My Heart Has Lost All Hope

I lay in my bunk just staring at the ceiling of it. Ronnie's bunk was above mine. I've been up for hours now just staring, thinking about what Ronnie said to me last night. I really wanted to trust him again, but I didn't know how long that would take me. The thought of him that night ... Hurts me to remember it. 

No one was out of their bunks yet. I decided to get up before the bus got crowded with all the guys getting ready at once. 

I threw on my blue leggings and white tank top dress with my leather jacket I had worn the night I was put in the hospital. I went to the bathroom to curl my hair. I noticed my eye was back to normal, just some faded blackening on the outside, no more blood. My lip was no longer swollen and my nose had no more bruising. I felt great. I made my makeup very dramatic, I made dark shadow like eyes with thin eyeliner and put on bright electric blue lipstick. I looked cute.

I grabbed my camera as I left, I needed to get my mind off of everything and my camera was the perfect escape. I had no idea what venue we were at. I just wanted to  see everything through my lens. 

I found myself at we the kings stage just starting to go on . I made my way to the front of the pit. I flashed my pass and made my way in front of the stage. 

I looked up to the stage where Travis clark was standing arms out in the air addressing the crowd. I took as many pictures of his stage presence as I could before I decided to get some crowd shots with the band from the actual stage . I got on stage with my nifty falling in reverse pass and started to see everything a different way. 

Taking pictures on this tour felt amazing. I cant believe I didn't think of it sooner .

"Hey, I haven't seen you over here taking pictures before." I looked out from my lens  and Travis Clark was behind me as I was watching sleeping with sirens perform. 

"oh, I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be a problem." I replied nervously, he let out a laugh. 

"it's perfectly fine sweetheart, I just wanted to know if I could see what you get from our set if you do this often" he smiled at me 

"of course ! I'd be more then happy to get you copies !" I smiled and felt my phone going off. 

"I'm sorry my name is Travis" he said extending his hand to mine as I looked at the screen of my phone. 

"I'm Vanessa"  I took his hand and he smiled

"Your Ronnie's girl?" he questioned with an eyebrow raised.

"I suppose I am " I smiled to myself at the thought of everyone thinking I was 'Ronnie's' property, his girlfriend. Even we didn't know what we were yet

"Well I'll catch you later" he said leaving me to my phone and camera. 

Jacky had texted me, and I decided he could wait, I noticed Kellin Quinn was standing above the crowd now. His hand out holding a girls hand as he sang to her. I got an amazing picture of him screaming into the mic holding her hand as she looked at him as if they were in love. It was a beautiful moment, they put on a great show.

I decided to finally get to my phone after I had my fill of random bands and photo taking. I took it out of my pocket, there were panic texts from Jacky. A couple not so panicked ones from Ryan, and one message from Ronnie. 

- NESSA?! Where are you ?! I woke up and you were no where to be found on the bus ! You didn't leave the tour did you? 
From: jacky(:

- Jacky I'm fine I got up when you were all still asleep, I'm just out watching bands. You will see me later at your set. Promise (: 
To: jacky(: 

I hoped that would ease his mind and make him lay off the crazy texts. I then got to Ryan's text.

- Nessa, hey I'm doing a store run later today do you need anything ? Just let me know (: 
From: Ryan !

- can you pick me up a couple packs of Marlboro menthol milds, root beer gum and a few Arizona green teas? I don't need much (: thank you so much Ryan! 
To: Ryan ! 

I smiled and finally got to Ronnie's text message, was he worried ? 

- I missed you laying next me.... 
From: Ronnie <  3

I didn't reply, just smiled. He was sweet when he wanted to be but I was still angry. He needed time to squirm. I walked by the big, blow up stage schedule and found out where Ronnie and the boys would be playing. I wanted to get as many photos of them all as possible. 

I grippe my camera as I stood behind the massive crowd that had formed for falling in reverse. I was so proud of them, but I was scare to get into this pit with my camera. I went to the front and grabbed a couple security guard and asked them to come with me. They were kind enough to oblige.

"you two, get me mid way through this pit , protect my camera at all costs, I really want to get some amazing photos for my boys" they nodded as I flashed my falling in reverse "family" pass.

Ronnie was just starting to sing "sink or swim" he was in cheetah pants with white pointed poots, his black tank top and his denim jacket I had laid back in his bunk last night.  He was all over the place, I knew the break down was coming soon so I asked the girl in front of me if she wanted to be in a picture.

The girl agreed, I had her make a heart with her hands and hold it up at Ronnie, the rest of the crowd had their hands up as well but as soon as Ronnie screamed "brace for impact!" everyone's hands went down except for the girls and everyone started shoving. I took my picture, you could see the whole crowd and throw her hands makeshift heart you could see Ronnie with his back arched knees bent ad screaming into the microphone. 

