Always Yours

I hadn't moved at all since John sat us down on the sofa after school. I was down all day and Kennedy was worried but I didn't tell him yet. The guys are supposed to be coming over today and I just didn't want to do anything anymore. It felt like my whole world dropped down from under my feet and I was drained. The only thing that made me feel a tiny bit better was John. I was sitting in his lap and he had both of his arms around my waist as my head was in the crook of his neck.

"You have to move sometime," he poked my side. I didn't move or speak, becoming familiar with the routine. I just stared down at my hands and brought my eyes slowly up to his when he pulled me away from him. "I hate seeing you like this, Markie," he whispered, leaning forward to kiss my nose. I didn't say anything again, just blinked and looked back down at my hands as I laid my head back in his neck. He sighed against me, wrapping his arms around me again.

::

I looked at the dark blue fabric on the couch as I faced it and stayed still when I heard voices coming toward the living room. I had been like this since two hours ago and I still didn't move when the voices stopped when they came into the living room.

"She's been like that ever since we got here," John said softly.

Kennedy sighed, "What are we gonna do?"

He received no answer then and I felt the couch move by my side. A hand was placed on my back but I didn't move.

"Markie?" Kennedy whispered. Again, I didn't answer, just stared at the back of the couch. "Markie, please talk to us. We hate seeing you like this."

I turned over toward him on my other side. "Well, this is what happens when I'm sad, Kenny. I'm sorry if you guys don't like it but this is what happens." I stood up then, pushing between the guys who were staring at me and heading toward the stairs toward my room. I slammed the door shut and crawled onto my bed, getting under the covers in the process.

About 30 minutes later, my door opened and closed. I opened my eyes when the bed shifted and the person laid next to me, putting their arm over my waist. I felt lips press to the back of my neck then they snuggled their face into me. I stayed still for about five minutes until I turned over to face John. He smiled reassuringly at me and moved closer. I put my arm over his waist and squeezed him against me.

"Are the guys still here?" I mumbled.

He shook his head, "They're at Kenny's."

"Did they make you come up here to get me," I bit my lip.

"Kinda," he shrugged. I sighed, then let go of him and got up. I grabbed my shoes, tugging them on and I walked downstairs with John right behind me. He took my hand in his when we walked down the sidewalk and up the walkway to Kennedy's door. I knocked softly on it and a second later, he opened it. I bit my lip while Kennedy's eyes found mine and he moved aside to let us in. He shut the door and all of the guys came into the foyer.

I scratched my wrist, feeling uncomfortable with all of their eyes on me, "I need to talk to you guys," I said quietly. Jared nodded and we all moved into the living room. They sat on the couch and the chairs while I sat across from them with John. I shifted under their gazes and John put his arm around my waist.

"I've been acting kind of weird and quiet lately, as you know," I breathed out. "Uh," my voice started to shake, "I found a note the other day." I reached into my back pocket and pulled it out, unfolding it. I had kept it with me ever since that day and it never left my pocket. I handed it over to Garrett and the guys surrounded him to read the note. I looked over at John and he smiled softly at me then leaned forward to kiss my forehead. I faced the boys again and Kennedy was standing straight up with the note in his hand.

"She just left you?" He looked up at me. I nodded at him and he dropped the paper and left the room. I sighed and got up from my spot and followed where Kennedy went. I walked up the stairs and knocked softly on his door before I opened it and stepped in. I sat next to him on his bed and rubbed his back lightly.

"I'm fine Kenny. Really, I am. I mean, at first I wasn't but she's getting better. I'm not saying I forgive her for what she did but she's my mom. I can't not love her." I looked at the side of his face while he had his head in his hands. "Kenny, please say something. I want to know what's going on in your handsome little head," I poked the side of it and he smiled. "Aww, I made Kenny smile."

He laughed and looked over at me, "I'm just worried about how you'll get through this. I know you're 18 and all, but how are you going to pay for that house, Markie?"

"Well, John got his paycheck and I was thinking that maybe you guys could move in? You know, like we always planned," I shrugged.

He nodded, "But what are you going to do when we actually get out there on tour?"

I shrugged again, "I don't know. Work?"

He nodded, "I just think it's fucked up that she left you by yourself."

"She needs to get better."

He sighed then stood to his feet, taking my hand in the process and we walked back downstairs.

"Of course we'll move in with you!" Pat shouted when we got into the living room.

I smiled, "Let me make sure that's actually what I want first."

Pat nodded and I turned to John. "Can you take me home? I'm tired and I want to sleep in tomorrow."

"Yeah," John stood and I hugged Kenny.

"Sweet dreams, Markie. I'll talk to you later," he kissed my forehead, leaving his lips there for a while. I hugged the rest of the guys when Kenny pulled away and I walked out into the dark neighborhood with John. I put my arm around his waist as he did the same to me as we walked.

"Go home tonight, you haven't been to your house in a couple days," I said to John when we reached my porch.

"I can't leave you here alone," his thumb rubbed my cheek.

"I'll call you if I need anything."

"Promise?"

I rolled my eyes and smiled, "Promise."

He smiled at me and leaned down to press his lips against mine. I smiled against him and he kissed me again after he pulled away.

"I don't want to leave," he whined as he put his arms around my shoulders.

"John, I will call you," I laughed.

He nodded and pecked me once more before he watched me walk inside and I waved to him when I got inside. "Make sure all the doors are locked," he called to me.

I rolled my eyes and locked the door when it closed. I did the same with the back door and I shut off all the lights before I went upstairs. I stopped at my mom's door and pushed it open, cringing at the creeking of the door. I felt a lump in my throat when I looked around at the room and my eyebrows came together when I saw something in the corner. I walked over to it and picked up a scrapbook. My eyes watered and I flipped through it, looking at all the happy memories we had and the picture of her and I together made tears slip out of my eyes. I missed her like hell. A sudden wave of frustration and anger washed over me and I abruptly threw the book across the room. Hot tears spilled down my cheeks and I slammed the door shut as I went into the bathroom, tearing my clothes off. I got under the warm water and more tears of frustration came out. Through blurry vision, I stared at the razor in the corner of the small shower. I swallowed, moving to pick it up with a shaky hand. My teeth clenched as I dug it in my wrist and sliced my skin open. I hissed out when I pulled it and all I saw was red over tan skin. I did it again and again, watching more red come fast like a waterfall. After about ten cuts, I stopped myself and dropped the razor on the shower floor. I picked it up, washing it off and setting it back in it's place. I turned the water off, but the red didn't stop. I hurried out of the shower and rummaged through the bottom cabinet for gauze and tape. Once I found it, I wrapped it a little tight around my wrist and taped it to stay. I breathed out and wiped under my eyes as I stared down at my now covered wrist. I got up, taking a towel and drying myself off. I changed and brushed my hair and teeth before I crawled under the covers and looked over at my flashing phone. I opened it and read the text message.

Sleep tight John texted.

I put my phone back down and felt a burning sensation in my wrist. I moved around in my bed until I was comfortable and closed my eyes, ready for sleep.