Accept Me or Except Me

Shit.

It was his fault, I knew it. He liked me; I could see it in his eyes. He’d asked his dad for an excuse to be alone with me just to feel me up. It’s disgusting. I felt a tingle in my pants. I tried getting my mind off him by focusing on my fuck buddy. No girlfriends now, just people to get in my bed. Girls to get in my bed. I thought about the girl who was with me now, and for some reason the tingling stopped. Weird.

I dumped Alice as soon as I figured out I wasn’t working with her. I mean, we weren’t working out… It was Alice, not me. She was too clingy, too puppy-like. She said sexy things, but she pleaded. I didn’t want someone to plead for me, strangely. I wanted to use people who were probably using me. It was best that way.

I grabbed a condom out of my drawer, pre-unwrapped, as she kissed me with so much lust. She wanted me so bad. I let her take my shirt off. I did the same to her and sighed. I was wrong. It wasn’t Alice at all. She had black hair and a beautiful face, but not the best breasts. This girl was ginger, I guess, she had a clear face and bewitching eyes. She was worse than Alice.

I pushed her away. I couldn’t do this. I had a whole list of numbers I’d collected, and this girl was at the top. I apologised and asked her to leave. Why did I need to be such a fuck up? I looked at the list again in disgust. I scrunched it up and threw it in the trash. Having a new girl won’t help the way my stomach’s turning. Turning because Lee looked at me with so much hurt.

Was I feeling guilty? I didn’t feel guilty! Ever. Especially not about faggots like Lee. Having said that… I didn’t even know any more. I thought about what he’ll try and do at the getaway resort. It’s near a big lake and a camping area, but we’re staying in a big lodge, with a few rooms for the book club members and one for Lee and me. I jumped as my phone received a call. It was Joshua, my best friend.

“Hey, what’s –” I started, but Josh interrupted me.

“What’s going on with you, man?”

“Nothing’s going on with me. Why are you so angry all of a sudden!?” I accused.

“Nothing. Except you’re luring girls to your bed and sending them away when you realize it won’t work!”

“What do you mean? I haven’t been luring girls. And how can I not work?”

“First Alice, now Becky –”

‘Her name is Becky,’ I noted in my mind.

“- they’ve both been saying that you stopped them. Afraid of going too far? Where’s the Danny I know? The Danny who knows how to actually have sex –”

“I DO FUCKING KNOW HOW TO HAVE SEX!” I screamed before hanging up.

I knew what he meant, but I couldn’t speak to him about it. It’s called social suicide! Lee did it, and look at where it got him! I sighed, but I didn’t cry. I never cry. I was just confused. I thought about our conversation.

‘Afraid it’s not going to work?’

It’s obvious what he thinks. He thinks I’m gay.

* * *

We arrived at the lodge. Lee looked at me, terrified, as we entered our room together. It had been a week since he first came out. I’d beat him up, worse, twice a day. At least. He didn’t even sit on his bed. I guess he thought I’d think he was being suggestive. I sat on mine, anyway. Only then did he relax a tiny bit, enough so that he could sit down.

I didn’t want to say it, but it hurt when I saw him so upset. I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t crazy. He would run and tell Matt, who everyone thinks is his boyfriend and then I’d be the laughing stock. I’d be beaten up. I’d be the one to suffer. Oh my god, did he really feel like that? That made me want to reassure him more, which made me think of the consequences, which made the whole cycle start up again, making it worse and worse each time it came around.

I suddenly thought he might not tell. He would know, since he’s suffered for a week. He learned to stop flinching and get it over with. All this time I know my feelings have been growing stronger. Feelings? I didn’t know I had…. I didn’t.

No, of course I did. I had feelings, I do have feelings, I just didn’t think it aloud before. I sighed as I saw his beautiful face. I think Josh was right. I hadn’t worked with those girls. Maybe I’ll work with Lee. I needed to know, and we had four whole days to work it out. I’d beat him so bad if he told. He wouldn’t. You never know.

He was playing with his fingers. He was shy, but he still wasn’t flinching. He still looked hurt, but used to hurting. It made me feel sick. I gathered up my courage and sat by him. He was shocked. Then he flinched, but when the hit didn’t come he looked at me, still not daring to speak.

“Lee, I, uh, need to know something…” I started.

“Just ask me then,” he stated. He was confused, but still confident with his statement.

“It’s not something I can ask, I just need you to keep it a secret,” I said. I felt relieved, but still sick. I realised as I said it that it wasn’t a question. I couldn’t put it into words at all. I leaned in closer.

I kissed him. My lips met his and I felt my stomach burst with excitement. It wasn’t painful, it was ticklish. I think I finally understood it when people swore they felt fireworks in their bellies when they kiss someone. He registered what was happening, but didn’t dare pull away. Maybe he thought it was his last chance with someone at all. I mean, he thought everyone hated him. Granted, a lot of people did.

I pulled away, ending the kiss. If the feeling when it happened wasn’t enough, I could feel emptiness inside of me. It was a longing for more. I wanted to jump right back into a kiss, so I did. I knew I had to thank Josh at some point. He was right. I’m gay.