A Ballad of Love and Hate

[Ryan]

I woke up the next morning, in Conor’s bed. With Noah. We were both still undressed from the event that had taken place last night.

I looked over at her as she slept peacefully next to me on her stomach. Her shoulder blades were slightly popping out. I could see that she was once again not taking care of her body properly. Last night showed me that as well. I had to control my feelings of sadness as I took all that she was in.

She was becoming frail.

Was she gorgeous? Absolutely. She always would be. But I was hoping she could see that. And for whatever reason it was, she never seemed to get to that moment.

I kissed her lightly on the shoulder blade before I put on my shorts and went outside to find Conor passed out on his sofa. I grabbed a pillow to throw at his head.

“Well good morning to you too,” he groaned, sitting up. I grinned and gave him a head nod.

“Got any orange juice?” I asked. He glared at me and sat up.

“So one, congratulations, you got Noah to sleep with you but two, in my bed?! Really? Why?!” He complained. I laughed a little at his frustration.

“We were on campus, things got heated up, I needed a place quickly before it got cold,” I explained. I figured Conor of all people would understand.

“ I guess I should only expect to find you and Noah in my bed anytime she’s in town, just like before when you’d get her turned on and need a quick place,” Conor laughed, handing me orange juice.

This was certainly true.

When Noah and I dated, we would often be on campus doing something and when I would get her caught in the moment, we would always come to Conor’s to finish it off as his place was a minute off campus.

“We like to keep you on your toes,” I grinned.

“Whatever, so are you two back together or what?” He asked.

“Nope, we’re just, well, I don’t really know. But not back together, you know how it is. I messed up badly with Noah, she’s not going to just forget about it,” I explained.
“Yeah, that’s true, even your new pumped up body can’t get her to forget all that,” he joked.

But he was right.

I was about to speak up and say that I had a plan to be the best guy in the world around her to get her back into good graces with me and at least go from there but Noah walked in, wearing one of Conor’s shirts.

“Conor, I’m sorry we decided to have sex in your bed, again,” she smiled, grabbing a glass for water and standing next to him.

“If you come out in my clothes, looking like that, I’m half okay with it,” he grinned. I wanted to shove him against the fridge and call him an idiot but I had to practice self control.

I knew that if Noah received compliments like this, she would continue to hurt herself.

But I also knew there was more to it than just beauty.

“Don’t worry, Conor, it won’t be happening again,” she promised him, looking at me and letting me know it was a one time thing.

Again.

“You said that last time,” I reminded her.

“Last time? What? HOLY SHIT! I KNEW YOU TWO DID IT IN NEW YORK,” Conor yelled, looking to get a high five from me until Noah slapped him in the back of the head.

“Conor you idiot, no one can find out,” Noah snapped.

“Why not? Everyone wants y’all back together,” Conor explained. Noah took a sip of water and set down her glass.

“Not everyone,” Noah said looking at me.

“So we should all go out tonight, Conor, invite that girl you’ve been talking about,” I spoke up, changing the subject.

“I was planning on sewing all night, I really want to get as much done as possible,” Noah said to us, looking between me and Conor.

“Noah that is the lamest thing I have ever heard,” Conor said point blank. I nodded in agreement.

“Well it has to get done!” She protested.

“Look, why don’t I take you to the fabric store, take you home and you get as much done as you can. Then tonight, we go out,” I suggested. Noah looked at me and thought about it.

“We really won’t take no for an answer,” Conor chuckled, proving she had no other choice.

“Whatever, let’s go,” Noah went to Conor’s room to get dressed back in her dress she was wearing and borrowed a new shirt from Conor.

I took Noah to the fabric store, pushing a cart full of different fabrics.
I was bored out of my mind.

Finishing up Noah spent over 6 grand on fabrics alone, getting all the best of fabric and a variety of it as well as threads and different color threading she needed. We went back to my house to start sewing. Well, Noah started sewing while I sat and watched her work. She put on an oversized sweater (though it was 90 degrees) and a pair of my shorts (which was hot) to work in.

“Still stealing my clothes,” I smirked at her while she was at the machine. She looked up at me through her glasses and gave me a look.

“I forgot to pack some comfortable wear, this is also your sweater,” she noted. I looked closer and realized it was my cashmere sweater that Noah herself actually made for me.

While Noah sewed, I watched and fell asleep. I really had no part in the actual making process as I had no idea how to sew. Noah finished three shirts when she looked up at me and sighed.

“Okay, I’m remotely satisfied with what I’ve done,” she smiled.

“Should I be like Tim Gunn and check out your stuff?” I asked. She rolled her eyes are me.

“No, but you can be Ryan Lochte and try on the shirts, I made them to your measurements,” she said throwing me one of the grey long sleeves she had made. I took my shirt off and put the freshly made one on. It had three buttons at the neck that I left undone.

Noah pursed her lips and looked at it.

“Do I look bad?” I asked.

“No, you look fine, great even, but it’s one of those shirts that men who aren’t in shape will have to wear an undershirt with. I didn’t want that but it seems that’s the case,” she huffed. Setting down her supplies and cleaning up.

I didn’t really know what to say to her. I looked in the mirror to check myself out.

“I look good,” I grinned, leaving the buttons undone. Noah rolled her eyes and stepped in front of the mirror.

“The color suits blue eyed men like yourself, steel grey is your color. But, button at least one button, I put them there for a reason,” she said, buttoning the last button. I looked down at her and smiled.

