Shield Me From the Storms

I felt the bed rustle softly as Dani got up, but I didn't respond. He probably just had to pee. I quickly fell back into sleep only to be woken what felt like moments later by him sitting on the bed. As I blinked my eyes in a struggle to crawl from the grogginess, he whispered my name and fell forward. The thud snapped me out of any drowsiness and I leaped from the bed, falling to my knees only to freeze with half outstretched arms. His body was shaking violently against the floor. My heart started pounding, my blood pumping through my veins. A rushing sound clouded my ears, memories of blood and crunching metal flashed before my eyes. My hands flew to my head in an attempt to block the repressed memories. I heard screaming and realized it was me. Before I knew it, I was running. Running down the stairs, through the living room. I don't remember opening the door. Then I saw Dani's dad. His eyes widened in absolute bewilderment.
“Josh, are you okay?”
I felt my own body start to shake, my head rocked left to right. “Dani...,” was all I could get out before running past them too and into the street. I didn't stop running until I reached Sophia's house. I collapsed onto her porch, struggling to even breath. I flinched as the image of dawning headlights blinded me, the sound of a car horn blaring, then silence.
I don't remember knocking or ringing the door bell, but suddenly Sophia was there, on her knees, her hands touching my face.
“Josh? Josh! What's going on? Josh, honey...”
I looked up into her worried face. “Dani...,” I shook my head, a sob ripping its way through my throat.
“Dani? Is he okay? Josh, what happened?”
“W-we... we were sleeping and he.. he fell. Dani – he's... he's just like Dad.”
And everything went black.

“You want a chocolate shake, dear?”
My mama looked down at me sweetly and I nodded.
“Yes, please.”
She smiled and told the pretty waitress our order. Dad sat across from us in the booth, his hands folded, his eyes transfixed on mama and I. He had tiny wrinkles around the edges of his eyes and the corners of his mouth when he smiled. I found them endearing, but I didn't know why.
“Why are you smiling, Daddy?” I asked him.
He laughed. “Because I'm happy, Josh. I'm happy to be with my family again and I can't wait to start our new lives together in England.” As he said that, his and Mama's hands found each other and intertwined. They were smiling at each other, clearly happy.
“I'm happy too, Daddy. I missed you.”
Our order came then. Fried chicken baskets and chocolate shakes. Yum. I devoured everything in my path, even half of Mama's chicken basket and all her fries. She wasn't much for eating, but that was okay with me. I ate a lot.
“When will we be in England?” I asked the question again for the hundredth time.
“In two days time. We have a long lay over after our first flight, so we decided to take another flight the next day.”
Two days. 48 hours. I was so excited to be in our new home and see Sophia again. I haven't seen my best friend in 400 days. Yes, I kept track.
After our food was gone, we stood up to leave, Mama putting my coat back on. Dad placed a nice tip on the table for the waitress and we left.
It was almost dark out, the sun clinging to the horizon in its last attempt to light the earth. But five minutes into our drive, the moon was out and stars brightened the sky. The high way was fairly packed with vehicles as everyone rushed to get home for dinner.
Mama and Daddy were talking quietly amongst each other, so I leaned back in my seat and watched them. They were smiling a lot, their hands intertwined again. The radio was playing softly in the background, one of Mama's favorites, Yesterday by the Beatles.
It's been years since I've seen Mama and Daddy smile like that together. I felt a surge of joy course through my body. I couldn't wait to live in England with my parents. We're going to be so happy together.
I started to sing the lyrics to the song on the radio softly to myself when I noticed the slight shaking in my father's hand. My mother's brow furrowed and she mouthed, “are you okay?” to my father.
He nodded, his face suddenly strained. I noticed the sweat on his forehead, but he does that a lot, ever since he got back from the war.
And then my dad was shaking violently against his seat. The car swerved, I was blinded by white light as screams and car horns blasted my ears. And then nothing.
It was cold, it was damp. I heard a noise I couldn't quite make out. My eyes blinked open, staring at the shattered roof of the car. I realized I was upside down, strapped to my seat by my seat belt.
I heard the noise again and glanced forward. It was my mom, also upside down, Daddy's hand still intertwined with hers, at an odd angle. The noise was coming from her. It was a low, sorrowful moan, a deep wallow full of pain. It grew in volume and intensity and she screamed her sobs. It was the last sound I heard before I once again fell into darkness.

