Lost in This Hell

“Isn’t it funny how they can get kicked out of an n Italian restaurant for being too loud?”

Oh shit up, Jimmy. It was not funny, it was embarrassing.

Zacky finally got what he wanted and we left the studio to go eat. Zacky wanted good food so he picked this high class Italian restaurant for lunch. Johnny and Zacky got into a fight about which pasta is better. Like really they are two grown ass men and they have to fight about pasta. I was already getting a headache and when Jimmy started laughing loudly in my head, my headache got worst. Then when we all got kicked out my head was pounding and all I wanted to do was go back to the studio, get my dogs and go to fucking sleep. Oh shit I have to find a motel in the town.

“Or you can just sleep over one of the guys houses.”

Didn’t I tell you to shut up? My head hurts and you’re making it worst.

“Sorry, Sweetheart. I will leave you alone for a while.”

I sighed in relief when Jimmy stopped talking and my head stopped pounding a little less. I lean into Leana’s’ side while we sit in the back. We are in Brian’s car with Matt in the front seat. Johnny and Zacky took Johnny car here but Zacky drove stating that Johnny was too short to see over the wheel. He got slapped by Leana for that comment.

“Are you ok, Sweetie?” I shook my head and closed my eyes. “What’s wrong, Sweetie?” I shook my head again and whimpered when my head started to pound again. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, Sweetie.” I sighed in relaxation when Leana started to play with my hair. My head was starting to hurt less with her playing. “Is it your head, Sweetie?” I carefully nodded my head and curled up into a tighter ball at Leana’s side. “Oh Sweetie.” Leana started to rub my right temple while kissing the other. I was starting to fall asleep when she started to hum A Little Piece Of Heaven.

“Is she okay?” I heard Brian ask while we stopped at a red light.

“Yea it’s just her head.” Leana said softly to him and that was the last thing I heard before the sweet sweet escape of sleep took me in.

“Goodnight, Sweetheart.”



I woke up the next morning to the sun shining brightly threw an open window. I opened my eyes to see I was in a beautiful light blue painted room. I was covered by a soft white blanket and there was an amazing smell of someone cooking. I got outta bed only to see I wasn’t in my sweats and tank top anymore but a man’s basketball shorts and shirt.

Who changed me and where was I?

“Relax Sweetheart; Brian took you to mine and Leana’s house when you fell asleep. And Leana put you into my clothes thinking it would be more comfy for you to sleep in.”

I did as Jimmy said and relaxed. But where are my dogs?

“Here with you but are outside right now.”

I smiled and carefully opened the door and followed my nose to the kitchen. I walked into the big light kitchen and laughed when Leana fell on her ass.

“Hey it’s not funny.” I smiled and helped her up.

“Thank you for bringing me and my dogs here. Oh and for changing me. I won’t be a bother anymore after today. I will find a motel for me and the dogs to stay in.”

Leana waved her hand at me cutting me off.

“Please, Sweetie you are no bother at all. I like taking care of you. It reminds a lot of when I did it for Jimmy when he was alive.” She got some tears in her eyes, so I did the first thing that popped into my head. I pulled her too me and hugged her tightly. She sobbed into my neck while she crushed my body to hers.

“Aw look at my two girls.”

“Jimmy?” Leana’s head snapped up and looked around wildly.

“Jimmy I thought you said only I can hear you?” Leana looks at me weirdly.

“I thought so too, but I guess rules change. I don’t know anymore, Sweetheart.”

“Wait that really is my Jimmy?” I nodded my head to Leana. “Wanna explain to me how we can hear my dead boyfriends’ voice?”

“Jimmy?”

“Go ahead, Sweetheart. Tell her everything.”

I nodded my head and grabbed Leana’s hand after shutting off the cooked food. I drag her into the living room and we sit on the couch.

“Jimmy is my guardian angel. That’s how I can hear him.”

“Why is he your guardian angel?”

“For years I was mentally, physically and emotionally abused by my older twin brothers. When I got into high school the physical pain stopped but that’s it. Once in a while I would get hit by them.”

“Where were your parents?”