“Should I wear this out tonight?” I asked.

“Don’t spill anything on it and I don’t want a girl ripping it off of you, it’s seriously my hard work poured into this,” she said hesitantly.

I shook my head in understanding and went to take a shower as I saw Noah packing her stuff up.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To my rental place, to get ready and finally settle in for the next few weeks finally,” she explained.

“that’s dumb, just stay here, you can have your own room and everything. I promise I won’t bother you,” I said, hoping she’d take me up on my ridiculous offer.

“Ryan, I can’t play house with you,” she laughed at me.

“I’ll be back in two hours to go out, a promise is a promise,” she smiled and walked away.

It felt like she was walking out just as she did when we broke up. I frowned a little and headed to a shower to get ready.

I wore the shirt Noah had made and put on some dark jeans and pointed shoes. I tousled my hair a little bit and sat down, waiting for Noah to come back. I knew she’d be a while. Conor barged in not too much after I was ready and searched for Noah.

“She’s at her place getting ready,” I explained after while. Conor nodded and grabbed my liquor.

“Come on, pre-shots,” he grinned. I rolled my eyes and got up to join him.

“We need to cheers to something,” Conor said.

“Dude, no we don’t, let’s just drink,” I protested.

“No we have to cheers!” Conor was very persistent. I heard the doorknob turn and we both looked up and saw Noah.

The way she looked blew my mind.

There Noah stood, her long hair wavy and flowing down her back. She had on nighttime make-up, giving her a seductive, but not slutty look. She wore a pink laced dress with the bodice having sequins all over it, She wore black pointy heels and smiled at both me and Conor.

“Are you guys in college or what, pre-shots, really?” She laughed coming over to join us.

“Oh don’t act like you don’t want to join,” Conor rolled his eyes. Noah shrugged and sat on the counter.

“Maybe,” she said. I pulled out a shot glass and handed it to her full.

“Alright, cheer to, well, cheers to you Noah,” Conor raised his shot glass and we all took a drink. Noah downed her shot and took a lemon to suck on.

“Come on, let’s go out,” she said, hopping off the counter and walking away. I couldn’t help but stare.

Tonight would be something else.

When we got to the bar, everyone watched as we walked in. Noah sat on the free stool as I hovered behind her. Conor already found a girl of interest.

I was about to ask Noah what she wanted to drink when a guy was already engaging with her.

"Lemon drop," I heard her tell him what her drink of choice was as he ordered for her. She smiled as he engaged in conversation with her and I began to grow insanely jealous.

"So no boyfriend and you're a big fashion designer? Nice," I heard him say. I looked around to find a girl. At the end of the bar I saw a girl slowly sip her drink, looking around I sent her a nod and walked her way, leaving Noah to the tool of choice.

I didn't care what the girls name was. It was something ordinary like Sarah or Anna. I pretended to listen as she talked about her job as a teacher or maybe she was an artist. It didn't matter I just smiled and nodded along. I noticed Noah remained engaged with the same guy.

"-but what about you?" I heard Sarah/Anna ask. I directed my focus to speak

"Swimmer. I'm an athlete," I smiled, her hand met my chest so she could feel it out.

"Very nice," the girl grinned. I smiled and saw Noah continuing to carry on conversation with the bro.

"So, would you like to go back to my place?" I asked this girl as jealousyraged within me. She bit down on her lip and giggled.

I saw Noah looking at me and the girl, she politely excused herself from the bro and made her way to the restroom.

"Why don't you freshen up and I'll go hail a cab," I politely smiled, hoping that the girl could give me some info from the bathroom. She kissed my cheek and sauntered away. I foundConor to let him know I was leaving.

"What about Noah?" He questioned.

"I'm trusting you to watch her back, dont let her do anything wreck less with that guy," I said, showing him the dude at the bar.

"You really think leaving with another girl will win Noah back?" He challenged, i shook my head.

"I really think Noah doesn't want me back," I sighed feeling defeated. She spoke Howe wouldn't work the whole time and showed interest in another guy, I began taking the hint.

The random girl came back from the restroom and we took off to my place.

"Sorry I took so long in the bathroom, a girl apparently couldn't handle her liquor," the girl laughed. She sat on my lap in the cab and began to kiss my neck.

"She was throwing up?" I questioned.

"Yes. But not like everywhere. I asked if she was ok, she said too much too fast and came out of the stall. I gave her a mint and told her to drink water," she shrugged.

I pulled the girl off of me. Had I done that to Noah? Did I really suck that much? I began feeling guilty.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this, driver, can you pull over," I asked as we were only a few blocks away from the bar. I threw him $200 so the girl could get home.

"Ryan what the hell?!" She aske angrily.

I apologized once more and ran back to the bar. Noah may not want me but I didn't care. The thought of her doing this to herself hurt me so hard I couldn't even think of anyone else.

I got back to the bar and saw she was laughing with Conor. I sighed in relief she was at least with him.

Noah put her hand on his arm and smiled. Conor smiled back, resting his hand on her thigh. They both leaned into one another.

As I watched, my world fell apart. Her lips crashed into his and her hands went around his neck.

Fury and pain took over. I made my way to the scene and pulled Conor off of her.

"Ryan, I-" but I didn't want to hear what he had to say.

Instead I punched my best friend swiftly in the face and walked away