I'm Looking for Something More Than This

Over the next few days, Kendall hung around a lot more. It was sweet. I’m so happy him and Kirstie got back together. They’ve just been so happy. Logan and I… have been too. I think… I don’t know. We haven’t talked too much. I just want to suck his lips off every time he’s around… No talking. Just making out. I just want to kiss him! I don’t care about his day… or what he’s feelings. I just want him!

Even though I enjoy it, I know… it’s not right. We can’t have a relationship like this. I just don’t know what to do about it! He’s been so sweet and has helped me through so much. I can’t just… end it!

But on the other hand, I’ve been thinking about someone a lot… Nathan. I… don’t know what to do! I don’t know if it’s just the thought of having him around… or if I want him back… or if… I’m just attracted to him. That seems to be the only thing I can think about lately though! All my songs I write are about him! I can’t do something without making it remind me of him! The only thing I can do is look into Logan’s eyes. Thank God for those beautiful brown things! This isn’t fair to Logan though! What do I do?!

Trying to get my mind off of it, I asked Kirstie to come apartment searching with me. I haven’t mentioned the idea of moving to Logan yet, but… it’s coming… when I find a place. I just feel like it could be better for us. Maybe we’re just spending too much time together… Hopefully this will help though.

After we had looked through a handful of them, Kirtie and I broke for lunch. The second we sat down, she was on her phone, typing away a message to Kendall. This kept up throughout our whole meal. I love Kirstie and Kendall together, but how lovey they’ve been lately makes me want to throw up! Maybe it’s because… Logan and I aren’t… exactly like that…

“It’s cool that you’re talking to your boyfriend, but do you have to squeal and giggle and smile like that while you’re doing it?” I huffed.

“What? You can talk to your Logie like this and I couldn’t care,” she teased.

“But I’m not talking to him right now,” I muttered.

She stopped typing and looked up at me with something searching through her eyes. It was… weird. I didn’t like it! It made me nervous.

“Are you… and Logan having… trouble?” she asked.

“No,” I quickly muttered.

“It would make sense though… You wanting to move out and all…”

Ok, so… maybe I haven’t given her my reason for moving out, but… she’s Logan’s sister! I can’t tell her I’ve been thinking about my ex!

“I’m not moving out because of Logan,” I assured her.

“Mhhmm… Then why?” she raised her eyebrow.

“I just think… it’s… time that I… start doing this on my own,” I came up with.

“Oh really?” she snickered.

“Yep. I’m finding a new manager and am going to get my music going here in the States,” I went on.

“You can’t do that at Logan’s?”

“Kirst!” I groaned. She knew I was lying… and I hated it!

“I’m your best friend, Soph. You can tell me what’s going on,” she softened her tone.

“I’ve been… thinking about Nathan… a lot,” I confessed.

“Oh…”

“See! I can’t talk to you about this,” I complained.

“No! I just… wasn’t expecting you to say that!” she countered.

She tried to press me some more, but… I just couldn’t open up. I was horrified that she would tell Logan and he would get the wrong idea. I just want all of this to go away! I don’t want to think about Nathan! Why are feelings so confusing?!