Postcards and Polaroids

After school that day, Kellin was waiting for me outside in the back parking lot. I walked out the back doors to see him leaning on his car door, smoking a cigarette. I sighed. I wish he’d quit. He see’s me, takes a final drag and flicks it onto the ground.
“Hey” he says, his face lighting up. I can’t help but feel my face get red. We had been best friends for God knows how long; I shouldn’t still react like this when I was around him.
“I thought you were gonna quit..” I said. He sighed and looked down.
“I told you, I’m trying.” He said. His tone changed. It was sweet, but true. I gave a half smile and leaned on the car door next to him. He looked at me.

“So..” he started “I really wasn’t looking forward to going home yet.. Do you think you could come up with someplace else for us to go.. at least until dinner?” I could tell, something came up with his mom. His aunt probably called him. And he didn’t want to have to be around for her next abusive episode. I didn’t blame him.
“Sure” I said. I got in the car. He followed.

“So, where are we going?” he asked eagerly.
“I was thinking the lake, a little far back behind my house.” I saw him smile as he started the car, and soon enough we were on our way.
By the time we finally got there, the sun was starting to go down. The sky was filled with different shades of oranges and yellows and purples. We got out and walked a good way before Kellin stopped.
“It’s beautiful..” he said, looking up at the sky. I stopped. It was beautiful. But I wasn’t exactly looking at the sky. I glanced up at him, his eyes fixated on the different color clouds surrounding the sun. The wind slighting blowing his dark hair into his face. To me, he was beautiful.
He sat down near the lake, and motioned to me the spot next to him. I sat down next to him, more quickly than I intended.
It was quiet for a while. I could tell he was thinking; thinking and admiring the different colors in the sky. Then, the silence was broken.
“Jess..” he said “Do.. do you ever think about.. how your life will be in a few years.. I mean.. we’re graduating this year. And then, in a few years, we’ll be off and married and starting families..” I looked at him.
“Sure I think about that..” He gave me that look again. The look that expressed so many things about him. He was scared. I could tell. He was scared of messing up. He didn’t want to be like his father. He was scared of the future; scared of what he was going to do with his life. He was scared of what was going to happen to his family if he ever decided to leave. I understood.
“Do you want a family?” he asked. I felt my face get red. Of course I wanted a family.. I wanted a family with him. But of course I couldn’t tell him about the many fantasies I had about him coming home to me, tucking the kids into bed, and us sharing stories and growing old together on our front porch.
“Yeah..” I said “I do.” I held our stare for a while. He looked down and started kicking the rocks near his feet into the water. I could see his cheeks getting red now too. I practically had to bite my own tongue to keep from spilling everything that was going through my mind. I’m surprised I hadn’t bit it off.
“What’s wrong?” I said. There must be something bothering him. This was all strange for him.
“Nothing’s wrong..” He said. He kept his gaze on the water.
“Are you sure?” I asked. Finally he looked up at me. Those ice blue eyes seemed as though they pierced their way right through me. He slowly licked his lips and gently put his hand on my knee. I felt my heart start to beat faster. This happened whenever he touched me. I’m still surprised he’s never noticed enough to point it out.
I sighed and gently put my hand on his, and that’s when it happened. He slowly started moving closer, his hand gently moving up my leg. I could feel my heart beating faster the closer he got until finally his forehead was touching mine. My cheeks felt like they were on fire, and I’m sure they looked just the same. Was this actually happening? Was I dreaming? He was still staring at me. I could tell he was waiting for me to make the next move, if there was a next move. I gently touched his cheek, which also began to blush. Suddenly I didn’t feel so stupid.
He pushed off the ground, still leaning his forehead against mine. I places my arms around his neck as he was now leaning over me.
“Kellin..” I said. He was staring down at me, forehead still touching.
“Yeah?” He asked. It was more of a whisper.
“What.. what are we doing?” He backed away. No, no, no. Don’t tell me I just ruined everything.
“No” I said “I.. it’s not.. I didn’t mean..” I bit my lip. I stopped before I made it any worse.
“I just..” He said. He sat back on the grass. “I.. I just.. I don’t know..I.. I guess.. I was just curious.”
Curious? About what?
“What do you mean you were just curious?” He was looking down now, obviously embarrassed that I stopped him. I was still mentally punishing myself for stopping him, and for how stupid I was considering this was all I’d ever dreamt about.
“I guess I was just curious about how it felt.. to have someone to be like this with. I’ve never had a girlfriend before.. I’ve never kissed anyone before.. I don’t know.. I’m sorry.. I’m stupid.. I probably just made you really uncomfortable.. I should of said something..”
“So.. that’s it?” I asked. He was just curious. There were no feelings behind it? Well, he did mention ‘girlfriend’.. maybe it wasn’t all just curiosity.
“W-what do you mean that’s it?” He said. His eyes had gotten bigger, and bluer in the sun that was now setting.
“You.. you were just curious. It.. It didn’t matter that it was with me.” I managed to say. I’d never kissed anyone either. I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone. Anyone other than him.
His face was getting red again.

“Well..” I began “I’ve never kissed anyone either.” He was now smiling at me.
“Really?” he asked.
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“Well.. I.. well.. kinda.. I guess..”
“And why’s that?”
“Well.. I don’t see why any guy wouldn’t want to kiss you. That’s why.” He was looking away again. Kellin was never good with talking about things like this. He always got embarrassed with sensitive topics.
“Well, no one’s ever wanted to kiss me.” I said. I was looking down now too.
“I do.” He said quietly. I looked back up.
“And why’s that?” I heard him sigh. He pushed the hair out of his face.
“Because I care about you.” He said “And I trust you. And you’re my best friend. And I know if my first kiss was with you, I’d never regret it.”

I could feel my heart beating faster. I had played this out in my head a thousand times, but funny enough, I’d never gotten this far.
“I just don’t want to mess things up..” He said. I understood what he meant. Things like this always ruined friendships like ours. Feelings always got in the way. Cause what if it didn’t work out? Things would never be the same as they are now. But then again, what if they did?
“Well..” I said “We.. we don’t have to mess anything up. We don’t have to complicate anything.” He looked at me.
“What do you mean?” If only I knew what I meant.
”I mean, we don’t have to get involved like that. We can do things together just because we want to. No one ever said we had to change our friendship.” He was still looking at me. I couldn’t tell if he was thinking about it, or still didn’t understand.
“What I mean is..” He cut me off.
“I know what you mean.” He said.
“So..” I sighed, and looked back down. “You can kiss me.. if you want.”
He was blushing again, pushing the hair out of his face. I loved the way his hair fell into his eyes. It gave him that spark of mystery. Then again, I also loved seeing his face; being able to stare into his blue eyes that would make your heart melt with the mere thought of them.

“I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t know what I’m doing.” He said, finally breaking the silence.
“You can’t mess it up. That’s why we’re doing this. It’s like.. we’re each other’s practice.” His eyebrows scrunched up. I could tell. He was unsure.
“I don’t know if this is such a good idea.”
I sighed.
“What’s the worst that could happen?”