Shield Me From the Storms

I couldn’t tell if I liked Josh’s reaction or if it terrified me. I could see the very moment his eyes took in the bruise just below my eyebrow and my heart skipped a beat. He looked ready to murder someone. Not me, thankfully, but someone. Even after I’d reassured him that no one had hit me, he still didn’t seem convinced. Again, I was torn between loving how protective he was and irritated that he didn’t trust me. And I mean, it wasn’t like I was lying. I would have told him if I was being bullied or whatever. Maybe. But I hadn’t been. And while I hadn’t technically lied saying I fell, I’d just omitted certain facts. It still irritated me that he didn’t believe me when I told him I’d fallen, but I did understand his disbelief. Because honestly, how many people fall in the shower and get a bruise like this? Sure, you could fall in the shower, but normally you could catch yourself and prevent yourself from whacking your head. But not me, nope.

Josh came over to do homework on Sunday afternoon, which was nice. We spent a few hours just chatting, cuddling and kissing in my room before we actually got around to being productive. And even then, we didn’t finish everything, but we did the necessary work for Monday. That would have to do. I didn’t want to spend all my time with him doing homework, anyway. I’d much rather talk to Josh, get to know him as much as possible. He told me more about each of his pets, all of their names and random funny behaviours. “Do you have a dog?” I asked him with a smile. “I could come with you when you walk him.”
“Yeah,” Josh grinned at me, squeezing my hand. “That would be good. Usually in the morning we have a short walk, about 20 minutes, but then in the evenings it’s usually about an hour. So you could come in the evenings if you wanted.”
“Yeah,” I smiled, leaning against his shoulder. “I’d like that.” The thought of going out in the evening, every evening, with Josh – a time of day when I got tired and so was prone to more seizures – was kind of terrifying, but it was a good kind of terrifying. I wanted to go out with him, seizures or no. And that was something that I’d never felt before. I’d always wanted to hide rather than risk it but with Josh…I was thinking that I might be willing to take that risk. If not now, then soon.

Josh left at about 8 o’clock after a long hug at the doorway. He pressed his lips to mine in a tender kiss that still made my toes curl even though I was starting to get used to kissing him. I couldn’t help but smile into his shoulder as he held me tight and then headed back over the road to his house. My parents had generally left us alone for the afternoon, but as soon as the door shut, my dad appeared in the doorway to the living room. “He seems nice,” he said and I smiled and nodded.
“He is,” I said.
“Does he know about your epilepsy?” he asked and my smile wavered.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t want him to know.”
“If you like him, he deserves to know, Daniel,” he said and I sighed and shook my head.
“I like him and that’s exactly why I’m not telling him,” I said before retreating to my room. My dad was wrong. I wasn’t going to drive Josh away by telling him that I had an illness. Wasn’t that just the way to lose someone – tell them there’s something wrong with you? I wasn’t an idiot and I wasn’t going to tell him.

I went for a shower in preparation for the morning – I decided to shower in the evening rather than wake up early to shower in the morning. I don’t know why, but it felt like I was getting more sleep if I slept in later, even if I go to bed later too. I yawned as I pulled my clothes off and then got into the shower under the warm water. Closing my eyes and dunking my head under the spray, I sighed and relaxed. A smile pulled at my lips as I thought about Josh again. I really couldn’t believe how strongly I felt for him, it didn’t seem real. I opened my eyes but suddenly felt that sinking feeling of an approaching seizure. I shut the water off, but in my panic, the seizure crept up on me and hit me. I didn’t even feel myself hit my head on the tap as I went down.

When I next woke up, I was in my bedroom lying on my bed dressed in a pair of boxer-briefs. My dad was hovering over me and I felt my cheeks burn in shame when I realised he’d found me in the bathroom. I rolled over away from him and faced the wall. “You’ve got a nasty bump on your head, Dan,” dad said gently. I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling a throbbing on the bone just above my left eye. Great.
“I’m fine,” I said. All I could focus on was my embarrassment. We’d established years ago that if I took more than half an hour in the shower, then my dad would check on me. At least it wasn’t my mum, I was thankful for that at least.
“Your medication’s on your table,” dad said gently, sensing my embarrassment. I just nodded and he left, closing the door gently behind him. I sighed and rolled over to get my pills, swallowing them before curling up in bed and attempting to fall asleep.

The next morning, I stared at myself in horror. I should have put ice on my head last night. A large dark purple-brown bruise had formed just next to my eyebrow and I knew no one could miss it. I tried using my mum’s make up to cover it, as I had successfully done in the past, but it didn’t work, it just turned it a slightly paler shade of purple. As I tried to figure out what to do, I texted Josh to tell him I didn’t need a lift that morning, wanting to delay as long as possible before he saw me. And if he saw it at school, in a more public place, he might ask fewer questions. Instead, I waited until I saw Josh leave and then my dad drove me in.

When Josh and I went to the park, I was kind of nervous. I didn’t want him asking more questions, even though I could see he was concerned. But I didn’t know what else I could say – obviously I’d told him that I fell, that I hit my head – and it wasn’t my fault that he didn’t believe me.

We sat in the park, my back against Josh’s chest and I liked knowing that he wouldn’t be able to see my bruise, that he was just holding me. It was peaceful and relaxing and I could feel how much Josh cared for me in the way he held me. I wanted to stay like that forever, no seizures, no bruise, just us. But inevitably, Josh had to get to soccer practice, so he drove me home. He didn’t make another comment about the bruise, which I was glad about. He held my hand as he drove, our joint hands resting on the gear stick and I swear, I couldn’t remember a time when I was so content. I let my head fall to rest on his shoulder as he drove and a small smile pulled at my lips.