My Heart Has Lost All Hope

I put on my just above the knee red, laced dress. It was laced in flowers that you could see in a design on my chest and back, there was a bright red slip that matched to go under it to cover my body, and right above the knee you could see the laced design once more. This was my favorite dress, and the only "Drop Dead" outfit I owned. I grabbed my only dress up pair of black flats with huge flowers on the top near my toes. I curled my hair that matched the color of my dress, put on black lipstick and heavy black eyeliner and grey eye shadow. I smiled at myself in the mirror.

I walked out of the bathroom to meet the gazes of Ryan and Jacky.

"WOW, Nessa.... you look-" Jacky was cut off as Ronnie finished his sentance

"Drop Dead Gorgeous" Ronnie gave me that devilish grin of his, He grabbed my waist and pulled me into a light kiss. Ryan and Jacky finally closed their mouths, and learned how to form full words again.

"Where are you teo going all dressed up?" Ryan questioned eyeing Ronnie.

Ronnie has his hair perfectly straight, some light eyeliner, He wore a tight pair of black jeans with a few chains hanging on the side of his studded belt, along with a button down black dress shirt covering all his tattoos but the ones on his hand and face. He looked sexy as hell I wanted to rip his clothes off.

"Its a surprise" Ronnie grinned to ryand ad he mouthed and 'O' at ronnie then smiled.

"Are you excited Nessa? Ronnie knows how to show a girl a good time" Ryan explained and I just grinned in return.

"Well Were in Vanessas home town, Its only fair we go out." Ronnie explained.

We exited theb us and there was a black taxi waiting for us. Ronnie opened the door for me with a huge smile brimming on his face. It was contagious as I climbed into the Taxi I felt my cheeks get hot, I was nervous. Ronnie promised we would be going on dates more, He wanted to prove I could trust him, and that he knew me better then HE lead on. We will see.

"Where are we going?" I asked as Ronnie grabbed my hand and squeezed with a goofy smile on his face.

"That would ruin the surprise beautiful" He cooed at me as I blushed, We were staring into each others eyes now. Ronnie placed his hand on my cheek, and brought my face closer to his, He kissed my deeply and passionetly, I felt his tongue on my lip wanting access, I let his tongue massage mine for a moment before the kiss was broken.

That was the first time We've ever kissed that I felt fireworks, and I loved every second of it. The taxi came to hault in familiar down town Virginia beach, we were at my favorite restaurant, How did he know? He held out his hand for me as we made out way into The melting pot I smiled, I haven't been here since my eighteenth birthday.

"Hello we have a reservation for two under Radke" Ronnie smiled as the hostess lead us to our seats. We were in a private room with no one else in sight except for our waiter who graciously took our drink orders. Ronnie ordered his favorite, whiskey on the rocks I ordered some wine and smiled as the waiter took my wine menu from me.

"Ronnie how did you know this was my favorite resturant?!" I asked shocked, as he smiled and leaned over the table grabbing both my hands in his.

"I promised you I would get to know you Vanessa, I never lied about wanting to know you, I've been reading your notbook, and I learned a few things on my own." I smiled, He really did care...

"So I havent scared you off yet?" I raised an eyebrow at him as he laughed at me.

"YOU, scare ME off? I thought for sure it would be the other way around" HE laughed as the waiter set down our drinks and asked us if we were ready to order. I smiled and ronnie looked at me.

"Anything you want baby" He smiled smoothly. I told the waiter I wanted a split of cheddar and their special for an appetizer.

"Ronnie you don't scare me, you worry me sometimes" I replied taking a swig of wine.

"I worry you?" HE raised his eyebrow at me.

"I care about you Ronnie, and it hurts to see you slide a needle into your arm almost every night" I trailed off with a sad look on my face, He didn't react.

"I's sorry Vanessa... After I went to prison for it, I craved it every single day I was in there, I vowed to quit but I have never been able to push it away... I don't mean to worry you" He pleaded as the waiter brought us our pot of melted gooey cheese and variety's of breads to dip in it.

I didn't reply, I was starving and dripping with excitement, I started to pig out a little as Ronnie laughed at me and sipped on his whiskey.

"What? I missed this place!" I defended.

"I can tell" He grinned, hiding his laugh once more, and finally joining me in my feast.