“They were there with us. My brothers are my mother’s favorite so they could do no wrong in her eyes. My father always tried to protect me but my brothers got smart. They started to wait till daddy left the room or went to work. They could hurt me if my father wasn’t there and not get into any trouble.
The first time my brother’s actually protected me was when I almost got kid napped when I was 10 years old by one of their friends. That was the last time my brothers held me and told me they loved me. Well they did at my sweet 16 party but I think it was all for show.”

I look over at Leana to see some unshed tears in her eyes. I closed my eyes knowing this is going to be the hardest part to tell.

“The summer I was going into the 7th grade my last grandparent died. My grandmother, my father’s mom, was my only grandparent left. She was my best friend I told her everything. She died from two strokes while she was visiting our family in Florida. My father, brothers and my dad’s youngest brother, my uncle Rob, left July 4th to drive down to Florida. On July 5th I got the call from my brother, Eric that Grandma died. I cried myself to sleep that night and every night leading up to the awake. I walked in the funeral home with my head held up high and my hand in my fathers. I told myself I was going to cry but when we got to the room where my Grandma’s body was in, I broke down. My father had to carry me out into the lobby. I didn’t stop my crying until my cousin Willy sat by me and we shared stories about my Grandmother.”

I stopped to wipe some of my tear before starting again.

“When I got into the 7th grade I was depressed, I started to smoke cigarettes. I would steal them from my father and my other brother, Jojo. In the 8th grade I tried pot but it didn’t help me so I stopped. After pot I start to cut my thighs. I don’t have scars because I never cut deep enough. I only wanted it to hurt. In my Freshman year of high school the fighting of my brothers, with each other and the fighting of my parents. The fighting in general started to really get to me. So I grabbed the sharpest knife in the house placed it on my right wrist, pressed as hard as I can and cut down to my elbow. My father found me bleed out on the bathroom floor. All the fighting stopped once they realized why I did what I did. But it didn’t fully stop.

My brother started to make fun of me. My height, my weight, what clothes I wear, who I hang out with, everything. I started to get even more depressed. But when the band came out with their self-titled album, I got a little better. I listened to every song on that cd 5 to 6 times a day. But the song Lost was the one who affected me the most.”

‘With peace of mind so hard to find
We're dwelling on the drastic signs
Another way to numb our mind
And as you close your eyes tonight and pray for a better life
You’ll see it flying helplessly away’

“That has always kept me going. It made me think that maybe someone out here in this fucked up world understands my pain. That they know what im going through. But when I heard that Jimmy was the one who wrote it, it made me see him in a different light. Jimmy became my hero. I would try to live my life how he would his. It only worked when I was with my friends or with my dad. they were the only ones who saw the real me. I didn’t have to pretend. Well I pretended sometimes. But Jimmy was my hero; I wanted to be just like him. In music class I only played the drums. I took a class in high school for piano and keyboard. I learned how to do what he did. I was good too, I passed with flying colors because of the passion and dedication I put in all of the songs I played.

When Jimmy came into my head more than I week ago I thought I was going crazy. He told me to listen to him and he would help me get everything I ever wanted. he told all I have to do was listen. So I did, I listened to a voice in my head and that was all he was to me, was just a voice in my head. but when I got here he told me he was my guardian angel. I yelled at him for not tell me the truth every time he talked to me. I was mad that I kept thinking that I was going crazy when in reality I was fine. But he left me once I told him to shut up and to leave me alone. I was a mess for almost 3 hours. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I drove to the cemetery. I got to his grave and I apologized to him, begging him to come back to me. He came back in true Jimmy fashion, singing what’s in the bucket. After the song was over I told him I was sorry again. He told me he did it on purpose to meet someone at the grave. When I asked who, Brian showed up. And you know the rest.”

I opened my eyes with tears flowing down my cheeks to see that Leana is like me. She is crying with her hand covering her face. I went to get up and get all of my stuff and leave her forever. She grabs my arm and pulls me back to her.

“My Jimmy saved your life, if before he knew that he was guardian angel. You have been through so much and all you wanted was to be just like my boyfriend and have people love you. You are going to stay with me. I am going to be your family and you have no say in the matter at all.” I laughed a little and hugged Leana. We sat there in each other arms before a blinding light shown through the living room.

We looked towards the light when it dimmed some only to see the transparent ghost of my hero standing there with a smile on his face.

“Jimmy?”

“Well hello ladies.”