Love Like a Tidal Wave

You know back when Steve hosted Blue’s Clues and it was an amazing children’s show up until he left and Joey took over? All the kids were heart broken. Or that time when your favorite sitcom or tv show got cancelled and you were left devastated? Well multiply that by one hundred and that’s how I felt after hearing Tony confess to me about his infidelity.

I was motionless. My heart was frozen. I couldn't move. It felt like I was a permanent statue in the middle of a park. I wanted to move but I felt numb. My heart had shattered into a million little pieces. My breathing hitched in and that’s when I started to feel anger. I wanted to raise my weak hand and slap Tony multiple times until I can't feel my hand anymore. I wanted to punch him. Hurt him. Mostly, I wanted to crush every bone in his hands so he won’t be able to play guitar anymore.

I hate him. I fucking hate Tony Perry. He just admitted that he cheated on me. CHEATED. He had been cheating on me. My feelings were right all along. Cara was right!

But If it wasn't with Stephanie, then who did he cheated on me with? That’s what I wanted to know.

Tony continued staring at me, waiting for me to say something, to do something. He kept his guard up because he thought I would react by hitting him but I still felt paralyzed. I couldn't get myself to say or do anything.

My tears had ceased but after a little while, they went back to flooding my face. I wasn’t crying out loud, they just kept coming down without my permission. I was still hugging myself. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want any of this to happen. I should have kept my mouth shut, I shouldn't have said anything. I should have gone straight to bed. I would have been perfectly fine. Well "perfect" wasn't the proper word, more like adequate. I would have been in this mess.

"With who?" I finally had the strength to say something. There was guilt filled in his eyes, in his expression and body language. I just wanted to know who the mistress was or is. Why he even cheated on me and if he still was. That was all that mattered that moment. I know I cheated on him also but that was different. He cheated before me and I wanted to know everything.

"It doesn't matter."

I slapped him hard and unexpectedly on his face. His head was facing the side because of my slap. He slowly faced me again but I slapped him on the other cheek causing him to face the other way. He kept his guard down and that was my opportunity to hit him. I saw both my hand prints on his cheeks. He didn't retaliate. He knew he deserved that. He knew I fucking deserved a legitimate answer after what he did. If he won’t tell me who it was then I won’t tell him what I did. Call me childish but I didn’t give a fuck.

"Who is the other girl, Tony?" I repeated myself, getting angrier each second that he didn't answer me. His head was down in shame. He didn't want to see me cry. He didn't want to see me down. That was always why he walked away or left the house whenever we fought. He might have an aggressive demeanor but he’s just weak and pathetic. He should be a man and see what he has done to me and how he made me feel.

I waited for another five seconds before I slapped him again. I needed an answer before I break down.

"I don't know,” was his answer.

My hand met his cheek again. I knew I was making him mad. I really didn't care if he hit me back. He already hurt me emotionally, why not physically this time? Why not give me a beating until I’m numb? I don’t even want to live in this world anymore.

"I have the right to know." I said, clenching my teeth and hands. I wasn't going to slap him the next time; I was going to punch him. My fist was ready. The nails from my fingers were digging in the palm of my hand but that pain wasn’t important. That pain can’t even compare to the pain that I was feeling at that moment.

"No, you don't."

I punched him on the face. He didn't stop me. He took it. I shoved him away from me with all my force and started crying harder. I wasn’t hurting him because I was hurt, even though that was what I was feeling, but it just angered me that he was being stubborn and not telling me who she was.

"Tony," I begged. "Please. Who is she?"

"Carolina, you don’t want to know."

“Just tell me!” I cried out, pushing him back with every step I took. His back ended up hitting the front door. "LOOK AT ME!" I demanded. He lifted his face a little and took a glimpse of me then back down again. I grabbed his chin and forced him to look at me. “Who did you cheat on me with?” I cried but he didn't answer. He didn't even look me in the eyes.

"Some girl,” was his answer. That earned him another punch. He held on to his jaw while I shoved him back with more strength even though he was already backed up to the door.