We finished our meals over light small talk, I avoided all the burning questions I had for Ronnie, He went to prison? I never knew what for exactly, but I knew. I wish He would quit, but that hypocritical. I do as many drugs as he does. I just wanted to know why Ronnie wasn't a complete mystery to me, but I was dying to know more. I craved Ronnie in my life, I craved his attention, His emotions. I craved to feel his touch and the want he has for me. Ronnie was all about learning about me but I haven't tried to know him like I wanted, That was going to change.

"I have one more surprise for you." ROnnie smiled like an idiot from ear to ear, I couldn't help but laugh at him.

"Your absolutely adorable, Do you know that?" I said to him as I leaned over in the cab that waited for us to finish our meal and kissed the tip of his nose.

"I am not adorable. I am SEXY" He bragged gesturing to him self in a 'have you seen me' joking manner. His arrogance turned me on like nothing else. HE srapped his arm around me and hugged me.

I stared at the window as the familiar Virginia scenery passed by my eyes, We drove down the Virginia beach strip and looked at all the tourists, I couldn't help but smile at all the memories I had here, All the wonderful memories. I used to smoke black and mild's when I was only sixteen and walk up and down the boardwalk with my best friends and get ice cream and sit on the beach being hit on by creepy tourists, it was a blast. But we never stopped.

"We aren't going to the strip?" I asked Ronnie and he just shook his head

"Somewhere better" He replied as I built up with excitement.

The taxi took us to the more dangerous part of town, and I started to figure out exactly where we were going, To others it wasn't better than the boardwalk, But it was to me. we pulled up to the sketchy street I knew all to well, and I told the driver to stop that I knew where we were. Ronnie smiled as I hopped out of the taxi and ran under the underpass that went over this secluded beach no one knew about. I was smiling, as I kicked off my shoes and dipped my toes into the shore. I breathed in the familiar salty air.

"I read that this was your favorite place, and you never understood why. But I think I do" Ronnie explained.

"you do?" I questioned as he hugged me from bwhind and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"Yea, You like that its your secret, that you can find full shells un harmed by the sea on the shore and you can see the sunset perfectly from here." I smiled, Thats exatly what I had wrote in my journal.

"Thats what I wrote" I smiled at him as I kissed his hand that I grabbed and brought up to my face.

"It is, But I also think you like it because your mind escapes here, your not truly alone here, There's the cars all around that drive above you but never know your here, you feel safe, you see the good in a place near one of them most crime ridden sections of Virginia. You find good in everything no matter how bad it is. " He explained to me, I had tears in my eyes, He was completely Right. My tears weren't of hurt they were of happiness that he understood me.

"I wanted to come here because I feel like your the only girl that could possibly see past that bad that is in me, Im not a good person Vanessa, but I can see that you only see the good in me, the good in me I never notice" He turned me to face him and wiped the stray tears from my cheeks, I was smiling at him, He was a good person, and he was right, Its all I saw, I saw past the drugs, the one night stands, the empty look he had when he was high. I saw past it all and Saw the Ronnie Radke I knew was inside. The one that took in a helpless drug addict, the one who cared about a girl he only knew for a day because he had a rocky past. The man who who didn't care about my past .

I pulled Ronnie in for a kiss, His hands on my hips and I felt him smile into my lips. I couldn't help but climb into his arms as he held me up and walked us into the ocean kissing, Not caring about our clothes, Just letting the moon shine down on us and the waves crash against us as we kissed over and over, losing ourselves in each others kiss and the sea that surrounded us.

When we made it back to the bus we were still soak and wet, but that didn't matter, all that mattered was we had each other, we held hands as we made our way back on the bus, the boys were all asleep by time we got in at three AM. Ronnie started to go towards his bunk but I grabbed his hand.

"Are you sure?" He questioned as I lead his to the back room.

"I miss you Ronnie, please just lay with me and hold me tonight" I smiled at him, he pulled me into a long hug, I felt his hair dripping onto my shoulders as he ran his hand through my equally drenched hair.

"Ill Hold on to you forever" He whispered.

I fell asleep for the first time in a week in Ronnie's arms, I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat as I snuggled into the crook of his neck. I never wanted to leave his arms