A Ballad of Love and Hate

I was dreading the start of the men’s line. Especially now that I would be exclusively working with Ryan.

And being that his schedule was (in a way) more demanding than mine, I would be spending the next two weeks in Florida as he worked with me.

I walked up to his house, per his request he wanted to meet at his house on the first day to have an extremely private place to look at the designs. And my office in Florida was not yet set up.

I knew how to get to his house without needing any direction whatsoever. Sadly, this would always be ingrained in my mind. I removed the key from the rental car and took a deep breath, walking up to his door to ring the doorbell.

Ryan answered the door with no shirt on and in basketball shorts. I rolled my eyes at how he lacked the idea of being a professional.

“Oh don’t act like you don’t like it,” he smirked, taking my portfolio and letting me in.

“And I know you know where the spare key is, no need to be so formal,” Ryan said, setting down my portfolio onto the kitchen table.

“This is business, Ryan, and I want it to be as professional as possible,” I sighed, going into the cabinet and grabbing a glass for water.

“Yes I know, but this is also a relaxed place, Noah. You can't be so on edge about us working together," Ryan said looking at my work.

"Okay then can you please put a shirt on?" I asked.

"Is me being shirtless causing you to be on edge?" He raised his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes and looked away.

Yes, it was indeed causing me to be on edge. He had a hot body and everyone knew it.

Ryan walked away and went to find a shirt. He came back in the kitchen with a cutout shirt that I always hated. I took a sip of water and showed him my spread out designs.

"So these are what I have so far and these are some of the fabrics that I would like to use,” I said, showing him my spread. Ryan picked up the materials and observed.

“You want to do flannel?” He questioned.

“Yes, if you look at this set, I envision flannel with cardigans,” I picked up the sketch and showed him. Ryan nodded and looked at the other sketch.

“Why are you making that face?” I asked. He looked up at me.

“What face?” He asked.

“That face. I know it. It’s when you have something to say but you won’t say it because you don’t want to piss me off, just say it,” I encouraged him.

“Noah, I don’t have anything to say,” he protested.

“Ryan, I dated you for a long time, I know all your little expressions would you just please tell me. A lot is at stake here,” I grew frustrated.

“I just think that flannel has been done and over used, why not just do some sleek long sleeves?” He suggested, hesitantly.

“You really think?” I asked, as I thought about it too.

“Yeah, I mean think about how many lines are doing flannel, what makes your any different? Nothing really, no offense of course but how many lines have just regular long sleeves for men. In like, nice quality,” Ryan explained.

I knew he was right. I also knew I didn’t want to fight him on everything, that I would have to let go of my pride.

Ryan and I spent the morning and into the afternoon drawing and designing new shirts. He helped me pick out fabrics and gave me insights on different colors to use.

We were getting along.

“Okay, I’m starving, can we please get some lunch?” He begged as it got closer to two.

“Can I just do your measurements before we go?” I asked, grabbing the tape and my notebook of model measurements.

“I can just tell you them,” he said, grabbing his keys.

“Will you just let me measure you?” I groaned, he always lacked patience.

Ryan sighed heavily and lifted his arms for me to measure his torso and waist.

I slowly wrapped my tape measure around his chest. He had certainly gotten much bigger since we dated. I could feel all his newly bulging muscles as I measured.

I wanted my fingers to linger for a little while but I didn’t dare let them.

“Measure my wingspan too,” he grinned.

“What happened with wanting to just leave for lunch?” I questioned.

“Just measure it,” he rolled his eyes. I took my measuring tape and had him hold it between two fingers.

My hand ran with the tape across his back, I blushed a little at how warm Ryan felt but tried once again tried to ignore it as I ran my hand across his bare arm.

I couldn’t think about his muscles.

“74 inches long, happy?” I said.

“I already knew that, I just like hearing I’m 74 inches long,” he smirked. I shook my head and wrapped my arms and tape around his waist.

“You’re disgusting,” I said as I wrote his measurements down, I tried to control my thoughts and the way he felt.

“And you think I’m funny still, let’s go,” he said, pulling my arm to follow him outside to his car.

“Where are we going?” I asked. Ryan looked over at me and smiled some more.

“Where do you think?” He asked as he whipped out of the driveway and drove.

A part of me felt like a giggly college girl who was visiting her boyfriend at school. But reality shortly sinks in when I realize my hand isn’t in his or his hand isn’t tracing up my thigh.

Ryan sped along the streets as he pulled into our favorite lunch spot from when we dated.

A small Mexican restaurant only minutes away from UF campus.

“What?” He asked me as I didn’t try to get out of the car.

“Nothing, let’s go,” I smiled, shaking the memories of our previous years together out of my head.

“So, Noah, working with me isn’t so bad now is it?” Ryan asked as he ate the chips and salsa.

“It could be worse,” I admitted, not taking part in the appetizer.