I took some more pictures closer to the front but still in the pit with my guards and smiled, I felt right at home in an odd way.... My camera in my hands, capturing amazing moments like these.... I felt at home. Happy, and like I never wanted to be anywhere else. 

I looked up and Ronnie had finally noticed me, he smiled and winked at me, I took a picture of his actions and he smiled again continuing to put on his amazing show.

It has been hours since the set ended and we were all back on the bus. I was in my bunk going through my camera, I had got hundreds of photos, but I was picky. I wanted perfect shots. 

"Nes?" I heard from outside my bunk. I peeked out of the curtain seeing jacky standing there. 

"hey jacky, what's up?" I replied as he nervously played with his hands. 

"Can we talk?" he said even more nervously then the first time . 

"sure ! I was about to go have a cig before bus call anyways. Join me?" I questioned and he nodded. Following behind me as I grabbed my pack and made it outside .

"so what is it you wanted to talk about jacky?" I questioned while lighting the cigarette  hanging from my mouth.

"Don't be offended. But I don't think Ronnie is right for you Nes. He gets out of control and I don't want to see you get hurt..." he broke the gaze he had on me and looked at his feet as I ashes my cigarette. 

"Jacky, me and Ronnie are more alike then you will ever know. I'm not offended but I don't think this is appropriate" I looked at him as a shocked expression formed on his face. 

"I know him Nes ! He does nothing but destroy good relationships, get people hurt and think only about himself, he's my best friend but he isn't the best guy for someone as sweet as you." he looked heartbroken. What was this? 

"Jacky, I know your worried but I know what I'm doing, Ronnie makes me happy and I just want to be happy, what's really bothering you jacky?" I pleaded with him as he awkwardly scratched his shoulder .

"Nes, I ... I care about you, more then I realized until I saw what Ronnie had done to you. I wanted for the first time ever to punch my best friend in the face! But Ryan took care of that, we all care about you, your like our little sister and we don't want to lose you because of ronnie" jacky stumbled on his words, I like Jacky but... I think he liked me more then he's leading on, and I only have eyes for Ronnie. 

I reached out and grabbed Jacky's hand as I took the final drag from my cigarette and tossed it. 

"Jacky, Thank you, but me and Ronnie.... That won't affect my friendship with all of you. Your like the big brother I've never had Jacky and I'm happy your trying to protect me. Your a great friend" I emphasized the word 'friend' it had to be done. I had to friend zone Jacky, I didn't want to hurt him, but there was no one else I wanted more than Ronnie. 

"I'm gonna start calling you little sis" Jacky teased as he gave me a big hug before heading back on the bus. 

I stayed outside to have another cigarette. I heard the door open but didn't look as I felt the familiar warmth of Ronnie's hand on my back. 

"He has a crush on you." Ronnie stated grabbing my cigarette as I rolled my eyes and lit myself another one. 

"well I just set him straight" I replies as Ronnie smiled at me.

"I'm not jealous, I think it's funny. Jacky falls for a new girl every week" he laughed and took a drag

"does he now?" I questioned and Ronnie nodded.

"me and the boys make bets on it, I just won, I knew he'd like you at some point" Ronnie shrugged. 

"Stop it he does not" I laughed as Ronnie made an impression Of jacky. 

We shared a moment of comfortable silence , taking drag after drag of our cigarettes . Mid way through Ronnie broke the silence.

"I saw you today. Taking pictures. You looked so happy Nessa" he looked over to me seeing what my reaction may be.

"I wanted to get my mind off things" I stated , he looked hurt now 

"I'm sorry Nessa...." he looked down at his shoes now then continued to speak 

"I think you should become our photographer Nessa." he said nervously as he tossed his cig 

"Really Ronnie ? what do you mean?" he   Smile at me taking my cig and tossing it for me

"if maybe at the end of this tour you still want to give us a shot, you can become our official photographer, I know it bothers you not paying your own way, even though I think that's silly because it's no problem at all. Anyways, it would be a paying job doing what you obviously love. " he gleamed at me.

"Ronnie I want to earn this..." I said sadly.

"you'll have to, we don't pick out photographers the record label does, we can just get you an interview. Think of the work you do on this tour as your portfolio" he smiled and I lit up and jumped in his arms

"that would be amazing Ronnie ! Thank you !" I smiled down at him as he held me up. 
 
" I just want to make you happy Nessa" he smiled looking up at me. 

"I know ronniekins " I teased 

"Ronniekins?" he questioned raising one eyebrow at me. 

"You gave me a nick name, only fair I give you one" I smiled at him

"Ronnie is already a nickname silly Nessa" he replied

"yea well everyone calls you that. I wanted to be special" I pouted And he kissed my cheek

"for you, I'll be your own personal 'Ronniekins'" he mocked me and made air quotes. 

"haha shut up" I teased and lightly hit his shoulder.

We fell into silence and just stared at the moon until bus call.