Write It Down

“Are you nervous?” Alex asked as he grabbed his boyfriend’s hand and helped him out of the car. It has been a week since Jack informed him of his impending disease, and Alex decided he was going to be the one to drive Jack to his second doctor’s appointment.

He wanted to be there. He wanted to be there every step of the way. He decided a few hours after he found out that this wasn’t just a normal relationship any more. He decided that he had to be strong enough for the both of them now. Strong enough to take care of Jack; strong enough to take care of himself.
Because yeah, he had to admit it was going to be hard watching Jack crumble and break right in front of him. It was going to be so fucking hard.

Alex did love Jack, he really did. And even though it took him finding out Jack was dying to actually admit it, it didn’t make it any less true. Alex Gaskarth loved Jack Barakat. And that would always be a true statement. Always.

Even as the cancer ate away at Jack’s insides, slowly suffocating the life out of him and destroying the body Alex craved ever so often, they would still remain just the way they are now; together.

But, then there was Alex’s job offer. Atlanta. What is he supposed to tell them? ”No sir, I’d rather stay here and work for this ignorant advice column for the rest of my life.”

He would just have to tell them the truth. He lost his heart to a losing battle. And he wasn’t willing to fight to get it back.

“Terrified.” Jack answered. Alex almost didn’t hear him, but he did nonetheless.

“I’m here, okay?” Alex tried to give Jack a reassuring smile, but it faded as soon as he looked into his boyfriend’s eyes. Noticing how broken and short-lived they looked. He grabbed his hand though, squeezing tight to let Jack know he was there.

He took in the feeling of their hands pressed together, not wanting to forget how it feels. Not ever because soon, there would be none to hold on to.

Alex didn’t want to think about that anymore, however, so he pushed that thought to the back of his mind, walking Jack in through to automatic doors of the hospital.
Jack noticed the way Alex was looking at him however.

Jack didn’t want to be looked at that way; the pain in Alex’s eyes shone brightly.
That’s the last thing he wanted; to hurt Alex.

But it seemed almost inevitable now.
Jack had to leave one day.

He had to leave.

---

“Are you experiencing any pain at all?” The doctor asked Jack as he came in with the medicine, in order to start Jack’s second dose of Chemo.
Jack, of course, wanted the answer to be no. But that would be false. He had been experiencing pain. His entire fucking body hurt. Not just his abdomen anymore. No, it was everywhere.

When he told the doctor this he smiled. “Any pain outside of the abdominal area, as of right now, is purely your imagination. Once one is diagnosed they tend to over-think their condition, giving them ‘fake pains.’” This made Jack feel a little better. “However, it may spread. Which is what we’re trying to prevent; the reason for your scans every week.” Alex, who was sitting in a chair next to the examination table Jack was seated on, reached up and rubbed his back gently, giving him a reassuring smile.

“Now Jack,” The doctor went on, giving Jack a remorseful expression. “As we have discussed before, and I am only mentioning this for Mr. Gaskarth’s benefit, but as the treatments progress, as will the pain and other side effects” He paused and looked at Alex. “He’s going to be in a lot of pain in the next few weeks, the pain will eventually subside as his body gets used to the therapy, but before that his skin will blister immensely and his hair will thin quickly. He’s going to need you.”

That statement hit Alex right in the heart. Jack was going to need him, and that scared the shit out of him. What if he didn’t know how to be a good boyfriend to a cancer patient? He wanted to be everything Jack needed but its hard when he doesn’t even know what he needs…

Alex just simply nodded, letting the doctor know he would try his best.

The M.D. then proceeded to inject Jack with his medicine. Jack winced in pain as he felt the stinging sensation of the medicine squeeze into his veins.
Alex winced back with him.

This wasn’t supposed to be happening.

Not to his Jack, his reader, his fan, his write-it, his new-found love and boyfriend.

It wasn’t his time.

Alex felt his eyes fill with tears and the doctor pulled the needle out of Jack’s skin and placed the bandage over it.
Like that bandage was really going to help anything. Jack was DYING from CANCER. Germs have no power over the cancerous cells eating his boyfriend from the inside out.

No power.

They were powerless.

---

Three weeks had passed since then. Their first doctor’s appointment together. And yes, the doctor was right. Jack was hurting. And it all happened so quickly, as predicted.
His body had turned from a pale ivory tone to a blistering red, with welps of pure cancer popping up all over his chest and back, making it almost impossible to relax.

And this was just the beginning.

Alex was curled up next to Jack, careful not to touch him too roughly. Sometimes the blisters hurt Jack so bad he had to just stand up in the shower without any part of his body touching another, the cold water on low so it wouldn’t beat into his skin too hard.
They both hated the effects of the treatment. But Jack knew what he was getting into when he agreed to combine both the radiation and the chemo. He knew.

