Distance

I wasn’t surprised when I woke up at three in the morning. Robert was still sleeping, so I slipped out from his grip and padded out of the bedroom in my bare feet. Jax, who had gone to sleep early since we’d been in the room, got up and followed me.

I cleaned out his food and water dishes and filled them, then curled up on the couch. The nearest window seemed to be leaking a bit of cold air, so I pulled a blanket over myself and turned on the television. I knew that I was going to get myself into a proper sleeping schedule just in time to go back to Ireland and have it be destroyed all over again.

I was halfway through an infomercial about some kind of super-absorbent towels when someone appeared in the shadows of the hallway. I jumped, and when I did so, Jax growled toward the darkness in response to my alarm.

“It’s just me,” Lenny said, walking out into the glow from the television screen. “What are you doing up so early?”

“I was asleep before seven,” I reminded her. “What are you doing? Sleepwalking? I’ve always kind of wondered if you did.”

“I actually just came to get some water. Why would you wonder if I was a sleepwalker?”

I shrugged. “You were just always tired even though you slept longer than I did. It was just a theory.”

She sat down next to me, giving Jax a pat on the head to calm him down. “So tell me, how in the hell did you manage to get Robert to agree to come here? It’s got to be boring, compared to his normal life.”

“Believe it or not, he leads a pretty normal life. I mean, yeah, he has a nice car, but it’s not like a sports car or anything. And when he’s not making public appearances, he’s just like any other guy. Also, it was his idea to come here. He asked me to go and stay with his family for Christmas, and then when Mom told me about my plane ticket, he asked if he could come along.”

“So you just happened to luck out on your vacation and snag yourself a ridiculously attractive famous guy? Seems logical.”

“Okay, well first of all it’s not a vacation. I’m working my ass off over there. Second… yeah, that’s pretty much exactly what happened. I got lucky.”

Lenny shifted beside me, and I could feel a tension growing. She wanted to ask me something, but she was afraid. I waited patiently, letting her sort her thoughts out. “So,” she began finally. “What about Kellan, then?”

I chewed my lip. “What about him?”

“Well, I mean, he’ll be home soon, won’t he?”

“So what if he will be? I was in love with him, Lenny. He knew that, and he left anyway. There was nothing romantic about that whole situation. It was raw and it was painful.”

“But it was real.” Lenny’s voice was soft, as if she were afraid to speak aloud.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Look, I know you see me as just a kid, but I’m aware of a lot more than you give me credit for. Maybe things with Kellan weren’t perfect, but nothing is. You’re supposed to fight; you’re supposed to get hurt. Life isn’t a romantic comedy, Maggie. It will never be as simple and as carefree as the movies. Even Mom and Dad fight, and they’ve been together forever. Your heart shouldn’t stop every time you look at a guy. Infatuation is different than love. Love is meant to last, and infatuation burns out. When you fight with someone every now and then, you work to fix it. When there’s nothing to fix, there’s nothing to work toward. It would get boring. You need passion.”

I paused, soaking up the shocking wisdom that had come from my kid sister. Normally she was more concerned with fashion and shopping than she was with actually having anything worthwhile to say. This was uncharted territory for me.

“Okay,” I said slowly, gathering my bearings. “But Kellan expected me to wait for him, and that wasn’t fair. That’s not love, either. And maybe Robert and I haven’t had a fight yet, but that doesn’t mean we won’t. We don’t see each other enough to get mad. He’s always working and I have school, so I can’t go with him. When that happens, fighting is the last thing on your mind. You just want to get the most out of the few days a month you get to really be together. And Lenny, if your heart doesn’t stop every single time you look at him, then you’re with the wrong guy. That’s where the passion is.”

“But what happens when you come home for good?”

“I’m working on that, don’t you worry.”

She looked uncertain. “If you’re banking on him coming here to be a movie star, then-”

I laughed suddenly. The idea of Robert leaving the UK forever was completely ludicrous. I would never want him to do that. It had become home to me. “That was the last thing on my mind, actually.”

