I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

The days seemed to drag on like weeks, and with each passing hour Alex was growing more and more anxious. The feeling of worry and guilt had settled in his stomach permanently, and doing normal, everyday things was becoming increasingly difficult.

All he could think about was Jack. Though on the outside he told everyone that he couldn’t care less what happens to the man anymore, this was as far from the truth as possible.

Somewhere deep down, Alex knew that Jack had more than likely left again, to return to whatever life he had been leading for the past five years, but Alex couldn’t bring himself to believe that he had given up.

Though Alex had made it sound like he didn’t care about Jack anymore, seeing Jack again had had the opposite effect. All the feelings that Alex had for him just came rushing back again the second he looked into those big brown eyes, the only part of him that hadn’t changed one bit.

In all honestly Alex was disappointed that Jack hadn’t fought for him a little more, and the fact that he was gone again right after Alex had only just got him back made regret pool in his gut.

His mother had told him that Alex was just jumping to conclusions, that Jack probably hadn’t left again and that Alex should have more faith in him. But why should he? All faith Alex had for him had been thrown out of the window the second Jack abandoned him the first time. Alex had no reason to trust him anymore, so why should he give Jack the benefit of the doubt?

A small voice in the back of Alex’s head told him that Jack was the love of his life, and no matter how many times Jack hurt Alex, Alex would always have faith in him. The thought made him feel angry towards Jack, even though it wasn’t exactly Jacks fault that Alex was hopelessly in love with him.

Looking around his apartment, it was obvious that Alex had let himself go recently. Dirty clothes were strewn over most of the furniture, along with empty beer cans and pizza boxes. In the kitchen the dishes were piled high in the sink, and Alex was pretty sure they had been there since he had gotten back from the hospital.

Sighing, he got a black bin liner out of the cupboard under the sink, and began to pick up all the rubbish that littered his apartment floor.

Around 3 hours of his day was spent getting his apartment suitable for living in again, and he was pretty much done when he came across his iPod underneath one of the sofa cushions.

Unlocking the screen, he froze when he saw the song that it was paused on. He had forgotten that he hadn’t touched his iPod since that night that Jack had come round, and a stab of regret and pain rushed through Alex’s body at the memory.

Acting upon impulse, he plugged his iPod into the docking station, before turning down the volume and pressing play. The second the opening notes began to play, a smile spread across his face at the memories that came with this song.

*six years ago*

Alex jolted awake to the sound of his ringtone blaring through the silent room, and he quickly fumbled for it in the darkness before it woke up his parents.

Without even opening his eyes, he pressed the answer button and held the phone to his ear. He didn’t bother checking the caller ID – there was only one person that could possibly be calling his at this time of night.

“Hello?”

“Hey bud, you alright?”

“Jack what the fuck?! I was asleep, dick for brains.”

“I figured you would be, but I can’t sleep Alex.”
Though Alex couldn’t see Jack, he could practically hear the pout that he was more than likely wearing. Sitting up and turning on his bedside lamp, Alex yawned and rubbed his eyes.

“Well I’m awake now too, thanks a lot.”

“Well if we’re both awake then we may as well sneak out! I mean it’s no good just sitting here like a couple of saddos right?”

Alex hesitated – he would be in huge amounts of trouble with his parents if he got caught. But there was little point even thinking about saying no, as he would always do anything that Jack wanted him to do.

“Alright, but you are coming round here to get me. I’m still not fully awake yet.”

“Yay thanks Lexy! I’ll be there in ten.”

They both hung up and Alex dragged his still half asleep body out of bed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

Creeping down the stairs was a difficult task, as pretty much every step creaked, but he managed to get to the bottom without causing any kind of disturbance. Still yawning, he pulled on his converse and grabbed his keys and jacket, before stepping out into the cold air outside.

To his surprise, Jack was already sat on the wall outside Alex’s house, with huge bags under his eyes and a goofy grin on his face. His skunk hair looked neat, which suggested that he hadn’t even tried to get to sleep that night.

In fairness, if Alex suffered nightmares as bad as the ones Jack had, he probably wouldn’t want to go to sleep either. But lack of sleep was taking its toll on Jack, and he seemed to be looking more and more frail with each passing day.

“Sup bedhead.”

“Shut up, if you were woken up by some sleep deprived lunatic I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be looking too hot yourself.”

Jack frowned and looked at the ground guiltily, scuffing the ground with the end of his shoe.
“I know, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know, I didn’t really want to go to sleep tonight ya know?”

“I know Jacky it’s okay, I understand.”

By this point they were walking down the road together, heading for the place that they always went to. Neither of them needed to clarify that that was where they were going, it was just always where they went.

“I know, I still feel kinda bad for waking you up and then making you listen to all my problems though.”

“Don’t feel bad, it’s what I’m here for right?”

When they reached the field, they headed for the specific tree that had their tree house concealed in its branches, and Alex stopped to let Jack climb up the rope ladder that they had left there.
There was no danger of anyone else getting into their tree house, because technically they weren’t meant to be in this part of the field at all.

For some reason there was a huge no entry sign and a wire fence surrounding the small cluster of trees in the centre of the field, so no one ever came here. Though Alex and Jack weren’t allowed in there either, that had never stopped them.

They sat with their sides pressed against each other, and their backs against the wall, not because they were short of space, but because they were both more comfortable while they were near each other. Once they were settled comfortably on the wooden floor of their self-built den, Jack pulled out his iPod and put their song on repeat quietly, before resting his head on Alex’s shoulder.

“Do you know why you have such bad nightmares Jacky?”

“I get scared before I go to sleep. I feel like I’m not safe or something.”

Alex frowned. He hated the idea of Jack being scared before he went to sleep, because that was the one time in the day that Alex wasn’t there to comfort him.

“Maybe you should think of somewhere that you do feel safe and then try and sleep there. You haven’t been getting enough sleep and I’m starting to worry a little.”

Jack yawned and snuggled closer to Alex’s side, making Alex’s heart jolt in his chest.

“I feel safe here, with you.”

Alex didn’t even bother trying to hide the smile that spread over his face at Jacks words, because he knew that in the darkness Jack couldn’t see.

“Then go to sleep now Jacky, I don’t mind.”

“Thanks Alex.”

His voice was barely audible because it was muffled by Alex’s jacket, and after a couple of minutes his breathing evened out and Alex knew he was asleep.

“Don’t waste your time on me you’re already the voice inside my head.”
Alex didn’t bother turning off his and Jacks favourite song as his eyelids started to droop, the two of them sleeping soundly cuddled up against each other.

................................................................................................................

Alex smiled at the memory. They had both gotten into huge amounts of trouble the next day, as when their parents woke up the next morning they saw that both Jacks and Alex’s beds were empty.

It had been worth the grounding though, as Jack had finally gotten a proper night’s sleep and Alex had gotten to spend the whole night cuddled up with Jack.

Alex looked at the time, and saw that since it was nearly 3:00 he should be expecting a call from Craig any minute now. He groaned and sat back on the couch, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

In all honestly, Alex just couldn’t tolerate his overly clingy boyfriend at the moment. Seeing Jack again had only made Alex fall more in love with Jack, and less in love with Craig. Not that Alex had ever been in love with Craig in the first place, Jack was the only person he had ever truly loved.

Though he felt a little guilty, Alex stood up and disconnected the phone cable so that it wouldn’t be able to ring, before switching his mobile off.

He knew he would probably pay for that next time he spoke to Craig, but he couldn’t care less at the moment. He couldn’t possibly be dealing with Craig while his mind was still so focused on Jack.