Would You Bargain With Hell?

It wasn’t the feeling of falling that made it real, that made me cry. It was that I was saved. Around my hand, just barely in time someone grabbed me. The hand was tight around me and I cried out.

“Please, Officer just let me go!” I whined as another hand grabbed my forearm.

I was pulled over the railing, in tears and I fell to the gground. When the person wrapped their arms around me I figured it wasn’t the officer. I lifted my head from my hands.

“Mason.”

He looked awful. His face was unreadable but I could sense the despair and hurt.

“Mason, I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and held me tightly. “Don’t you dare apologize to me. Don’t you dare.”

His tangled hair brushed against my face and I curled into the form of his body. “But I am sorry, I, I promised you.”

“Stop it. None of this is your fault, I love you, and that won’t change. Wether you jumped off that bridge or not, it wasn’t you who got yourself there. So it shouldn’t be you who apologizes.”

“I wanna go home.”

So he lifted me, effortlessly like always and I closed my eyes. I knew we were at his place, I used place loosely as it wasn’t really a place. I heard the mechanical noises of an opening garage door. Mason set me down carefully on something soft. I opened my eyes, the lights were dim.

I couldn’t express the feeling I had. I was shocked to be alive, I was guilty that I had tried to kill myself and I was guilty I lied to Mason.

“Mason-,”

“Rayder. Stop trying to apologize. I’m not mad, how could I be mad at you? None of this is your fault. None of it. How could I be ashamed of you when just a few weeks ago I was in the same place you were in on that bridge. You saved me and I’m going to save you too. I don’t want you going back to your house, okay? We’ll leave, we’ll run away together.”

The thought made me smile, Mason always had this foreign way to make me smile. But the last thing I wanted was to get any closer to Mason.I knew, I would only hurt him.

“I don’t think this is a good idea Mason.”

“What’s not a good idea?”

“Us.”

“What do you mean by us?”

“You know what I mean. We’re both damaged in one way or another, you know way too much about me and I know nothing about you-,”

“Whoa, because what you’re going through right now is a lot more important.” His touched my hand and I jerked it away, nausea growing in my stomach. “I get it, your pushing me away, its instinctive. You don’t want to let any one. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I don’t think this relationship, whatever exactly it is, is smart. I think that maybe I should go home, and you should move on.” The words stung coming off my tongue, the pools overflowed dramatically I clenched my teeth.

Mason’s eyes scurried along the length of the bare room before coming back to me. “Look, you’ve had a bad day, maybe just rest a little more than we can talk okay?” His voice was sullen and I could feel my heart breaking in my chest.

“You don’t even know me Mason. I don’t know why it is you want to keep me around, but I’m telling you, everyone that has kept me has hated me so I think I need to go.” Sobs found their way up my throat and I tried to swallow them down.

“Rayder please don’t do this.”

“We met like three times Mason, it’s not that serious.”

“Yes it is! You saved my life! It’s my turn to save yours!”

“So that’s what this is about…paying your debts.” I threw myself up, holding my head as high as I could and stomped out the door. Once the door shut behind me I collapsed in a fit of tears and sobs
.
That was the worst moment of my life. He cared and I left. I left. I lost everything. Mason had been everything and I just walked out. From inside I heard things falling. I punched the ground hard. I looked up to thhe dark sky and prayed quietly.

“Please, if there’ anyone up there. I’m not going to ask you to fix anything because there’s more deserving people, but I just want to know why. Why do I deserve this?”