Only Up From Here

I woke up this morning to buzzing of my alarm at 4 a.m. I also woke with the realization that today was going to be one LONG ass day. There was no doubt in my mind it would be filled with tears, exhaustion, food, and sadness but who knows maybe there could be a little laughter tonight. I walked out of my bedroom wearing an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I had decided the night before that I needed to ride Carmen before the day actually started.

I stepped out into the brisk morning air and headed toward the stables. When I got inside I walked to Carmen's stall and pet her quickly before walking her out into the open. I glanced toward the saddle on the rack walking toward it I heard a vehicle coming up the drive. I looked and saw Brock’s truck; I really was not in the mood to talk to anyone. In one quick running jump I was on Carmen and we were heading towards the head of the trails.

As we raced up the mountain I knew no one would be out this early so I had no fear at the fast pace we were traveling. It felt good to be honest; the wind hit my face and burned my already swollen eyes. It was a relief to just go, have no purpose in life, just run to wherever I could. As we got to the top of one of the lower peaks I slowed Carmen down to a slow walk and headed for the look out. The sun was just starting to rise and I had brought my camera, I figured why not capture the beauty in the sadness of the day.

The orange glow the sun cast as it came over the horizon reminded me of snapdragons at their prime. I sat on Carmen and took a few shots of the landscape the light bouncing off the trees and making every shadow fade. I stopped short and just looked out, each shadow reminded me of a sadness I had felt in the last few days. The reminder of the death of my brother, the death of my mom, the death of my dad, the sadness in John’s eyes as he told me the story, the looks people gave me when I drove into town, and lastly the sadness I felt within myself for all that was gone. As I watched each shadow disappear I realized I could fill my own sorrows with things that had made me happy the last few days. Shane riding the trails with me, John’s hugs and comfort, Brock’s talks, but most of all the memories that filled my mind.

I decided I should head back to the ranch before John realized I was gone adn started to worry. As the house came into view I stopped and snapped a few pictures, the light bouncing off the windows was something only a picture could describe. I rode over to the stables and hopped off of Carmen’s bare back. I kissed her snout and headed inside to grab a comb. Brock was standing in front of the rack with all of the supplies I needed. I didn’t want to startle him so I cleared my throat.

He turned and his blue eyes pierced mine, “Oh sorry! I thought you were still out.” He talked as though he was not sure what to say.

“Just got back, figured I would brush her down and then go cook some breakfast.” I brushed by him and garbed the comb that was only used for Carmen.

“Well that is nice of you.” I nodded and turned and walked out the door. I stroked Carmen and pet her and spoke softly to her almost as though she could understand what I said.

“You are really good with her you know.” I turned to see Brock standing a few feet away. Again I only nodded. “How are you this morning?”

I figured I couldn’t escape this with silence, “I am fine.” In my head I wasn’t fine at all. I was angry, scared, and pissed as hell.

“It is all going to go by and before you know it the hard stuff will be over.” He sounded so sincere.

“Obviously you have never dealt with a death like this before.” I snapped.

“What?” He looked confused as I turned to face him.

“The wake tonight and the funeral tomorrow will be easy, they are filled with things to do. People you need to please and others that will comfort you. Your days are set as to what you are doing and where you are going. The days after are what are difficult. Time stops, people start to leave, they stop bringing food, they stop calling to check in, they move on with life. I will sit around and try to figure out what happens now that I have no parents and no brother, I will try and work out things here at the ranch. I will have to finish the rest of the degree online or stop going to school. Those are the hard parts, the days after, the decisions that come when everyone else leaves. So you know what? Today and tomorrow will be a breeze.” With my final words spoken I stormed off.

As I got to the house I ran up the stairs and jumped in the shower. I sobbed. I all but screamed as I let the boiling water wash over me. I knew I was out of line yelling at Brock; he had done nothing wrong. As I wrapped the towel around me I stormed to my bedroom to change yet again. I threw on the dress I had laid out the night before. It was a simple yet sophisticated black dress for the wake this afternoon. I added a light touch of makeup and headed down the stairs.

John was standing in the kitchen with his arms crossed, “What the hell did you do?” Uh oh.

“I don’t know what you are talking about!” I knew exactly what he was talking about.

“You know Missy!” Those words made me cringe even at nineteen. “Why would you take your anger out on that poor boy?”

“I’m sorry.” I looked down at my still bare feet.

“You don’t need to tell me. You need to get your little ass out to those stables and tell him.” With that he walked to his room to get ready for the afternoon.

I didn’t go to the stables but I did sit in the kitchen for a few hours thinking of what I should say to him. Brock came in and was dressed up nice in dress pants and a suit coat. I glanced at him wondering what he was doing.

“John told me I could come today and I figured I should pay my respects and be there for you if you need me.”

“Won’t Kelly be a little upset?” I knew I was still being a bitch.

“Why do you care?” He looked a little angry himself.

“Look, I am sorry for this morning. I don’t know what you have been threw in your life and I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. I had no right to say those things or to assume you didn’t understand.”

“You are right though Kali Jo. I don’t know what you are going through; I have my two sisters and my parents still. I have not even lost a grandparent yet. For that I am grateful. I just want you to know that I am going to be here for you no matter what. In fact I will never be a more then a few strides away.”

I looked at him confused, “What are you talking about?”

“John invited me to stay in the stable hands apartments.”

“He did what!?!” I was now in panic mode. As if there wasn’t enough already going on in my life now John has to go and through this in.

“Look I am sorry but I need the cash and you where right about the driving back and forth. “

“And what are you going to do about Kelly?” I wanted an honest answer.

“I will drive up and visit her. I will not lie she is not happy about he whole situation but I think she understands. “

“You have got to be kidding me!”

“You two kids ready to go?” John came into the room and I glared at him.

I stood and headed for the door to get my shoes, I was not planning on speaking to him until he gave me a solid explanation. I put on my heals and went to wait in the car.