This was hell. If I thought I've been through hell with Tony, I was wrong. This was worse than falling down and scraping your knee as a kid, worse than finding out your mother is cheating on your father, worse than breaking anything physical in your body. This was internal pain. Inevitable, excruciating pain that there was no possible way one can overcome with medicine. It's the worse feeling ever and one I never wanted to experience but here I was, crying over a heart break.

"You have to tell me Tony. I need to know." I begged again.

“It’s only going to hurt you.”

“You already hurt me! What difference will it make?!” The silence made me shove him back again and want to punch his face again. “FUCKING TELL ME WHO SHE IS!!”

“IT WAS FEENA OKAY!?” He finally answered me but now I regretted it. I stepped away from him, hurt by what just came out of his mouth. He cheated on me with my best friend, the girl I trusted since I moved out of my dad’s house and into an apartment with, the godmother of my children.

I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest.

“Feena?” I said through my fresh wave of tears that were making their way down my face.

"Carolina, I was stupid. I got drunk one night. We had sex once, it was meaningless sex.”

I shook my head in disappointment. "How long ago was this?"

“Does it really matter when I cheated? I already told you who it was with.”

I gave him a disgusted look. Was he being serious?

“YES!” I shouted while I wiped the tears with the back of my hand. “I have the right to fucking know Tony! She’s my fucking best friend!”

He was hesitating to answer my question. He licked his lips and stared down at the floor. “It was the night when I found you and Mike together.”

I froze again and this time, my heart was pounding in a frantic tempo. The words “REVENGE” appeared in my mind. I shook my head slowly after regaining some strength from my body to move.

“You wanted to even the score and get back at me?”

Once again, he remained quiet. Not moving around, just staring straight down on the floor.

He wanted to get even. He thought revenge was the answer. He thought it would make him the winner of everything like the selfish asshole that he is. “You stoop so low because you wanted to hurt me back?”

“That’s before I found out you and Mike didn’t have sex!” The only courage he had to look at me was only to defend himself yet he didn’t know he sounded like a fucking child.

“Don’t you try to blame this on me!” Yeah I may have cheated on him with Mike but he did it for revenge. Mine was a whole different story. I didn’t do it to get back at him; I just wanted to feel something that Tony wouldn’t give me. Maybe I did sound like a child as well but I was still hurt that Feena never told me after all this time. After asking me why Tony and I were getting divorced and everything. I felt betrayed by the two of the most important people in my life. But then again I shouldn’t even be surprised that he cheated. After all he is the same guy from high school. He never changed. Stephanie made that loud and clear yet I never bothered to listen to her because my heart said not to. Once again my heart was wrong. This wasn't the life I planned. This wasn't the life I wanted. But I ignored my mind and followed my heart....only to lead me to this.

Tony tried grabbing my hands while I went crazy and continued hitting him in the chest. The thought of him and Feena filled me up with agony and rage. He pulled me closer to him while I cried like a baby; cried like if I just had my first heart break.

He wrapped his arms around me but I pulled away from his grip. I didn't want him touching me. His arms already touched another woman’s body, that woman being Feena. His body. His chest. His lips. They belonged to me, not to her or anyone else.

I didn’t want his comfort. I didn’t want him telling me that everything was going to be alright because it wasn’t. We both had sex with each other's best friend. That's not how our relationship was supposed to be or any relationship. We were supposed to trust one another. But this ended up happening.

Now when we have sex in the future, if we ever do, I’m just going to be thinking about them in bed together. Wondering what they did together and how Tony made her feel or what she made Tony feel. I’m going to be wondering if he liked it as much as she did. His arms around her, him touching her. I wanted to know everything. He probably doesn’t love me anymore and that’s why he cheated on me. Or maybe he's been attracted to Feena because of her big ass and boobs? Her body is fucking perfect while I had no curves the way she did.

I started to feel self-conscious about my body now. I started to feel like I wasn't pretty enough for him or my breasts weren't big as he wanted them to be. I didn’t want to feel like that.

Now if I make another mistake again, he'll just do something to hurt me back just to make himself feel better and powerful. I don't want a husband like that. No one deserves a husband like that. And no one deserves a wife like me.

“Are you listening to yourself right now?” I asked him. “You thought revenge was the answer because YOU thought I fucked Mike?”