“Yeah, you do have something sexy to look at,” he grinned. I rolled my eyes

“Not professional, I know, I apologize,” he said. I shook my head.

“So, London went well,” I said, taking a drink of my water.

“It did, I could’ve done better though,” he shrugged. I knew he was upset about the last couple races that happened.

Not that I would ever admit I watched his races, I couldn’t let him know that. But also, I couldn’t to this day miss any of his races.

“Well, why didn’t you? You had no distractions, no one holding you back, what happened?” I asked, reminding him a main reason we broke up (on his side at least) was me being in the way.

“Noah, something will always hold me back, and a part of me wonders if you’re suppose to,” he looked me straight in the eyes.

I didn’t know what to say and luckily the waiter came so I didn’t have to respond right away.

“Ryan,” I began but he cut me off.

“You don’t have to give me the talk, Noah, I know our past, I know my faults from four years ago. I’m just saying, you’re always going to be my ‘what if’,” he shared. I began getting a little nervous about where this may go.

“And I don’t want you to answer that, I just wanted you to like, know or whatever,” he stated some more. I smiled and nodded along, ready to change the subject.

We spent the rest of dinner just being present with one another. Ryan told me about his trips and adventures while I filled him in on the last three years of my life, and as the check came, Ryan insisted on paying.

“Come on, it’s the least I can do for making you come all the way to Florida for work,” he insisted. I let it go for now.

After dinner, Ryan insisted that we go get gelato. I was wondering what he was up to. Why he was acting so sweet and kind and not like the flirtatious and full of himself Ryan that he was being just earlier.

Ryan ordered me the cinnamon gelato and we sat by the lake that was on campus.

“So how’s Conor?” I asked, making more conversation as we ate our gelato.

“He’s good. I love having him as my teammate. But you saw him in New York, we’re chillin alot, training a lot,” Ryan shrugged, licking his gelato, I giggle a little.

“You’ve got a little gelato on your nose,” I pointed to my nose to show him where it was.

“Can you get it for me?” He asked, sticking his nose up, motioning for me to help him out.

I didn’t know what came over me. It was probably because of how nice he was being tonight, that he wasn’t being the tool he had become.

I brought my lips to his nose and kissed the gelato. I pulled back and looked at him in the eyes.

“Is it gone?” He questioned.

“No,” I whispered.

Ryan pushed my hair out of my face.

“You don’t even know how beautiful you are,” he whispered on my cheek. I looked down at my bony knees.

“You’re the only one that’s ever told me,” I whispered back.

I crashed my lips onto Ryan’s as hard as I could. I grew tired of pushing the thoughts of his skin on mine out of my mind and I grew tired of trying to push the thoughts out when all I really wanted was to feel him on me again.

Ryan ran his fingers through my hair and I put my hands under his shirt, feeling his abs and swimmers body once more, I moaned into the kiss.

I missed touching him, I missed him touching me.

I missed it all.

“Come on, not here,” he pulled away, breathing heavily. I nodded and followed him back to the car. Ryan sped down the street, stopping quickly to a familiar apartment building.

“He won’t be home for a few more hours,” he whispered as we jumped out of the car.

Ryan pulled out the proper key and swiftly opened the door to Conor’s apartment.

He led me to Conor’s room and slammed me against the door as he kissed my neck and unzipped my dress, allowing it to fall to the ground.

I played with the hem of Ryan’s t-shirt before pulling it over his head to take it off.

Ryan squeezed at my breast, kneading them just as he use to before while kissing every inch of my collar bone.

“Ryan,” I breathed out, enjoying everything he was doing to me.

I wrapped my legs around his waist as he carried me to the bed and gently laid me there. Ryan took off his shorts and briefs and slowly reached my hipbone to remove my underwear as I unclasped my bra myself. Ryan sat and looked at my entire body, He touched my waist lightly and traced his fingers up my side, putting soft kisses onto my stomach all the way back up to my lips.

We were both taking it all in. For now, this is what we both wanted; each other. But when tomorrow came, chances were, we wouldn’t want this again.

Ryan slowly pushed himself inside of me, causing me to moan out his name, begging him to go faster.

I wrapped my arms around his neck as he continued to thrust and threw my head back, hitting the headboard as he pushed deeper and deeper and harder and harder.

“God, Noah,” he moaned out as he went full speed. I cried out, grabbing onto his shoulders, digging my fingernails in as he grunted and thrusted.

Ryan and I hit our climax points together as he slowly rode me out. He soon fell next to me, panting by the workout he just had.

I couldn’t help but breathe out a laugh.

“What?” He asked, looking over at me.

I was about to make a comment about how we had just had sex in Conor’s bed and how we have been in this exact situation before many years back when the door swung open and Conor stood in the doorway.

“Aw man are you guys fucking kidding me?” Conor groaned. He shut his bedroom door and walked away.

Ryan and I both bursted into laughter.

For tonight, I was happy and this time, I felt no shame.