I Miss You, I'm So Sorry

Alex’s P.O.V.

After two days of wallowing in self-pity and guilt, Alex decided that it was about time he started to man up. He couldn’t hide from Craig forever, and despite what he had made it look like he actually did care about Craig’s feelings.

Taking a deep breath, he raised his hand and rapped on the door of Craig’s apartment, waiting patiently as footsteps approached on the other side of the door. Trying to calm himself, he concentrated on keeping his breathing regular as he heard the door being unlocked.

Once it was open, Alex was met by an unkempt looking Craig. He obviously hadn’t shaved recently, and his hair looked untidy and slightly greasy. There were bags under his swollen eyes, making it look like he hadn’t been sleeping recently. If possible, Alex felt even more guilty and disgusted with himself at the sight of him.

“Oh it's you.”

He sounded less than pleased to see him, but Alex didn’t really blame him.

“Craig I really think we need to talk.”

Craig sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly as he opened the door wider to let Alex walk past. Smiling shiftily, Alex entered the apartment and waited for Craig to close the door and join him.

“Go on then, talk.”
Alex took a deep breath, ready to lie his way out of the situation like the pig he was.

“Craig baby, I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I did it, it just happened, but fuck I regret it so much. If I could go back then I would, but I can’t. I can only hope that you’re gonna forgive me.”

Craig looked about ready to burst into tears by this point, and Alex could hardly believe the amount of self-disgust he was feeling at the moment. It was no wonder none of his high school friends wanted to be around him anymore, he had turned into the most selfish pig alive.

“Alex… I don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to get over this completely.”

He wouldn’t look Alex in the eye, instead letting his gaze rest on the ground. Panic was seeping into Alex’s brain, clouding his judgement completely, making his thoughts go into frenzy. Without Craig his security blanket was gone. Alex couldn’t deal with that.

“Craig please baby, I need you. I will get on my knees and beg if I have to.”

Craig looked at him pitifully and sighed, sitting down on one of the sofas and resting his head in his hands. He was quiet for a few seconds, and the panic that had set in was starting to take over Alex’s body.

He needed Craig. As long as he had Craig he knew there would be no danger in him ever getting hurt again, as the only way you could get hurt is by falling in love.

“I need to know that it’s not gonna happen again Alex.”
He looked Alex dead in the eye as he spoke, making Alex feel increasingly uncomfortable. Alex walked over to where Craig was sat, and took one of his hands in his own.

“I promise you, it will never happen again. It’s nowhere near worth loosing you over some stupid mistake. I’m so sorry, there’s no one else I would rather be with than you baby.”

Alex watched as Craig believed every lie that came out of Alex’s mouth, and Alex didn’t even feel guilty anymore. He felt nothing. It was like someone had sucked the soul right out of him, leaving behind a selfish disgusting cheating liar, who certainly didn’t deserve someone as good natured as the man in front of him. The only emotion Alex could possibly feel at the moment was self-disgust.

Craig nodded and walked over to where Alex was stood, wrapping his arms around him tightly and resting his head on Alex’s shoulder.

“We’ll be fine Alex, me and you. We can get through anything as long as we’re together.”

Alex hugged Craig back, before speaking again, the words sounding hollow and emotionless to his own ears.

“Yep babe, we’ll be fine.”

Fine. That’s all Alex and Craig would ever be. Never in love, or passionate, just fine. But that was okay for Alex, as he knew that if he were to be with the person he truly loved it would only end in heartbreak again. Fine was good for him.

Alex had accepted that he would never be with the one he loved, so Craig would be good enough. It would never be anything close to love, but it would be fine. Alex could settle for that.

Jacks P.O.V.

*flashback*

Alex came bounding up to where Jack was waiting for him with a huge smile on his face. Jack had asked him to meet him at their usual spot, so naturally Alex had come to their tree house as soon as he could.
“Hey Jacky!”
Without warning he had plonked himself onto Jacks lap, wrapping his arms around Jacks neck in greeting. This wasn’t out of the ordinary for the two of them, but it shocked and pleased Jack nonetheless.
“Hi Alex.”
Alex pulled his head back and looked Jack dead in the eye, frowning slightly, his light brown eyes looking worried.
“Are you okay? You seem kinda… I don’t know. You just seem sad or something.”
Jacks heart started beating fast, and he avoided all eye contact with his best friend. He had been hoping that Alex wouldn’t notice his sinister mood.
“No no, I’m fine. Just wanted to see you is all.”
Alex grinned at his words, and climbed off Jacks lap so that they could both be sitting with their backs against the wall.
“Oh okay. I always want to see you so that’s no bad thing.”
Alex was still smiling, making Jack feel like his heart was breaking. But his decision was final; there was no going back now.
“You know that you’re my best friend and I love you right?”
Jacks voice was close to breaking, he just hoped that Alex wouldn’t notice. Alex looked confused, but smiled nonetheless.
“Yeah course, I feel the same about you Jacky.”
Jack nodded, staring at his scruffy converse. He knew that Alex knew something was up, but he was grateful that Alex wasn’t pressing him for information.
There was a few seconds of silence, comfortable on Alex’s part and awkward on Jacks. All Jack wanted to do was savour these moments between him and Alex.
“Jack… I’m worried. It’s obvious something is up, are you sure you’re okay?”
Any second now Jack was going to break down. The swirl of painful emotions in Jacks brain was becoming far too much to handle as he attempted to swallow the lump in his throat, tears stinging in his eyes.
“Actually Alex I’ve got to get going now.”
As soon as the words left his mouth Jack had jumped up, leaving Alex looking bewildered and confused. Clambering down the tree, Jack waited at the bottom for Alex so that they could walk back together.
As soon as Alex was on the ground next to him Jack started walking at a fast pace, leaving Alex half walking half jogging behind him. The walk was a lot quicker than usual due to the quick pace in which they were walking, and once they reached Alex’s street Jack stooped dead letting an out of breath Alex catch up with him.
“Jack… I’m seriously really worried about you right now.”
“Don’t be… I just… I have to go now okay?”
Alex nodded, and without hesitation Jack grabbed him in for a tight hug. Their last hug.
Jack took this one opportunity to take all of Alex in one last time. The feel of their body’s pressed against each other, the smell of his shampoo and aftershave. The hug was a lot longer than usual, but Jack couldn’t bring himself to let go. He wished that he could stay here like this forever, without any of the complications that he was facing.
Jack tried to put all the emotions he was feeling into that last hug, burying his face into Alex’s hair as his eyes started to sting with tears. Taking a deep breath he finally managed to pull away from their embrace, to look at Alex who had a worried look on his face.
Kissing the top of Alex’s head, Jack watched as Alex started to walk away slightly.
“Right well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then yeah?”
Pain shot through Jacks body at those words, as he knew that he couldn’t promise Alex that he would be seeing him tomorrow. But he nodded anyway just to satisfy him.
Alex smiled at him, and Jack made a mental note to never forget that smile of his. Jack watched Alex walk away until he couldn’t see him anymore, and finally he was able to let his emotions out.
Though when he found that when he was able to cry, there were no tears. No feeling whatsoever. It was like as Alex was walking away he was taking Jacks heart and soul with him, leaving him an emotionless shell.
The only emotion Jack could feel was pain, and that was the only emotion that stayed with him for the next five years of his life without Alex.