My eyes blinked open and focused on the bright pink lamp shade on the night stand next to Sophia's bed. The lamp cast a low glow in the obnoxiously painted room. Neon orange walls with hot pink poka dots and luminous yellow sunflowers with glittery green stems and leaves.
“Hey, Josh,” Sophia murmured softly, coming to sit on the edge of her bed. Her fingers delicately wiped my brow and brushed my hair back.
I slowly sat up, resting my elbows on my knees and allowing my head to fall into my hands. A long sigh fell from my lips and I felt the stinging of more unshed tears.
Soph's hand started to rub my back, a type of affection she learned I appreciated. It was something my dad used to do when I was nervous or upset. But now, it did nothing to comfort me.
“I don't know what to do, Soph.”
“You need to talk to him, Josh. Work things out.”
“How am I supposed to work things out?” I looked over at her, she was biting her lip in nervousness. “He couldn't even tell me that he...,” I stopped, plopping my face back into my hands. “If I had known... if I had only known, it wouldn't be like this. I wouldn't have run.”
“You ran?”
Guilt thickened my blood and put a lump in my throat. “I panicked, Sophia. I – I ran. Luckily, his parents showed up just as I was leaving so I knew he was okay. I just... I freaked out.”
“What if his parents didn't show up? Would you still have run?” She stood up from the bed, facing me now with less concern and more anger. But she had a right to be angry about this. Running like I did... it wasn't the right thing to do.
“Yes,” I answered truthfully. I wasn't going to lie to myself, I did something completely stupid. But I had my reasons, panicked and scarred reasons. “All I could see was my dad, all I could hear was the crash, Sophia. I panicked. Running was wrong, but if I had known ahead of time... it wouldn't have been like this. I would have been able to take care of him, I would have been prepared. Why didn't he tell me? Was his safety not a concern for him at all?” I spewed my confused words at Sophia, suddenly really upset with Dani for his apparent lack of self responsibility. “What if this happened in public? On a date? He could have been hurt. I had no idea what to do.”
“I don't know. We both know he has trust issues, maybe he was still waiting for that sign that would tell him it was time to tell you his biggest secret.”
I felt tears starting to trickle down my cheeks as despair hit me like a brick in the chest. Obviously, this was all my fault. Dani couldn't trust me enough to tell me he had health issues, he couldn't put his faith in me. What kind of boyfriend does that make me? And, just to prove what he thought about me, I ran. I ran when he needed me most. I'm fucking pathetic.
“I fucked up,” I cried, shaking with sobs. “I fucked up so bad.”
Sophia wrapped her arms around me, cradling my head as I sobbed into her stomach. I've ruined everything.

“Poor kid...”
“.. had a seizure..”
“Dead father.... mama's good for nothin'...”
“...god parents are takin care of him now...”
“...epilepsy? Who knew?”
“I heard it was PTSD.”
“Well, I heard the daddy had epilepsy all his life and the PTSD triggered his first seizure.”
“Oh, how awful.”
I knelt in front of the fire place in Sophia's living room, bits and pieces of conversation invading my ears. I just wanted to cover them, block out everything those stupid adults were saying. They didn't know anything.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up into Sophia's freckled face. Her hair was softly curled and she wore a red velvet dress and black dress shoes. She looked really pretty. I took her offered hand and stood up, brushing off my dress pants and straightening the hem of my sweater before walking out of the room. We followed the group of people leaving the house and getting into cars to head to the cemetery.
When we reached it, there was a light drizzle. Sophia and I shared an umbrella and walked together, standing in the first row of mourners. Father Junah began, his deep voice vibrating through the ground, through my toes, and up to my chest. It felt like someone was sitting on me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't feel. I was numb to it all. The casket, the crying people, my mother reduced to nothing but sobs and ruined make up. I stood as straight as a toothpick, didn't make a sound and didn't move. Junah's voice was the only thing I could hear and I concentrated on that. I wasn't going to acknowledge the fact that that was my father in the casket, that I was daddy-less. Coming to England was supposed to be happy, I was supposed to be happy, Mama was supposed to be happy. This isn't real. This is a dream. And I'm going to wake up at any moment on a plane next to my daddy. He isn't dead.