Some days weren’t so bad, however. Some days the blisters were barely even noticeable. Those were their favorite days. They spent those days cuddling and talking, laughing and watching movies.

Alex looked at Jack as he lay flat on his back, staring straight at the ceiling above him. He looked as his chest rose and fell in perfect time.
Alex was still soo attracted to Jack… Soo attracted to him; in every way…

He looked at his shirtless chest, and even though it had obvious signs of illness, Alex still found it to be the sexiest, most beautiful body he had ever laid eyes on.

I guess this is what being in love feels like.. Alex thought as he continued to bask in the beauty of his boyfriend. Never thinking they’re anything less than perfect… He smiled as he brushed Jack’s fringe out of his face. He hadn’t lost much hair yet, and Alex was grateful for that in the fact that he knew it would just make Jack feel worse about himself. He is still so perfect…

Alex wanted to kiss his boyfriend so bad. Their intimacy was little to none, and he was okay with that, because he knew how Jack was feeling, he knew it would make the pain worse. But, he still had the desire to feel his boyfriend’s body on his…

He continued looking at Jack. Observing every part of him; his observations only making him crave his body more.
It was almost too sinful to want Jack so badly when he knew he was in so much pain, but he couldn’t help it. He needed him.

Jack looked over at Alex after a few more minutes of his intent staring. His eyebrows knitted together as he grabbed Alex’s hand and squeezed tightly, his thumb making circles against the skin nearest his wrist.
And, as if he were reading Alex’s mind, he looked over at his boyfriend and sighed, “I don’t want to die a virgin, Alex..”

This took Alex completely by surprise. He didn’t know exactly how to respond in a way that wouldn’t make him sound too eager, or disrespectful. He knew how he wanted to respond, but his mind just couldn’t take Jack right there on that bed in his condition, without his consent.

So he opted for the easier approach, “What?” He asked.

Jack just looked back up at the ceiling, nervously avoiding Alex’s eyes as he answered, “I’m just saying,” he started quietly. “I wouldn’t say no if things were getting heavy between us. If you ever wanted them to get heavy, that is.” He laughed weakly. Alex could tell just talking about it made him nervous.
Recently Alex was falling in love with those laughs, however. They were so rare.

Alex pulled Jack gently closer to him, careful not to be too rough on his blistered skin. “Jack, just say the word and I’m yours..” Alex breathed, their lips almost close enough to touch, for each other’s breath on the other’s skin.

“I’ve been laying here thinking about it,” Jack said, his body was getting ansy and he figured out a way to put his thoughts into words. “And, I would want nothing more than for you to be the first and last man I ever make love to..” Jack’s stomach was in knots. He and Alex spoke about everything.
But not this.
The closest Jack had ever even gotten with anyone was feeling a girl inside her pants, and he ruined that. But he knew this would be different. Because this was Alex.
And Alex was different.

“I’d love to be that for you..” Alex whispered into Jack’s neck. God, he had never wanted anything more in his life, and here Jack was, practically giving it to him…

“I love you, Alex..” Jack said, right before he slammed his lips onto his boyfriends.
They both wanted it; right in that moment. But, the cancer stopped them and Jack writhed back in pain, feeling his body tense as the blisters began to throb once again.

Alex quickly grabbed his arms to stop him from rubbing his skin in a failed attempt to stop the pain. “Shhh-shhh, Jack it’s okay, I’m here…” Alex wanted the intimacy, oh so badly. But he wanted Jack’s pain to end even more. He picked his face up and forced him to look into his eyes. “I love you too, okay? And we’ll get there. One day we’re going to give ourselves to each other. Wholly. I want it to be now, but we both know you need your body to adjust to the chemo first. Then I can have you. Forever, you’ll be mine. Forever we’ll be right here. You’ll just be gone for a while, that’s all.”

Jack felt his body crumbling in that moment. This was so much more than just dying. He was leaving… “But I want to stay here with you!” He sobbed.

“Sh, baby I know..” Alex softly cradled Jack’s hurting body in his arms, trying to keep his tears hidden from Jack. There was nothing he could do, and that killed him… “I know..”

They lay there, slotted together, for hours. Alex stared deep into Jack’s eyes as he watched him drift to sleep.

He looked over at the clock and noticed it was almost midnight and he had work tomorrow. This reminded him of the article he almost wrote, the terrible job he had, and the job offer he got extended.

Those were the last of the things he wanted to think about as he rose out of Jack’s bed, looking down at his sleeping boyfriend and smiling. Alex emphasized in his head once more how the cancer couldn’t steal his perfection.

He picked up a pen and a piece of paper and wrote down a message for Jack, placing it on the pillow next to him.

Sleep magically, my sweet love. I’ll dream of us and forever, tonight.
I love you always,
Alex.