I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

Alexs P.O.V.

Every instinct in Alex's body was telling him to wrench the door open again. The look of pain and heartbreak on Jacks face just before he had closed the door completely was running through his head over and over, making chocked sobs leave Alex's lips every few seconds.

Nothing was worth seeing the man he loved in that much pain. Despite the fact that he had put Alex through the exact same thing.

Knowing that there was no way he could possibly suffer the heartbreak of being hurt by Jack again, Alex double locked the front door, before sitting with his back to it and resting his head in his hands.

He jumped out of his skin when he heard a loud thumping on the door, followed by Jacks voice.
"I'm not leaving this spot until you open the door Alex!"

His voice cracked as he spoke, and Alex could tell that he was holding back tears.
"Piss off! I'm not interested in seeing you!"

The words that left Alex's mouth completely contradicted everything that was going through his mind, and the room started to spin dangerously as Alex desperately took deep breaths to try and calm himself.

He decided the best thing to do was ignore Jack completely, so he switched on his iPod docking station to drown out his thumping on the door.

The music that blasted through the speakers at full volume made Alex jump, and then Alex froze.
The song that was playing brought back far too many memories. It had been their song. The one song that they had both agreed they would never ever get sick of, so from that point onwards it became their song.

"Hello there, the angel from my nightmare, the shadow in the background of the mourge."

The thumping on the door stopped abruptly, and Alex knew that the exact same thoughts were running through Jacks head too as the chorus began to play.

"I miss you, I miss you.
Where are you? And I'm so sorry, I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight."

Alex couldn't control the smile that spread over his face when Tom Delonges verse kicked in. Every time Jack and Alex used to listen to this song together they had always sung loudly, taking the piss out of his strong accent, before collapsing into a fit of giggles.

It had been five years since he had last listened to anything by blink, because he just couldn't bring himself to relieve the painful memories that came with it. Yet at the same time he also couldn't bring himself to delete them from his iPod.

The end notes were playing on the song now, and Alex reached over and switched the music off for a moment, using the silence to let the strange swirl of emotions pass.

A few seconds later there was another knock on the door, lighter this time and much less persistent.
With tears still running down his face, Alex walked over to the door slowly, hesitating before unlocking it and cracking the door open.

Jack looked at him with surprise, his big brown eyes that hadn't changed one bit still had tears in them.

When Alex opened the door completely he was taken by surprise when Jack wrapped his arms round Alex's waist, picking him up and hugging him close.

Without hesitation Alex wrapped his legs around Jacks skinny hips, burying his head in the crook of Jacks neck as silent tears of happiness streamed down his face.

Jack even smelled the same as he used to, the same aftershave that he had been using since they were teenagers, the most comforting smell in the world to Alex.

He was murmuring sweet nothings into Alex's ear and running his hands through Alex's hair as they embraced, and Alex started to listen to what Jack was saying.

"I'm so sorry Alex, I'll never leave again, I promise."

It was like someone had suddenly thrown a bucket of ice cold water over Alex. The sudden realisation that he was just believing every word that was leaving Jacks mouth again hit him hard, making him untangle his arms and legs from around Jacks body. Alex shakily took a deep breath as Jack gave him a confused and slightly hurt look, which Alex ignored.

He could feel his angry and bitter exterior that had been building up for the last 5 years making a comeback, the scowl that was so familiar to Alex forming a mask over his previous expression.

"I think you should leave."
His tone was harsh and cutting, and Jack visibly recoiled slightly, looking even more hurt and confused.

"Alex I don't underst-"
"Shut up. You can't just waltz in and out of my life as you please you know, I fucking hate what you've done to me. I fucking hate you."

He snarled his words, watching as Jack began to look more and more broken with every second that passed.

"You ruined me Jack, you made me entirely dependant on you and then you left. You fucking left me on my own. And you know what? I don't want to ever see you again, you disgust me. I don't need you anymore, so just leave."

His voice cracked on the last word, as Alex felt the lump in his throat start to form again, getting worse because of the fact that Jack was now making noises like a wounded animal as he sobbed.

A feeling of guilt and pain washed over Alex like a tidal wave, and he began to turn away and walk back into his apartment, purely because he couldn't bear to see his Jack in tears because of him.

So without thinking twice about it, he stepped back into his apartment, shutting the door behind him, before breaking down in tears for the third time that day.

*two days later*

Alex collapsed on top of Craig panting, before pulling out and laying down on the bed. Craig turned his head to look at Alex, and smiled at him before shuffling closer.

"You're officially forgiven now babe, that was amazing."
Alex grunted in reply. Craig had decided to make Alex apologise by coming round to his apartment an hour ago. Alex wasn't planning on apologising at all - after all, Alex had only spoken his mind, but his need for sex had gotten in the way of that. Even if it wasn't with the person he really wanted to be sleeping with.

