it’s okay to feel relief,” she reminded me, I just shook my head.

“Do you want to be engaged to Ryan?” She asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, frowning a little, “but I know I don’t want to be married next month,” I finalized.

“You need to talk this out with him, he’s got the big local meet tomorrow so maybe not before that but you need to talk about it, you can’t marry someone just because there’s a set date,” she told me.

I already knew this. But the fear of breaking Ryan’s heart if I gave him back the ring put the fear in me.

A part of me wanted to run.

When I finished my session with Sarah, she told me I was almost done seeing her. I got in my car and drove back to my apartment. As I drove, the diamond on my left hand glimmered in the sun. It was a huge diamond, full of clarity and color. I was amazed by the fact that I could see so clearly through the gem and a smile crept on my face when I saw it was a ring that came to life.

When I got home, I didn’t want to think about engaged life anymore and decided to shut my brain off by watching TV. I don’t really watch TV that much but lately, I have been encouraged by Sarah to watch TV to escape for at least thirty minutes a day. No computers, no real life thinking, just a TV show.

I got really into the show Friends. I got so into it that Ryan went and bought me the complete series on DVD. He was baffled that I didn’t really ever watch this show before. But then again, I had always thrown my life into so many things that I never had time to invest in TV. But after having doctor’s orders, I had no choice but to cut back a little and relax.

I was in the middle of the episode where Chandler and Monica continue to hide their relationship when Ryan came in. We weren’t necessarily living together but Ryan was staying with me a lot more, making sure I was okay.

And I did love having him here with me.

“You’re obsessed,” he smiled, walking into the living room and planting a kiss softly on my lips. He sat down next to me and I leaned in against him.

“How was the pool?” I asked.

“Low key since the race is tomorrow, I am going to have to shave it up tonight though,” he sighed. I gave a slightly disgusted face, I never could watch Ryan shave and wax, it always felt weird.

“So are you able to do any kind of workout?” I asked, trying to forget about his need to shave.

“What do you mean? I can’t strain myself if that’s what you’re asking,” he said confused. I sat on his lap and play with the hem of his shirt.

“Do I strain you?” I raised my eyebrows, Ryan began to smirk a little and he took my top off very swiftly.

“Only in the best of ways,” he grinned, running his hands over the top of my breasts and kissed my collarbone.

Ryan and I were just starting to get physical again. After my surgery, I couldn’t do much for a week but now that time had gone by and my mood was back up, we were able to be ourselves again.

I stood up and took off the shorts I was wearing and allowed Ryan to follow me to the bedroom. I got on the bed and crawled towards the pillowcase and laid on my back. Ryan hovered himself over top of me and slowly placed kisses on my neck and breast. He sat up and took off his shirt and shorts.

I rubbed my hands over his torso, feeling all his muscles. Ryan came back down and lightly massaged my breasts, going slowly and delicately.

“Ryan,” I whispered but he placed a finger on my lips.

“Shh, Natalie, just lay there,” he smirked. Ryan blew lightly over my torso, causing me to tremble a little and his hands traced all the way down to my hip bone.

Painfully slow, he removed my underwear and traced his way up to my thighs. I groaned at how slow he was going, wanting him to work faster.

Ryan rubbed me lightly and slowly, just barely hitting the spots that were sensitive, I groaned once more as Ryan smiled he way up, giving me a deep kiss on the lips, our tongues soon battled for dominance over each other.

Ryan lightly lifted me up and removed my bra and pinched my hardened nipples, I once more cried out.

“Gosh, Ryan, fuck just, ugh,” I moaned out in frustration. Ryan bit down on one of my hardened nipples and traced down my stomach and slowly inserted two fingers inside of me. I grabbed my headboard as he began exploring my inside.

“So tight,” he grinned. I rolled my eyes, tired of him enjoying the fact that he could taunt me right now.

Ryan reached to my bedside table, finally reaching for the protection.

After our mishap, we were now back to being double safe in fear of something bad happening once again.