“Then, do you mean that you’re going to leave? I like having you around. I would really miss you. Please don’t go.”

“There’s nothing to worry about one way or another for a long time. I still have to finish my year there and then I’ll be back. Relax.”

“Okay, okay. Enough of the serious shit. It’s too early for that, anyways. Can we just gush for a moment over how hot your new boyfriend is?”

“Do we have to?” I groaned, sinking lower into the sofa and pulling the blanket up around my neck. “I have to deal with that all the time with my roommates. I just want to pretend that I’m in a totally normal relationship. Because that’s what it feels like, you know? I forget that he’s so good-looking it hurts. I forget that random strangers know his name. He’s just Robbie to me.”

Lenny looked a bit crestfallen, then she got to her feet. “I guess that makes sense. Anyways, I’m going to get my water and go back to sleep. I don’t want to fall asleep at dinner like you did yesterday.”

I ignored her good-natured jab at me and focused my attention back on the infomercial. After she’d disappeared back down the hallway back toward her room, I wandered into the kitchen and dug in the cupboard for a box of cereal. I was pleased to find that my parents still kept the kitchen stocked with my favourite foods. I grabbed a box from the cupboard and returned to the couch. When Robert came out to join me a few moments later, he found me stuffing a handful of sugar-covered flakes into my mouth in what was certainly a repulsive manner. Instead of trying to defend myself, I simply tilted the box toward him in a silent offering.

“You’re eating dry cereal while watching Sesame Street?” He didn’t sound surprised so much as amused.

I shook the box, as if that would make my offer more enticing. “First of all, it’s delicious. Second, I just need to know what today’s letter is, and then I’ll be ready to face the rest of the day.”

Robert sat down next to me, gently lifting my feet and draping them over his lap so that I could remain in the same position. He took the cardboard box from me and retrieved a few flakes from inside, tasting them tentatively as he stared at the brightly-coloured puppets on the screen.

“So what lesson are we learning today?” He asked.

“Honestly, I don’t even know. I just discovered that everyone can see Snuffleupagus now, so I’ve been a bit distracted by my outrage.”

Robert’s eyebrows shot up as he looked over at me. “That’s what’s going to ruin your day? I thought they could always see him.”

I shook my head, contradicting him. “He was Big Bird’s imaginary friend. That was the whole appeal of him. You know, a big clumsy elephant was bumbling around the street and no one could see him. It was gold!”

He didn’t look convinced. He grabbed a larger handful of cereal and crunched on it thoughtfully as he watched the children’s television show. I sat up and leaned against him, nuzzling my face into the soft, worn cotton of his tee.

“Well,” he murmured gently, wrapping his free arm around me while his other hand dipped into the cereal box once more. “Aren’t we cuddly today?”

I didn’t want to tell him about the discussion that I’d had with Lenny. To be honest, it had unsettled me more than I’d let on. I was confident about what I had with Robert, but I’d also been certain before that it wasn’t meant to last. Now that I wanted it to become more permanent, I wasn’t quite so certain.

“Am I the only one who hates Elmo?” I asked, carrying on as if he hadn’t spoken a moment before. “He’s everyone else’s favourite, but honestly he is so overrated. And Bert and Ernie? Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but they’re clearly a closet homosexual couple.”

“And that’s enough sugary food for you this morning,” Robert said lightly, a grin on his face. He set the cereal down on the coffee table, then returned to cradling me against him. His fingertips wandered down my spine, tracing the grooves of the bones.

“Why doesn’t Cookie Monster eat cookies all the time anymore? That kind of defeats the whole purpose of his character. So what if he’s got a little extra junk in his trunk? He was awesome just the way he was. Why does society have to change everything?”

“It’s a children’s show,” he reminded me. “It’s not life or death.”

I reached for the remote and began flipping through the channels. There was really nothing on at this hour that was any better than what we were already watching. I sighed. “I think I should have a nap today. That way, I can stay up a little later. And not wake up at balls a.m.”