No reply once again. I turned around while gripping chunks of my hair with my hands. I held my head and walked around, still crying. It’s the most I’ve cried since the day I got raped in Arizona. I can’t fight the pain I’m feeling inside. It’s dreadful. They always said that love is pain and pain is love. But you’re not supposed to hurt the person you love.

Maybe growing old and alone was the best option for me. I wouldn't have to worry about anyone but myself. No husband. No boyfriend. No worrying about getting cheated on or cheating on someone.

But I couldn’t be mad at Tony because I did the same just a few hours ago but I did know what I wanted from this.

“Tony, we don’t belong together.” I walked away from him and went to my room. I grabbed my dufflebag from under my bed and started packing my clothes. MY clothes. I was leaving everything else behind. I didn’t want anything from him. I didn’t want anything to remind me of him. Even if it meant that I have nowhere to sleep, nowhere to eat or nowhere to bathe. It was okay because I’ve always bought my own things. But since they were now filled with memories of him, I wanted everything new.

I couldn’t stay in this relationship with him because all we were going to do is hurt each other more than we already did. I was doing him the favor of leaving. I couldn’t hate him even though I did but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be the hypocrite. We both got ourselves in this mess and the only way to fix it is to get out of this marriage.

“Carolina, please. We can fix this.” He begged, following me to my room but I ignored him and continued packing my clothes, my shoes, my bags and everything I owned. I couldn’t really see because the tears were flooding my sight. I had to wipe my eyes every few seconds to know what I was packing.

“Don’t leave. I’ll leave.” He was still crying and begging. It killed me and made me want to be in his arms again but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to comfort him and accept his apology because I did the same thing. If I told him it was fine, that would make it look like betraying me was okay and that I will always forgive him. I didn’t want him having that power over me or US to have that power over each other. It would only fuck up our relationship even more. I had to escape from this relationship. All the crying and painful emotions weren’t worth it. We didn’t deserve each other. We were never supposed to get married.

He grabbed my arm to stop me but I jerked it away. I didn’t want to look him in the eyes; it would make me feel weak and want to confess about Mike. I love Tony too much and looking at him will make me realize that leaving him would be a mistake when it wasn’t. But of course that was what my heart was saying. You love him too much to leave. You can work this out. NO. I didn’t want to work it out. I didn’t want to fix this. It’s done. It’s over. I want an out on this marriage. We both need that “out.”

“Carolina. What I did was a mistake. I cheated—”

“Tony, don’t do this.” I cried.

“I’ll do whatever it takes for you to not leave me.” He cupped my neck and brought me closer to him. His forehead was on mine, making me look at him. “Please baby, I love you. You’re the only one for me. You’re the love of my life. I won’t ever love another woman like I love you. I promise.” I looked away from him, crying even more. “Look at me, baby. I will always love you no matter what. You’re my soul mate. Forget about Feena, you’re fucking beautiful to me okay? All the other girls don’t mean shit to me. You’re the one I want to live the rest of my life with. Believe me when I say no one else matters. Okay?” I finally looked at his glistening eyes. I thought about how much I love him. I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want him out of my life. I didn’t want it to be over between us but…it’s for the best. Right? I didn’t want my heart to win this time. It would only hurt me and staying in this fucked up relationship will only hurt us. He’ll continue on with the same habits and it’ll cause more problems.

He tried kissing me but I moved my head to the side then looked down. I couldn’t kiss him. I was in deep guilt and I had to tell him. But there were a few things I wanted to know. Things that will hurt me even more but I had to know. I didn’t want to leave without knowing.

“I want to know everything about that night.”

He let loose of his hold on my face and moved his head back. “What?”

“Every single detail. Everything that went through your mind. From the first time you laid your eyes on her to the time you guys finished having sex.”

“Caro—”

“NO.” I grabbed his wrist and threw them away from my face. “You said you’ll do anything. I want to know. Don’t leave anything out.” I crossed my arms under my chest and just stared at him. He just stayed there looking at me, not wanting to tell.

He took advantage of me whenever we were having sex so why not do the same in this situation? If I tell him about Mike, he won’t tell me anything. It’s best if I do it now.

I waited for a moment until I went back to packing but his voice stopped me.