Slowly, Ryan pushed himself inside of me, I moaned a little more as he slowly thrusted in and out.

“Ryan, please,” I begged. Ryan finally gave in and began to pick up the pace, going faster and harder with every thrust. He made it his goal to make me hit the headboard a little harder with every thrust. We both began to moan out as we hit our climaxes at the same time, crying out together. Ryan rode us both out and laid down next to me.

“I love you, Natalie,” he said, giving me a final kiss.

“I love you too, Ry,” I smiled, I rested my head on his chest as he traced circles on his back. We were both quiet for a moment.

“So, I was thinking,” Ryan spoke up, I stayed in my same position as I listened to him talk.

“What if, well since everything that has happened, what if we waited a little while longer to get married?” He asked. I sighed in relief that we were both in the same state of mind.

“I think that would be the best idea ever,” I kissed his chest and sat up and looked at him.

“I guess it could just be a really long engagement or whatever, I mean, only family knows that we had the date set for next month so no one else really needs to be told anything,” he stated. I nodded in agreement.

It felt so good to be on the same page.

We took that night to lay in bed and talk about life, Ryan got up to shave & wax while I took it upon myself to be distracted with work and find us dinner. We didn’t bother getting dressed for the rest of the day, I just wore one of his shirts and he went around in some athletic shorts. It was quite possibly one of the best days we had in a very long time. And I personally felt better knowing that I didn’t have to have a tough conversation with Ryan after his swim meet.

Ryan woke up early the next morning, kissing me softly on the forehead before he had to leave for his swim meet. I stirred a little and opened my eyes to give him a more proper goodbye.

“Shit, Natalie, I’m sorry I woke you,” he sighed. I rolled my eyes.

“I wanted to wake up to wish you luck before you left,” I smiled sleepily. He sat next to me and played with my hair.

“I start prelims at 9,” he informed me.

“Great, I’ll be there at 8:30, telling you how much you suck,” I smirked a little.

“As long as you tell Conor he sucks more,” he smiled. I sat up and gave him on last firm kiss before he had to leave and fell back down on my pillow.

I didn’t bother doing too much to get ready. I showered and let my hair fall into a wave. I pulled on an orange pastel color pair of shorts and a blue Ralph Lauren v-neck shirt. I always liked to dress in Ryan’s team colors for race weekend. I put on the minimal make up and made my way over to the aquatic center to arrive at 8:30.

When I got there, Ryan’s mother was sitting with his two sisters and their husbands. His oldest sister had her two sons with her and looked at my with what looked like compassion. I didn’t particularly want to sit with them today but seeing as Andrea wouldn’t be here for this race, I felt obligated to. Putting on a smile, I made my way to the Lochte family.

“Natalie we didn’t think you’d be able to make it out today,” his mother smiled, pulling me into a warm hug. After all the craziness we had been through, she had come to like me.

“Oh I wouldn’t miss this race and I’m doing just fine today,” I assured her.

“Ryan told us everything, I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine losing either of my babies,” Kristin said, holding her newest child close to her. I felt a little pang in my chest as I watched her being maternal to her baby.

“No need to apologize, Ryan and I are both doing great, it was meant to happen this way,” I smiled a small smile. His other sister didn’t speak to me, nor did her husband.

I sat next to Ryan’s mother and watched as he came out to the pool. I saw he was wearing the headphones I bought him for Christmas as he had on his game face. Conor followed behind him, talking up a storm to Ryan’s brother.

Ryan spotted me before he began to stretch and gave me a wink and a nod. I rolled my eyes and flipped my hair behind my back, proving his charm had failed on me.

As Ryan swam his races for the day and as his family talked about him and his brother, I tuned everything out and looked at Ryan and my engagement ring. Just like my ring, my relationship with Ryan was becoming more and more clear, we were going to be okay. And as the sun hit my ring and the pigments shined out, it also became more real that we had different elements to our relationship but we were more stable than we were many months ago.

I smiled a big smile when I realized that me and Ryan were going to be okay. That we really could have it all.