Craig shuffled even closer if that was possible, and the invasion of Alex's space irritated him to no end - Alex was most definitely not a cuddler.

So when Craig rested his head on Alex's chest, he knew he would just end up throwing him off if he didn't say something.

"Craig, come on, you know I'm not into cuddling."
Craig sighed and moved away again, giving Alex a couple of inches of space - which wasn't enough space in his opinion, but it was better than nothing.

"Yes Alex I know you're not into cuddling. You're also not into any other signs of affection, and I really don't understand."

Alex shrugged at his statement, not really agreeing not not denying it either. It was true, he hadn't been affectionate for years. Five years in fact. Even his mother had been hard pushed to get a hug out of him.

"You've been acting really weird ever since this Jack kid has been around. Will you please just tell me what's going on?"

Alex sighed, twirling his own hair through his fingers restlessly as he pondered his answer.
"There's nothing to tell. We were best friends ages ago and he left. Now he decides to waltz back into my life but I've come to my senses, and I realise that I never needed him around. In fact, I hate his guts."

Lies. Alex was trying to convince himself that he hated Jack more than he was trying to convince Craig.

The man next to him looked thoughtful for a moment, before doing that annoying thing where he can tell when Alex is lying but won't drop the subject.

"So if you hate him so much now why are you still bitter over the fact that he left? If you hated him then you would see it as a good thing that he left while you were best friends."

Annoyingly, he had a point. Not that Alex hated Jack at all really though, quite the opposite in fact.

"Your mum seems fond of him."
He sounded sad when he said that, and Alex couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. It was a touchy subject for Craig, because he had always been upset about that fact that Alexs mother so blatantly disliked him.

"When Jacks parents died she took him in and he lived with us for a while. Before... Well, you know."
Craig rolled over onto his stomach and studied Alex hard for a few minutes. It made Alex feel as though Craig was reading his mind, and it made him feel ridiculously uncomfortable.

"You obviously still want to be friends with him, so why not just try and put things right? I mean obviously its not going to be the same as it used to be, but I can see you're miserable."

Alex felt a rush of affection for Craig just then. Though he could be a whiney bitch at times, he was a sweet guy, and seemed genuinely concerned about Alexs happiness. If only things had worked out differently. It would be much easier on everyone if Alex was head over heels in love with Craig instead of Jack.

The guilt of this situation made Alex hold his arms out awkwardly, signalling for Craig to lie down in them. His mouth hung open in shock for a good few seconds, but then he grinned widely and laid down with him.

Though he still felt guilty, he sort of wished he hadn't offered the cuddle. Being this close to another human without sex being involved felt weird and awkward to Alex.

It wasn't that he didn't enjoy cuddles, it was just that the only person Alex ever wanted to cuddle was the person he could never have.

Alex sighed in relief when the telephone started ringing, and used it as an excuse to push Craig's body off of him, grabbing a clean pair of boxers on his way to the phone. He hopped on one leg as he put the other through his boxers, sliding them up to his hips before grabbing the telephone.

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, its me."

"Hi mum, what's up?"

"I was wondering if you've seen Jack recently? I haven't seen him for a couple of days."

A strange feeling settled in the pit of Alex's stomach. He felt anxious and worried, wishing he had been less harsh with his words when he had last seen Jack.

"Um no I haven't seen him for a couple of days either. He's probably buggered off again to wherever it is he keeps disappearing to."

"I hope he's alright, I can't help but think he was slightly upset after he got back from yours the other day. He looked like he'd been crying."

Her tone sounded sharp and accusing, and another wave of guilt washed through Alex's body at the though of Jack in tears.

"Look mum, I only told him what he needed to hear. I couldn't give less of a shit whether I've upset the wanker or not."
Lies. He hated upsetting Jack, it was like someone was sticking a knife through his stomach and twisting it everytime he thought about his Jack upset.

"Will you watch your language please? Besides, we know that's not true don't we? You still care about him."

"I don't. And even if I did then I still wouldn't forgive him. I'm going now, Cragis over. Bye."

He slammed the phone back on its hook with unnecessary force, but not before he heard something along the lines of "fine, go back to your whiney bitch." being uttered on the other end of the phone.
Stomping back to his room, he got back under the covers and put his arms above his head, staring at the ceiling as Craig spoke.

"What did your mum want?"

"Nothing important. She was just making sure I was okay."
Craig nodded sleepily, seeming happy with his answer, and Alex snuggled down into the bed to attempt to get some sleep.

As soon as he closed his eyes however, the worried and anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach returned. Jack wouldn't do anything stupid would he? Alex hoped not.