Write It Down

Jack closed his eyes as he picked up the phone and began dialing his boyfriend’s number. At least, he hoped he was still his boyfriend.

”Hello?” Jack finally heard Alex answer his phone after what felt like hours.
Jack paused as he tried to breathe. He needed to talk to Alex, and tell him what’s going on. But shit. He was so damn scared. “Jack? Jack?!” He could hear the anxiousness in his boyfriend’s voice as he spoke, trying to get him to speak.

“A-Alex?” Jack’s eyes were already starting to water. He hadn’t heard the older boy’s voice in so long. It felt almost soothing, yet he knew that feeling wouldn’t last long. “Can.. Can you come over?” Jack sniffed.

“What? Yeah. I’m on my way.” Alex paused. “Are you okay, Jack? What’s going on?” Jack couldn’t tell him over the phone.

“I’ll explain everything once you’re here.” Jack let out a silent sob as he heard the other boy rustling around for his keys, putting his jacket on, and heading out the door. “P-Please hurry..”

Jack hung up the phone and began waiting.

And, by the time Alex got there, he had almost talked himself out of it. Telling him almost seemed criminal. He would either leave him, or it would break his heart, and Jack wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he broke Alex’s heart. So, when Alex came storming into the house he laid his head down on the floor, and curled back up into the fetal position he had found so familiar.

“Jack?!” Alex immediately closed the door and ran to Jack, picking his head up and laying it lightly in his lap. “Jack.. Talk to me..” Alex knew from the phone conversation they had that this wasn’t going to be good news.

Here it was. The moment where Jack would tell him he didn’t want to be with him anymore. That their relationship was over.
But, when Alex looked down at the boy’s face, he could tell it was something more.
His boyfriend was literally curled up in a ball so tight Alex didn’t think he could force him to straighten himself. His eyes were puffy, and his cheeks were soaked with tears.
He couldn’t be this upset over telling Alex it was over. No. It was more than that.

“Jack.. Oh my God..” Alex just leaned down and started hugging his boyfriend, and he just kept crying. Alex felt his shirt beginning to be soaked with tears as he just held his boyfriend tight into his stomach and let him cry. This was more serious than he could have ever imagined. His boyfriend was literally crumbling in his hands.

When Jack finally collected himself enough to actually stand up, he reached for the back of the couch and began raising himself off of his boyfriend.

Alex looked at him questioningly as he walked around to the couch, still clutching his stomach. “Jack? Are you going to tell me what’s wrong? I’m scared shitless, here..” Alex stood up as well, and took a seat next to his now shaking boyfriend.
Jack just shook his head as he leaned his head back. “Please tell me, Jacko..” Alex took his hand and ran it through his boyfriend’s silky black hair. Jack looked at him as he sat up and put his hands on his knees.
Alex put his hand on Jack’s cheek and pulled his face towards his, until their noses were lightly touching and they could feel each other’s breaths colliding with their own.
Their lips barely touched before Jack was pulling away.

“I can’t let you kiss me! I-I’m tainted..” Jack put his face deep into the palms of his hands before looking back up at the confused man next to him. “A-Alex, there’s something I need to tell you..” He said as he looked away, obviously ashamed of the news he was about to share.

Alex nodded his head, giving silent permission for Jack to continue. “I went to the doctor last week. I was having almost unbearable abdominal pain, and I thought maybe I was overreacting.. b-but..” He stopped as his he felt his throat close up and the words began to catch in his throat.

“Jack—Tell me.” Alex urged him on. What if he had to have surgery, and that’s why he hasn’t been contacting him lately?

“Alex,” Jack paused, closing his eyes and holding tight to Alex’s hand. “Alex, I have pancreatic cancer..”

And that’s when it stopped.
The world stopped for Alex Gaskarth in that moment as the realization sunk in that his boyfriend had cancer.

“Jack..” Alex squeezed back even harder as he felt the breath being knocked out of him. He tried to take in the breaths slowly to regain himself.

“I have a year at the most, Alex.” Jack said, his eyes still closed. “I went to my first radiation today. And, they started me on chemotherapy. I-I’m going to lose my hair. And I’m going to get thinner, you won’t want to even look at me..” He cried. “I’m turning into a zombie, Alex..”

Alex looked at his boyfriend. For the first time since he got there he really saw him. He was sick, he could see that now. His eyes were hollow, without any color. And his skin was obviously sickly. His body was under attack; dying. And there was nothing Alex could do. Nothing.

“Jack..” Alex couldn’t even speak. What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to say? His boyfriend has cancer.

“Are you still my boyfriend, Alex?” Alex nodded in response. “Do you love me?”

That was a question Alex couldn’t answer. Everything was over. Jack was dying, their relationship was dying with it. Each day as Jack would get more sick, their relationship would come closer to ending. How was Alex supposed to love someone when their time was running so short?

“Jack, you know I can’t answer that.” Alex knew what the answer was but he wasn’t going to give into it. No, this wasn’t fair. He wasn’t going to let himself fall in love with someone that was dying.
Its not even fair…

All the emails, the letters, the cute little notes. All of it was over. It was ending.
“Write it down, Alex.” Jack whispered, clutching Alex’s hair in both of his hands, praying he wouldn’t make him let go.

“No. NO, Jack, that’s all over now.” Alex spoke quietly as he let Jack kiss his neck gently.

“Then say.. Just say it.” Jack breathed into his neck.
Alex looked at Jack deep into the sea of his brown eyes.

And, without a second thought, knowing it would crush the man that stood in front of him, he said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jack looked at him with cold eyes.
“You know what I’m talking about.. I-I need you Alex..”

“What the fuck am I supposed to do when you die, Jack?!” Alex raised his voice, standing up and looking down on his boyfriend. “It’s not FAIR. How am I supposed to just fall in love with you and you leave me?” His words became more broken at the end as they started to become tainted with tears.

Jack didn’t even know what to say. He just stared at the ground as the realization that Alex was right, sunk in. Alex wouldn’t love Jack before the cancer. No, if he would at all, he would love him during the cancer.

“Jack… You’re so much more to me than just a guy I met. Or a guy I’m dating,” Alex started, crouching down on his knees and grabbing both of Jack’s hands. “You’re special. Soo, special to me.”

“But you can’t love a guy with cancer.” Jack finished for him.

“Jack..” Alex sighed as he looked down at his knees. “Jack, I..” He paused again, trying to put this into words as he began to look from the outside, in.

He was starting to see the ‘bigger picture’ as he looked around the room at the pictures jack had messily placed on shelves and bookcases.

Jack had a life before the cancer, and for a short amount of time Alex was a part of that life.
Why would Alex want to leave? Especially when Jack needed someone there with him through his last days of life here on Earth.

“You know what?” Jack asked. “I knew. I knew I shouldn’t have expected love from you. Not this soon. Not under these circumstances.” Jack began standing.

But Alex stopped him. “I love you, Jack.” Alex felt the walls he had built up when Jack told him his news tear down.

Jack turned around when he said the words. The words he never thought he would hear escape the boy’s lips. “You love me?” He asked, still holding on to his hand.

“I love you, Jack Barakat.” Alex stood up and pulled Jack closer to his body. “You’re not going to be alone. I’ll be right here,” He put his hand on top of Jack’s heart. “Till the very end.”

His last words hit them both right into their souls.

’Till the very end…