Robert, it seemed, had gotten used to the way I worded things. He cracked a smile, but he didn’t make a comment about how amused he was by what I’d said. He stole the remote from my hands and flipped to a music channel. I snatched the remote back, scowling.

“I hate that song,” I said, flipping to the next station.

“Yeah, but you only like music that I’ve never heard of,” he shot back.

“I could say the same to you, you know. It’s not like either of us listens to terribly obscure artists, it’s just that I listen to a lot of small-time Canadian bands, and a lot of music from the UK never really gets big over here.”

“Right, but you like my taste in music,” he said, as if it were an inarguable fact.

I hesitated. “Not so much, actually. But you don’t really like much of my favourite stuff, either. That doesn’t mean anything. We’re allowed to have different tastes.”

Robert raised his eyebrows, as if this information had caught him completely off guard. “But you said that you liked some of it!”

I nodded. “I do. Just not all of it. Actually, not most of it. But that’s totally okay. That’s what headphones were invented for.”

He pretended to be personally offended by my words, placing a hand against his chest and gaping at me with wide eyes and a slack jaw. “I don’t even know who you are anymore!”

I ignored his comment, though I knew that it was all in good humour. “Robbie,” I said softly, not sure how to get out the words I wanted to. “I was just talking to Helen, and I’ve been thinking a lot lately.”

Robert didn’t seem to notice the serious notes in my voice. He readjusted his position on the couch, pausing to wrap the blanket tighter around my feet so that I didn’t get a chill. “If you’re going to break up with me, it’s going to be a really long and awkward plane ride home.”

“What happens when I have to move back?”

It took him a long moment to show any sign of a response. For a few minutes, I genuinely wondered if my voice had come out too timid and tiny for him to hear. When he sighed, I knew that he’d heard me. It wasn’t often that Robert and I had anything resembling a serious conversation, and the change of pace didn’t seem to excite him in the least.

“I don’t have any answers,” he said softly. “Why can’t we just take it as it comes?”

“I moved there on an impulse,” I mumbled. “I don’t want my whole life to be lived that way. I need to know that something is going to be well thought out. That thing might as well be you. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Who says you’ll lose me?”

I knew that if I came back alone, with no intention of returning to Ireland or London, I would get sucked back into the life I’d lived before. The life where I was with Kellan, and where everything seemed normal. But now that I knew that I could be really, truly happy, that just didn’t seem like enough. I didn’t want to go back to that life. I wanted to keep the one that I’d grown so accustomed to.

“What if I got a second citizenship?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” There was a hint of delight in Robert’s eyes, as if I’d said something that had given him a newfound hope. His eyes defied his earlier words that we could make it work if we took it day by day.

“I’ve been looking into it,” I spoke slowly, careful not to let him know just how much of a thrill I’d felt when I’d stumbled across the information. “And since my grandfather was born in Ireland, I can get my name put on the foreign births registry and I can become a citizen. Then, if I got my Irish passport, I could live with you in London if I wanted. We wouldn’t have to live across the globe from each other.”

“You would do that?” Robert appeared almost mystified.

“Well, I kind of have some seriously selfish reasoning for it, but yes. I just didn’t want to jump into it because we really haven’t known each other very long and I thought maybe I would look like some clingy psycho if I went ahead and did something that insane this quickly.”

He laughed then, and our serious conversation seemed to dissipate. He seemed genuinely happy to hear my plan, and that fact excited me. “Even if we’d only been together for a week, I would be okay with you getting your citizenship. I mean, why wouldn’t you? There are so many added perks to having it. It’s just a bonus that it helps with our current situation.”

I nodded, grinning like an idiot. “So, will you come with me to visit my grandparents today, then? I need some information from them before I can go on with the whole process.”

Robbie shrugged, cuddling up closer to me. “I’ve already met your parents, why not meet your grandparents too?”