Shield Me From the Storms

In all honesty, I did feel kind of bad. I should have listened to Josh sooner. I shouldn’t have just dismissed him as being untrustworthy and unreliable. He was a good guy, I knew that. And I love him, I really did. I should have known he’d have a good reason for behaving the way he had, and he did. And I understood why he’d done what he had. He was reminded of his father. No wonder he freaked out. I would have too, if the roles were reversed. I guess I should have told him sooner, so he could have told me about his dad and we could both have been aware of the entire situation. But there’s no point thinking about what we should have done differently. Things were the way they were and now we just had to move forward.

Josh and I were curled together on my bed. I’d missed this, I really had. With Josh’s arms around me, I felt safer than I ever had in my life; I felt protected. “I missed this,” Josh whispered and I grinned and turned in his arms to look up at him.
“Me, too,” I whispered, leaning in to kiss his lips gently. Josh’s arms that had been loosely wrapped around me suddenly tightened and he pulled me firmly against his body. I didn’t resist and I clung onto his shirt as I pressed myself against him. God, I’d missed this so much. It had only been like 4 days since Josh had slept over, but it felt like years. Josh’s tongue stoked my lower lip and I eagerly gave him entrance and I stroked my tongue over his. He groaned slightly and he rolled onto his back, pulling me on top of him. I shifted slightly so I was straddling his hips as we continued to kiss. Nothing would make me stop kissing this boy, I just wanted this to last forever. When Josh’s lips were on mine like that, when his hands were on me and we were just together everything felt right. Everything felt calm. I pulled my lips away from his when my lungs started to burn in need of oxygen and I trailed kisses down his neck. “Love you,” I mumbled against his skin as I kissed and sucked and Josh tightened his grip on my hips.
“Love you,” he whispered, gasping as I took his skin between my teeth gently. I kissed my way back to his lips and kissed him deeply one final time before resting my head on his chest so we could catch our breath properly.
“I don’t want to go to school tomorrow,” I whispered and Josh made a noise of agreement as he stroked his fingers through my hair.
“Me neither,” he said quietly. “I just want to lie here with you forever.” I grinned and turned my face into his chest, feeling his heart beat just below my head. I was starting to get tired and I wasn’t sure what Josh was going to do. Was he going to leave once I fell asleep like he usually did? Was he going to stay with me? Was he going to freak out again in the morning if I had a seizure? “You okay?” Josh asked quietly, obviously sensing my racing thoughts.
“Yeah,” I whispered, lifting my head and meeting his gaze. I placed a tender kiss to his lips, still over the moon that I was able to do so again. I would never get sick of kissing him. I settled back down next to him with my head back on his chest.

We were both quiet for a few minutes, lost in our own thoughts. “Can I ask you some questions?” Josh asked and I nodded. I’d known this would happen eventually, it was only natural that Josh would want to know about my epilepsy. “How long have you been having seizures?” he asked and I shrugged.
“As long as I can remember,” I said. “I had them when I was a baby. My parents were panicked by it, obviously. At first they thought it was just random and not related to epilepsy. But then as I got older and the seizures continued, they realised it was and I started taking medication. And I’ve been taking it ever since.”
“I’ve never seen you take it,” Josh said and I nodded.
“Yeah, I always hid it,” I said. “I take it morning, noon and night. So when I had to take it at lunch I’d just wait until you were talking to Sophia or something.”
“You don’t need to hide from me anymore,” he said and I grinned, my heart swelling with happiness. “So after my dad had his seizure I looked epilepsy up a little bit. Do you have, like signs that you’re gonna have a seizure, or do they come out of nowhere?”
“I have signs,” I nodded. “Stress, tiredness and anxiety usually. My medication minimises that random seizures that I don’t feel coming, but they do arise every now and then.”
“So, why do you have them in the mornings?” he asked, moving his fingers to run through my hair.
“If I haven’t fully woken up yet, I usually have a seizure,” I said. “Like, if I’m not rested enough.” Josh nodded and continued to play with my hair. I smiled softly, my eyes slipping closed in content.
“Do you think you’ll have one tomorrow morning?” Josh asked and I shrugged against him.
“Hard to say,” I said. “I’ve had quite a few over the last couple days, so hopefully I won't have another one for a while.”
“Because you were stressed?” he asked quietly. “Because of what I did?”
“Not necessarily,” I said, sitting up and looking down into his sad eyes. “Sometimes I just have a blip when my seizures become more frequent.” He didn’t say anything, just continued frowning. We both knew that it was because of the stress and anxiety I’d felt because of him. I leant down to kiss him tenderly. “Do you think you want to stay over tonight?” I asked nervously. “I understand if you don’t…if you’re not ready to deal with my seizure in the morning.”
“I want to stay,” he said quickly and I smiled. “I won’t run this time, I promise.” I smiled and hugged myself closer to him.
“I love you,” I whispered.
“I love you, too,” he said. We were quiet then, just thinking, and eventually falling asleep in each other’s arms.

