But You Still Have All of Me
thirteen.
February 23
I had never felt so incredibly guilty in all my life. And yet, for the few moments that my lips were on Gerard’s, things felt much better than they had since I’d lost Frank- since WE had lost Frank. I knew that if Frank was seeing this all unravel; he’d be laughing in stitches at the two of us. He’d find my total obliviousness hilarious, and he’d be teasing Gerard for taking all these years to tell me. Being angry just wasn’t part of who Frank was. It never had been.
I pulled away, not able to meet Gerard’s eyes at first. I was trying to process everything as fast as I could. I couldn’t deny that I had wanted to kiss him. Maybe I hadn’t consciously realized that beforehand, but I knew it was the truth. Still, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to commit to something new between us. I was scared.
His voice broke through my thoughts. “Look Aiden, I’ve been dreaming about that moment for years, but I didn’t want to pressure you into it.” He took my hands in his own once again, and it was then that I looked up at him, and answered him in a voice so much smaller than I’d meant.
“I wanted to.” I was positive that my tears weren’t making my case very convincing, and I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wanted to.”
“I don’t expect anything of you Aid.” He looked at me apologetically.
“I know.” I bit my lip, holding in more tears.
“I told you, things don’t have to change.” He squeezed my hands reassuringly.
“Maybe, but I think they just did.” I looked down again. “I’m not sure what that means just yet though. Is that okay?”
“Of course it is.” I was pulled into his embrace, just for a moment before I heard Lily stir. I tensed immediately hearing her quiet noises, as if I’d just been caught doing something I shouldn’t.
I listened for a moment longer, and when she was clearly asleep again I let out the breath I’d apparently been holding.
Gerard let out a quiet laugh, running his thumb over the back of my hand. “Are you okay?”
I let out a bit of a laugh myself, realizing I was acting pretty ridiculous. “I think so. I guess I just need to process it all.” I smiled up at him, already feeling better about the situation.
“If you want some space I understand. I can stay away for a bit if that’s what you need.” He let go of one hand, and scratched at the back of his neck.
I contemplated this for only a second, because there was really no question about it. The last thing I wanted was space from him. I shook my head in response. “I don’t think that would do any good.” I moved in closer, putting my arms around his middle and resting my head against his chest. I felt his arms settle around my shoulders effortlessly. I’d sworn to myself that I’d never care for anyone the way I’d cared for Frankie, I didn’t think it was possible. It was in this moment that I knew I was probably wrong.
I had never felt so incredibly guilty in all my life. And yet, for the few moments that my lips were on Gerard’s, things felt much better than they had since I’d lost Frank- since WE had lost Frank. I knew that if Frank was seeing this all unravel; he’d be laughing in stitches at the two of us. He’d find my total obliviousness hilarious, and he’d be teasing Gerard for taking all these years to tell me. Being angry just wasn’t part of who Frank was. It never had been.
I pulled away, not able to meet Gerard’s eyes at first. I was trying to process everything as fast as I could. I couldn’t deny that I had wanted to kiss him. Maybe I hadn’t consciously realized that beforehand, but I knew it was the truth. Still, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to commit to something new between us. I was scared.
His voice broke through my thoughts. “Look Aiden, I’ve been dreaming about that moment for years, but I didn’t want to pressure you into it.” He took my hands in his own once again, and it was then that I looked up at him, and answered him in a voice so much smaller than I’d meant.
“I wanted to.” I was positive that my tears weren’t making my case very convincing, and I took a few deep breaths to try and calm myself. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t wanted to.”
“I don’t expect anything of you Aid.” He looked at me apologetically.
“I know.” I bit my lip, holding in more tears.
“I told you, things don’t have to change.” He squeezed my hands reassuringly.
“Maybe, but I think they just did.” I looked down again. “I’m not sure what that means just yet though. Is that okay?”
“Of course it is.” I was pulled into his embrace, just for a moment before I heard Lily stir. I tensed immediately hearing her quiet noises, as if I’d just been caught doing something I shouldn’t.
I listened for a moment longer, and when she was clearly asleep again I let out the breath I’d apparently been holding.
Gerard let out a quiet laugh, running his thumb over the back of my hand. “Are you okay?”
I let out a bit of a laugh myself, realizing I was acting pretty ridiculous. “I think so. I guess I just need to process it all.” I smiled up at him, already feeling better about the situation.
“If you want some space I understand. I can stay away for a bit if that’s what you need.” He let go of one hand, and scratched at the back of his neck.
I contemplated this for only a second, because there was really no question about it. The last thing I wanted was space from him. I shook my head in response. “I don’t think that would do any good.” I moved in closer, putting my arms around his middle and resting my head against his chest. I felt his arms settle around my shoulders effortlessly. I’d sworn to myself that I’d never care for anyone the way I’d cared for Frankie, I didn’t think it was possible. It was in this moment that I knew I was probably wrong.