“I dropped you off at home and laid you in bed. I was so anger so I left to the bar to get a few drinks to cool down because I seriously wanted to continue beating up Mike until he was dead. So I bought a few drinks here and there…

~
(Tony)
”Here you go.” The bartender smiled at me and handed me a new drink. I thought she got the wrong person because I was putting my hat back on, getting ready to leave the place and head over to Jaime’s.

“Oh I didn’t order another one. I was just leaving.” I told the bartender.

“I know you didn’t. Someone sent it.”

I arched an eyebrow. For a minute I thought it was a fan that was in the bar and just wanted to send me a drink. “Who?”

“Tu comadre,” Feena came from the side and smiled at me. I forced a smiled back and thanked her. I didn’t want her to know why I was there. I thought you’d probably be the one to tell her the next day or other day.

She patted my back and sat down next to me and—”
~
(Carolina)
“How did she look like?” I wiped my tears away. I had finally stopped crying. I wanted to pay attention to every word that was coming out of his mouth.

“She’s your best friend, you should already know how sh—”

“I want to know what she was wearing! Were her boobs popping out? Did she wear something that made her ass look bigger? Did she look hot?”

“Carol—”

“TELL ME OR ELSE I’M PACKING!” I demanded. He took a moment before talking again.

“She looked hot like she always does okay?!”

Then came down my tears again. He’s been finding her attractive this whole time and that killed me inside. I looked away from him and started crying.

“This is why I don’t want to tell you! I was afraid you’d get emotional!”

“Was I not pretty enough for you?! Was I not too curvy enough to meet your standards?! Did you want me to grow my hair long and get plastic surgery just to satisfy your needs?!”

“I think you’re perfect just the way you are, Lina!” He shouted.

“YOU FUCKED A MODEL TONY!” I threw my arms to the sides. “How do you think that makes me feel!?”

“How was I supposed to know she was a model?! I thought she was a massage therapist!”

“THAT’S HER SIDE JOB! Why do you think she lives in a fucking condo in Beverly Hills?!” I yelled.

“I d—”

“Continue the story!” I shouted, waving at him so he would leave that subject and get back to the story. I walked over to the wall and leaned on it. I stared at the alarm clock at Tone’s night stand and it was almost midnight. We had our last counseling meeting at noon. I didn’t know what the outcome was going to be because once I tell him about Mike he might want to go through with the divorce. He might hurt me and Mike. He was not gonna wanna talk it out because he never does. He thinks violence solves the problem.

~
(Tony)

She came over and sat down on the stool next to me. I didn’t want her to sit down because I didn’t want to talk to her or to anyone. I just went to the bar to get a few drinks and calm myself down.

“Thanks for the drink. But I gotta get going.” I started to get up from the seat but she placed her hand on top of mine, not wanting me to leave.

“Just a few more minutes won’t hurt.” She said. “I haven’t even seen you since New Year’s.”

I sat back down on the stool. I didn’t want to be a dick since I haven’t seen her in weeks or months so I decided to finish my drink then leave. She looked like she was upset about something. Her breath even smelled like vodka.

“How are the kids and Carolina? I haven’t seen her either. She doesn’t return my calls.” She frowned and stirred the red straw on her empty glass of ice.

We talked about our lives, personal things. The drinks kept coming and coming as we found similar things we had going on in our lives. It turned out that Rick was still married to some chick in Dominican Republic and that lady was going crazy over there. That’s why she’s over there right now.

Well by the time I thought it was late, I decided to call it a night. We walked out of the bar together and I walked her to her car since there were guys outside and I didn’t want anything happening to her. We were both drunk and I didn’t know if she’ll be capable of handling herself.

“Well, thanks for the drink again.” I smiled. It was awkward and I didn’t know what else to say. She accidentally tripped forward on her heels and I caught her before she landed on the floor. We both laughed but then our faces were really close to each other and our smiles went away.
~
(Carolina)

“So you kissed her first?” I interrupted him before he continued his story. I just wanted to confirm it because Feena would never be the first to make a move. But then again, she fucked my husband so now I don’t know who to trust.

Tony sat down on our bed, holding his head down between his legs and nodding....