My Heart Has Lost All Hope

(RONNIES POINT OF VIEW)

I watched Vanessa sleep silently through the night, I was wide awake, and she looked so beautiful in just my shirt as she snuggled into her pillow, I was so happy her eye was fully back to normal, her bruises were secretly taunting me everyday I saw her, it hurt to see her that way.But what just happened tonight hadn't fully hit me yet. Did I just make love to this girl? I've never been so gentle with a girl in my entire life. whats happening to me?

I got up from the bed leaving her there in her slumber, I couldn't lay down anymore I felt slightly nauseous, not because I made love to a girl, and NOT because I liked making love to this girl. A girl as amazing as Vanessa, deserves better than me. I was a monster. I didn't deserve someone like her in my life. Yet here she is...

I tried to shake my un settling thoughts before I did something stupid, But it was to late, I had already started tieing off my arm and inserting the cold needle into my veins. I started to feel normal again as everything slowed down around me and I felt like I was in an ocean. I got up from the living room floor, I thought I heard the bus driver say something to me as I stumbled down the hall. I found my way in the bathroom.

I headed straight to the toilet as I threw up the contents of my stomach into the bowl, It felt like fire, for the first time ever I wanted to take back my high, the world could have it, I've never felt more awful in my entire life. Heave after heave, all I thought about was Vanessa's words. Why heroine Ronnie? Why? she was right, and i could finally see it. But I know me too well, I would never give this demon up that easily. I stopped producing my fire feeling spew of stomach acid. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror.

I looked completely strung out, huge bags under my eyes, my nose was ruby red, I had knotted hair in every direction, and I still have the tie on my arm. why was it still on my arm? why am I in the bathroom? whats going on?

I had already forgotten the toilet bowl incident almost as soon as it began. I quickly remembered it when I looked back to the toilet. Man I need to quit this shit I thought as I made my way back to the room, and I started to remember my train of thought. I felt heavy and slipped back into the bed next to Vanessa. I felt her ice cold skin against my boiling hot body. She felt good, I felt at peace holding her. I breathed in her scent as I rested my face in her hair her back was to me. I loved her hair, it was so soft, and I loved how she always smelled of orange and peppermint. Everything about this girl calmed me in a way I never knew possible. Maybe I did deserve someone like her in my life. Maybe we were meant to get through our addictions together.

why are you addicted Vanessa? you seem stronger than this stuff, You seem stronger than ME.

I had to many thoughts rushing through my mind all at once. One thing was clear to me now, however. I NEEDED this girl in my life, I had to keep Vanessa at all costs... The only consistent thought I ever had anymore was about her, I used to only think about my next high, when, and where I could get it. I shuddered as I felt the nausea overcome me again. I needed to sleep. Was that even possible now?

I gripped Vanessa tighter and slowly drifted off into a very vivid nightmare.

"Ronnie?, Ronnie, wake up ronniekins" I heard a very distant voice squeek to me in the back of my mind, I then felt a coldness on my shoulder, this cold had a pulse I thought as I slowly felt myself coming back to reality, back to gravity, my weightlessness had gone, I didn't feel right, even though this was normal , I opened my eyes to a smiling Vanessa. Oh sweet beautiful, Nessa I smiled at her watching her mouth move but not quite hearing the words, she gave me a puzzled look.

"Ronnie? do you feel ok? You look like a deer caught in headlights" she questioned, I kept giving her my goofy smile as her angelic voice finally registered to my ears and I heard the words leaving her adorable full lips.

"Im ok now that I have you" I replied to her, and sat up in the bed, wobbly at best.

"Don't lie to me Radke" she teased me, trying to hide her scarlet blushing cheeks from me. oh Vanessa I wasn't lying to you at all, I only feel alright when your around me. Even I dont understand it, because your just like me I thought smiling at her hidden face. God this girl was too cute for words.

"I would, and WILL never lie to you again Mrs. Wolfe" I said grabbing her hands that covered her face and kissed her nose.

"Your such a charmer Ronniekins" she giggled loudly as I kissed her neck a few times lightly. oh god, her giggles were enchanting, never stop giggling, please I pleaded with her mentally as I continued my attack of kisses on her beautiful face.

"Ronnie I cant breathe!" she continued to laugh as I stopped and looked at her face, her eyes were shut she was smiling from ear to ear, laughing. I loved that I could do this to someone. I never thought anyone would have a smile like that, for me, because of me

"Lets go get some breakfast hun" she stated as she finally caught her breath from her fit of giggles, I was wrapped around her shoulders hugging her now. She started to stretch and kissed me on my cheek.

"I would rather lay with you all day" I pouted at her, she gave me a heartmelting look.

"Same here Ronnie, but you need to go entertain thousands of fans today" she got off the bed with those words, kissed my lips softly and left me for the small kitchen, I heard all the guys greeting her.

I wanted to lay here forever, I could still feel vanesses light heat from the sheets. I could still smell her on my clothes from last night as I pulled on the same pair of jeans, Nessa had my shirt still on when I made my way to the kitchen, she was making herself some fruity pebbles cereal. that was my favorite cereal too I smiled and took her bowl from her just as she finished making it and ate a few bites as she stared at me in dis belief.

"That was mine!" she gawked at me, mouth agape.

"Well I wanted some" I smirked and handed her back the bowl half full.

"Well make your own!" she laughed running off with her half eaten bowl of cereal into the living room area.

I watched her plop down next to Ryan and jacky, she smiled that contagious smile of hers.

I think I'm falling for you Nessa, and I couldn't be more terrified, and excited at the same time

What are you doing to me talented, funny, beautiful girl?