My Heart Has Lost All Hope

We get back to the bus and all the guys were in the living  room area , all their faces lit up when they saw that Ronnie brought me back . Ronnie awkwardly ran his hand through his hair. 

"NESSA!" Jacky glowed ad hugged me . 

"were glad you decided to come back" Derek smiled and hugged me , then ryan and Ron followed suite. 

The bus started to move forward to its next destination, the boys started to all go to their bunks until it was just me and Ronnie left. We sat in silence for a short while , studying each other. Ronnie had a distant unsettling look. 

"Nessa, I can't say it enough I'm so sorry" he broke the awkward silence and was looking me dead in the eyes with the most sincerest look I've ever seen. 

"Ronnie, I can't believe you. I thought ... I thought you maybe had feeling for me, now I'm not sure.." I trailed off and broke our eye contact to stare at my hands in my lap, inter twining my fingers constantly, 

I saw Ronnie's hands go over mine, felt his warmth. I looked up at him, he was angry, or sad ? This look was a look I never wanted to see again, I wanted to cry he looked so upset, 

"Nessa, I never date girls, err.. Dated ? Girls. I always used them. Girls annoy me and they are to much maintenance. But I have NEVER , Nessa NEVER, slept in the same bed as a girl, or brought one on Tour with me. From the minute I saw you I was thinking of excuses to see you and be around you, it's different with you. I do have feeling for you Nessa, don't ever think otherwise." He sweeped my hair out of my face and tucked it behind my ear. Placing his hand on my cheek after he did so. 

"Ronnie... I need some time." he smiled and held my hand again.

"I understand Nessa, I would hate me right now to" he said looking at his arm
 
"I don't hate you Ronnie, I far from hate you. But I don't know if I can handle you losing your mind every time you do heroine. Why Ronnie ? That's the most dangerous thing you could possibly do!" I started to cry, the thought of Ronnie ever doing it upset me and I'm scared because I don't know how to help him but I want to. 

"Nessa, I know you told me so much about you already, but I don't know if your ready for this on top of everything going on right now... " he looked away from me 

"this is why the ace is after you Ronnie isn't it ? " the color from his face drained.

"Yes." he was standing with eyes glazed over and a horrified look in his face. 

I got up from where I was sat in the living room. 

"Ronnie, I want to be with you through all of this. I promise I'm here to stay if you want me" I said as I started to walk away from him, as he stared out of the window.

I made my way to my bunk, I took Ronnie jacket off and set it in his bunk, I took my shorts off to sleep in my underwear and tank top. I crawled into my bunk under the covers and noticed a purple pillow was in my bunk. I smiled knowing Ronnie got it for me. 

I pulled my curtain to have my privacy. I heard Ronnie starting to make his way to the bunks himself. He stopped to climb up to his bunk I suppose but he seemed to hover. 

"I've never wanted anyone before Nessa, and I'm willing to get on my knees and beg for you to be with me through this. Goodnight Nessa, I'm willing to do whatever it take to earn your trust back." he said near the head of my bed. 

I smiled to myself as I listened to him settle down into his bunk. 

"Goodnight Ronniekins" I replied and drifted off to sleep.