My Heart Has Lost All Hope

Ronnie stared down at me , not with a look of shock but with a look of content and he kissed my nose before rolling off of me and getting under the covers and pulling them over me as well. He cuddled into me pulling me close. I smiled at him as our noses touched.

"Hey" He said smoothly to me. 

"Hey" I smiled back at him. 

"I promised didn't I?" he gave me an honest look and kissed my cheek. 

"you did" I smiled back at him.

We laid there for awhile cuddling naked until Ronnie started to fidget around. He got up to take the condom off and wash up a bit in the bathroom. I went and grabbed my red pajama shorts and put my new falling in reverse shirt on with it.

"sorry about that, it was getting un comfortable" he said to me stopping in the hall seeing I was dressed . 

He was still naked, his entire body was tan and his tattoos glistened from the sweat they were covered in. I couldn't help but stare at his toned abs that had the most elegant V' cut into his lower abdomen, Ronnie was breath taking.  

"You know, a picture would last longer" he teased as I blushed a bright red at him.

"Sorry Ronnie." I giggled as he walked nakedly over to me and gave me a huge hug. 
 
"Ronnie!" I shrieked as he carried me back to the room and sat me on the bed. 

"You are so adorable Nessa" He looked into my eyes and gave me probably the first genuine smile I've seen from him since I met him. All his other smiles seemed to have a sort of hidden agenda to them, this one was different. 

"Ronnie your amazing" I blushed as he started throwing on his clothes from the floor. 

I heard him laugh as he finished getting his black pair of pants on, he left his shirt off and sat next to me on the bed. He ran his fingers over my thigh tattoo and was looking at it Intently

"this tattoo is breathtaking" he said to me stil outlining it with his fingers

"you think so? " I questioned looking as all of the tattoos he was covered in. 

" it's so detailed and realistic looking" he gawked and looked at my other tattoos. 

"I love these on you" he commented as he lifted my shirt up slightly to see my cartoon like ice cream cone tattoo that pointed in towards my underwear.

"you do?" I questioned, I felt a warm sensation in my stomach as he complimented my tattoos. He made me immensely happy in this moment 

"Nessa, for some reason everything about you... It.. It brings out a happiness in me that I can't explain, every move you make, every tattoo I see, everything you are and everything you do drives me wild, I can't get you off my mind." he stumbled over his words pacing back and forth scratching his head. 

"Ronnie I'm just a nobody whose made a lot of bad decisions in her lifetime, I'm amazed you can even look at me" I stared out the window, I felt him sit next to me

"Nessa, I'm far from the ideal guy. I've been to prison. I've been into far worse things than cocaine, and I usually use girls for one thing only..." he said grabbing my face 

"I think your the crazy one for putting up with me Nessa, your the first girl I've ever wanted to do anything for and spend more then one pointless night with." I smiled as he looked into my eyes, I let a few tears fall from my face .

"I had no idea Ronnie" he smiled and kissed me once more. 

"Nessa I want to try and keep you in my life, I want to keep getting to know you like this everyday." I sniffles and wiped my tears on my shirt.

"Ronnie I want to show you the only things that I can to help explain to you why I gave up my life for the drugs and the loneliness" I walked to my bunk and grabbed my notebook, binder and black bag. 

"Nessa you don-"  he started to say 

"no Ronnie, I want to" I insisted and sat the things next to him on the bed.

He hesitated as I passed him the bag, I opened it and grabbed out my most prized possession. A Nikon D3000 camera. With an attachable flash. Ronnie looked at it then my leg.

"I was 19 when I got that tattoo. And I got this camera when I was 16, I always had an eye for photography and it was for the longest time, the Only thing I've ever felt happy owning," I explained and handed it to him

"Nessa... Your a photographer ?" I scoffed

"I wish Ronnie, it was a dream I never got to pursue, no one ever supported me. But that didn't stop me for a long time so I did what everyone else wanted me to, I got a medical degree...." I hesitated he was watching me Intently.

"Things were going great, I was amazing at my career, I graduated college and then... " I started to tear up a bit. 

"Nessa you don't have to tell me all at once, we can continue this another time" Ronnie pleaded not wanting me to cry. 

"I can never get the right words to explain everything in person which is why I have these.." I picked up my notebook and binder and handed them both to him. 

"Ronnie, this notebook explains a lot about what I went through, I always loved writing its filled with poetry short stories and few diaries.. Your more then welcome to read them." he opened it as glanced through it for a bit

"are you sure Nessa?" he questioned closing the book.

"I'm sure Ronnie I can't explain it any better than it can. And that binder, it's full of pictures that I've taken, pictures I wish people cared to notice.... " he grabbed my hand. 

"Nessa, if this is what you want I'll read these and I'll support you and your dreams" he said looking into my eyes. 

"Thank you ronnie... I would love that" I smiles as we heard the boys enter the bus loudly.

"I'll read these tonight Vanessa, you should get some rest" he pointed to the bed and wiped away some of my left over tears.

"I promise Ronnie I'll be more comfortable telling you about my past if you help me find the words to explain." I whimpered as he kissed my forehead and grabbed my belongings.

"sleep sweetheart" he smiled and left the room.

Ronnie was about to know everything, and I've never felt happier about anyone knowing my past before in my entire life. 

I drifted off to sleep, awaiting the opinion of Ronnie when I awoke.