When I woke up, I immediately sensed that I most likely wasn’t going to have a seizure. I just felt calm and relaxed. I smiled and turned to face Josh. He was still fast asleep so I took the chance to just look at him. He was so gorgeous. And he was mine once again. I leant over to gently kiss him and he stirred in his sleep. “Dani?” he muttered, his heavy eyes opening. “You okay?”
“Yep,” I smiled. “No seizure this morning.” Josh smiled and relaxed back against the pillows. “We do have to go to school, though.” Josh groaned, flinging his arm over his eyes. I just laughed quietly and got out of bed and headed into the bathroom to get ready.

Sophia grinned at us when we walked through the hall at school hand in hand. “Everything sorted with you two?” she asked us and we both grinned and nodded, Josh pressing a quick kiss to my temple.
“Do you want to come back to mine after school?” I asked Josh and he smiled and nodded, giving my hand a squeeze.
“Yeah,” he said and I smiled. Once we all picked up our books from our lockers, we all headed to English together and I sat back in my usual seat beside Josh. Throughout the lesson, Josh held my hand under the desk. It meant he couldn’t take notes but I don’t think he really minded. And I couldn’t help but grin the entire time.

Later that afternoon, Josh dropped Sophia off at home and then we both went back to my house. Neither of my parents were home yet, so we had the house to ourselves. As soon as we were in my bedroom, Josh’s lips were on mine. I grinned as I wrapped my arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, my mouth opening under his. Slowly, Josh backed me across the room and we fell onto the bed. Josh lay over me as we kissed and my heart was pounding like mad against my ribs. And then Josh’s hand slipped under my school shirt and I gasped at the feeling of his skin against mine. “Josh,” I mumbled into the kiss.
“Hmm,” he mumbled back, moving his lips down to kiss along my jaw and down my throat before sucking gently on the skin between my throat and collarbone. I gasped, my fingers going to his hair and knotting in it. And suddenly, my breathing was racing and not in a good way.
“Stop,” I gasped, pushing him away. Immediately he pulled back and looked down at me. He was breathing hard too, but not in the same way I was. I closed my eyes and tried taking deep breaths to calm myself down. I knew there was no need to be anxious, it was Josh after all, but I couldn’t help it. I think everyone’s nervous when there’s the potential for…more. I took a final deep breath and opened my eyes to find Josh, who was watching me with concern. “I’m sorry,” I whispered and Josh shook his head.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “I shouldn’t have pushed you.” I smiled and sat up next to him and took his hand in mine.
“I liked it,” I said, a blush covering my cheeks. “I just…I got nervous and…panicked.”
“Why?” he asked gently, stroking my hand he was holding. “We’ve kissed like that before.”
“I know,” I said, my blush only worsening. “But this time…I guess it kinda felt like it could lead to more.” Josh smiled softly.
“We don’t have to do more until you’re ready,” he said and I nodded.
“I know,” I said. “I am ready, and I do want to. I’m just…I’m gonna be nervous, so I have to try and keep that at a minimum.”
“How can I help?” he asked and my heart melted slightly. “What can we do to make you less nervous?” I shrugged and sighed.
“Practice I guess,” I said and Josh grinned at me and my lower stomach tensed in anticipation.
“So…build up to it,” he said and I nodded, watching him closely. “We can do that,” he said before he passionately kissed me once again, picking up where we left off. Only this time, I didn’t panic, I just enjoyed it. I liked to think that at some point, I would be able to make love to Josh. I had to hope that I’ll feel so comfortable with him that I won't be nervous. But that was easier said than done. Not that I didn’t trust Josh, because I did. But it was sex – the first time is going to be nerve-racking for even healthy people… But I knew Josh would wait until I got to the point where I could do that with him.