My Heart Has Lost All Hope

(Vanessa's point of view) 

I felt warmer then usual, as I opened my eyes I realized there was a set of arms around me, I smiled noticing Ronnie's familiar tattoos. 

I tried to face him without waking him, it seemed to work. He had a pair of black  frames on and looked adorable in them, did he need them to read ? Had he read my notebook ? Was this a good sign? 

My stomach had an empty feeling I was gonna be sick. I was scared what Ronnie may do. His eyes shot open when he realized I wasn't there and I saw a panicked look shoot across his face. When he looked up and saw me sitting up in bed he seemed to calm down a noticeable amount. 

"Ronnie, are you ok?" I questioned as he sat up next to me . Squinting because the sun got right in his eyes 

"I'm fine Nessa" he breathed getting up and stretching. Not mentioning a thing about my notebook and binder.

 "I didn't know you seemed worried when you first woke up " I gave him a pouty look and he smiled

"everything's fine Nessa, I read a few things from your notebook last night.." he trailed off as he say next to me and look down at his hands that were sat on his knees . 

"Oh I see..." I gulped and he slid his hand over mine. Still not looking at me

"Vanessa, it hurts me to read that notebook , and the drawings..." I started to feel a pressure on my chest from his words, what could he say?

"I... I had no idea.. But I couldn't bring myself to read anymore last night. I wanted to hear it from you. Those journal installments are haunting and when I read them I get do angry or upset that these things happened to you." he explained looking at me now with a passion in his eyes I've never seen before . 

"it's hard to talk about Ronnie, I'm not a good 'talker' I've always wrote out my feelings... It's the only way I know how."   I said as I looked away from his powerful gaze 

"But I want you to understand I'm here for you and I would never rush you to explain. But I want you to try" he said squeezing my hand. 
 
"ok Ronnie. What do you need to know ?" I asked curious to what bothered him the most

"I read an entry about you wanting rip your heart out... Then I saw the picture of a man holding a girl with glasses similar to the one in your fist picture in your album... And then theirs that picture of you being dragged off the ground" he said gulping and looking forward not at anything particular with a hollow expression on his face .

"Those.. I wrote that the night after my sister died... The photo of the man and the girl. Was my best friend holding her as I made it to the accident, I don't know what possessed me to take that picture... But I had to for some reason. As weird and scary as that seems" I said to him as he breathed in sharply. 

"w..what happened to her. " he asked nervously 

"I got home from class one Day, and she was gone. She was 16 I was 18. She had just gotten her license and I assumed she took her car to a friends house. But after hours go by and I don't hear from her I worry, I called and called. No one answered. I got in my car and went to my best friend Dylan's house." I took a short break to let a few tears fall. 

"on my way I get a call from my sisters phone , she was panicking and crying hysterically. I then heard Dylan take the phone and tell me to get to where they were quickly" I looked down at Ronnie's hand in mine and squeezed it harder.

"I got to an intersection near Dylan's house and there she was, in Dylan's arms lifeless. Him crying helplessly over her. I saw her glasses a few feet from them and that's when I decided to take the picture. Those glasses were iconic to my sister and her and Dylan were my life. She had got hit on her drivers side by a driver who ran the red light... Dylan was on his way to meet her and saw it all. Tried to save her, " I started letting full years fall and I gasped for air as I cried harder

"I was already to late and I lost the only person I loved more then life itself. The camera I used to take that picture, was my sisters favorite thing about me. " I cried as I felt Ronnie bring me to his chest and let my tears fall into him. He stroked my hair. 

"I'm so sorry Nessa." he said cooing me to calm down with his low 'shhhh' from his lips 

"I was never the same... And my best friend was heart broken, he loved her, he could barely look at me after she passed. We grew apart, I lost everything that day. My sanity , my strength, my confidence. I... I looked desperately for a release from the pain" I said shakily through tears into Ronnie's chest. 

"no more Nessa, No more. We can continue this another day I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say." he held me tight until I stopped crying. 

In comfortable silence we both looked at each other in the eyes and smiled. We got up and headed towards our bunks to get clothes for the day. I wiped my eyes on my shirt that now needed washed after having my crying mess on it twice . 

"Here Nessa" he handed me his denim jacket he wore yesterday. 

"Oh Ronnie I couldn't !" I said as he handed it to me 

"I want everyone today to know ill do anything for you, even let you wear my jacket that only band members can wear" he smiled at me as I tried it on. Surprisingly it flattered me , Ronnie was bigger then me but his jacket was tiny and fit me comfortably. 

I grabbed a dark black pair of skinny jeans, and a profit purple tank top. I got dressed quickly in the bathroom before the rest of the boys woke up and needed to use it. My hair was a bit of a mess so I straightened it and kept it down. I applied bright red lipstick and smiled at my reflection. My eye was still purple but my cut way gone and the blood in my eye was a little less now. I was starting to feel better than ever. 

"you look gorgeous" Ronnie explained and kissed my forehead as he took his turn in the bathroom. 

I walked outside the bus to be met with a cool breeze. I lit up a cigarette almost immediately . taking long drags. that conversation shook me to the core, I never told that story before.. 

"Goodmorning Vanessa" Derek said making his way off the bus and standing next to me

" Good morning Derek " I smiled taking another nervous drag of my cigarette.

"how are you this morning , enjoying warped tour so far?" he asked putting his hands in his pockets

"I'm great Derek, and I absolutely love this tour, I'm having a lot of fun, thank you" he smiled as I replied to him 

"well I'm off to explore ill catch you later pretty lady" he smiled and waved as he walked away from me, I took one last drag of my cig and tossed it to the ground putting it out with my shoe. I started to light another one almost immediately. 

"Nessaaaaa" I heard Ronnie sing from behind me as he came over to me stealing my cigarette while using his other arm to lead me where he wanted to go. 

"Ronnieeeee" I sang as I walked with him stealing my cig back from him.

"so Nessa, where to today? We play later today so let's go adventure together" he chuckled and held my hand making our way to the monster truck to get tour water. 

"Ohhh picture time !" Ronnie shrieked as I held my water, he took out his phone and snapped a picture of us together holding up our 'monster tour water' cans and he then set it as his Background. 

"you are so weird sometimes" I laughed as he scrunched his face at me and shook his head no. 

"you speak lies Wolfe" he smiled at me and held my hand. 

Walking around the venue as people started to enter was strange . No one recognized Ronnie right away but when they did you could hear then all whisper about him, a few about me jealously. 

It was strange watching girls envy me as I walked with mr radke. My Ronnie radke. 

Ronnie lead me all over the place until it was time for then to play their set, he smiled wickedly at me making me remover him putting me on the spot last time.

"don't you even think about it" I pointed as he gave me a surprised look 

"why miss Wolfe, I have no idea what your accusing me of " he winked and started to sing 'good girls bad guys' to me and dancing with me

"I've had this question for a. Real long time, I've been a bad boy and its plain to seeeeee" he exaggerated the last word and swung me up off my feet in a hug. 

Your not as plain to see as you claim you are Ronnie... Not by a long shot.