Thank You

The hangover that greeted Jessica the next morning was unfortunate. She sat up, slowly, and looked around the van to survey who was awake and who was still in dreamland.

“Morning,” Austin greeted as soon as he felt her head leave his shoulder.

“Hey,” she replied, kicking the covers off of her lap. “Where are we?”

“Well,” he looked out of the window and shrugged his shoulders a little. “Not too sure. I think Illinois?”

“Ooooooh. Chicago?” she asked. He looked at her again and nodded. “Sweet action! I’ve always wanted to go. Wanna explore with me when we get there?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Can you two shut up?” Trey asked from the back, kicking the seat for emphasis. Jessica laughed softly and focused on the scenery rolling by out of the window. She was itching to get out of the car and light up a cigarette, take a shower, anything to get her mind off how bad she had been screwing up, especially with Austin. She knew that he was catching on, but she was in too deep. She had never been more disappointed with herself, yet she had no desire to stop. She already knew it would be hard, just like it was the last time she got clean. To feel a pill slide down her throat, a needle in her skin, the feeling that came with the mind numbing darkness that she found each night, those were things that she needed. Sometimes she felt like those were the only things she needed.

“Jessica?” Austin tried again, waving his hand in front of her face.

“Huh?”

“We’re here,” he repeated, cocking his eyebrow and looking at her with that look that he kept giving her lately. That concerned, worried look. She nodded and grabbed her bag, waiting for Austin to step out of the van so that she could climb out and stretch.

“When do you want to go explore?” he asked, lighting up a cigarette. She grabbed her bag and threw it over her shoulder, stealing the cigarette out of his mouth.

“After I shower,” she answered, sticking the cigarette in her mouth and walking towards the venue

“Bring your camera,” he yelled out after her.

//\\//\\//\\

They were in downtown Chicago, going in and out of random little shops, joking and laughing, something Jessica was relieved about. It reassured her that she hadn’t screwed up with Austin as bad as she thought.

“So, fix things with Taylor?” she asked, trying on a ridiculous looking hat. Austin laughed at her and leaned back against the wall.

“No. After I hung up on her yesterday afternoon, she’s ignored all of my calls. I tried to call her before I went to bed last night, to make sure we were okay, but she’s apparently still mad at me. I’m just giving her time.”

“Don’t give her too much time,” she said, taking the hat off and placing it on his head. “Now don’t you look adorable,” she cooed, popping the lens cap off of her camera and snapping a quick photo before he could object. He grinned and grabbed the hat, placing it back on the rack and leading Jessica out of the store.

“What do you mean?”

“About what?”

“When you said, ‘Don’t give her too much time.’ What did you mean by that?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “Girls are usually really fickle about things like this. Timing is everything, or something like that,” she shrugged.

He pulled out his phone and thumbed through his contacts, landing on her name. “Go ahead,” Jessica said, encouraging him. “I’m just going to go use the restroom.”

He nodded and placed the phone to his ear as she went in search of a restroom or anywhere that she could be alone. As soon as she found an empty alleyway, she dug around in her bag for her pills. She pulled the bottle out and cursed out loud as one pill fell out. They were gone; this was her last one. She took a deep breath and tried not panic. She dug deeper into her bag, into one of the hidden zipper pockets and pulled out a vial. It had been in there for over a year, untouched. She knew if she opened it, there would be no going back, just like there wasn’t last time. She twisted it between her fingers, thinking about it. She shook her head and shoved it back into her bag, trying to push it into the back of her mind. She didn’t want to get that far gone again. It had almost cost her her life once. One pill would have to do for now.

“What are you doing?” She jumped as she heard his voice boom down the alleyway.

“Shit, Austin. You can’t just sneak up on me like that.”

“I thought you had to use the restroom?”

“Oh. Yeah. I did, I just,” she shrugged. “Wanted to take pictures?” She was amazed at how easily the lie rolled off of her tongue.

“Of an empty alley?” he cocked his eyebrow and leaned against the wall. “Looks pretty sketchy to me.”

“There’s beauty in everything,” she smiled at him. “How’d it go with Taylor?”

“Still won’t answer.”

“I’m sorry, buddy.” She said, clapping his shoulder with her hand as she passed him, throwing her camera over her shoulder.

He followed her and stuffed his hands into the pocket of his jacket. “I just want to tell her that I am sorry, but she won’t even let me do that. Sending it in a text would be fucking lame, so I’m just kind of stuck in limbo.”

“You need a drink to take your mind off of it,” she stated, grabbing his hand and tugging him in the direction of a bar they had passed earlier.

“Jessica, it’s 11 am. I don’t need a drink.”

“Of course you do. You’ve had a bad past few days. Drinks on me.”

He tugged back on her hand, causing her to stop walking. “Well, I guess now is a good time to have this talk.”

“What talk?” she questioned, tugging her hand out of his reach.

“I am going to ask one more time and I want you to be honest.”

She groaned and crossed her arms.

“What is going on with you? It’s 11 am and you want to get drunk. You have been wasted every single day since we left Savannah. I’m not even going to be nice and tell you that you look tired anymore. You look like complete ass.”

“Like ass?”

“Like ass. I just want to know what’s going on.”

“I’m just-”

“Don’t you dare say tired. You sleep more than any person I have ever met. And I don’t mean you sleep, I mean you pass out and enter this state of deadness where nobody can wake you up. The guys and I have made a game out of it.”

“You what?” she scoffed.

“Yeah, whoever can even get you to stir, wins. It rarely ever happens.”

“Am I just the entertainment for your cross-country road trip?”

“Aren’t you? Besides today, when was the last time you even touched your camera? For someone who is pretty certain that’s what they want to do for the rest of their life, you certainly pushed that one on the backburner. Isn’t that why you’re going to Seattle with us?”

“Can we not talk about that right now, Austin? People are starting to look.”

“I don’t care. If we don’t talk about this now, we never will.”

“Perfect,” she spat out. “You don’t just ambush someone IN PUBLIC and talk about shit like this, Austin. Just because you’re having problems with your girlfriend, that doesn’t mean you get to drag me down with you.”

“Look at yourself! How could I possibly drag you down anymore?”

She went quiet, staring blankly at Austin for what felt like minutes. He knew that he took it too far. He watched her jaw tick and if it was possible, he was sure smoke would be coming out of her ears. He rushed his hand through his hair and stared at the ground.

“Ugh, I didn’t mean that,” he started, trying to backtrack, but she wouldn’t allow it.

“Yes you did,” she sighed and pulled her bag closer to her body.

“I just want to know what’s going on. I care about you.” He finally looked at her and wished she would open up to him.

“Look, I just need to get to Seattle. You are my ride.”

“That’s all I am to you?”

“Right now, in this moment, yes. Friends don’t tell friends that they look like ass,” she scoffed.

“Yes, they do. I’m not going to apologize for caring, Jess. I’ve gotten to know you pretty well over the past few weeks, but I still feel like there is this whole other side of you that you are hiding from me.“

“There is,” she shrugged. “But I need you to stop trying to pry into my life. It’s mine, not yours. I’m not some girl that you were forced into protecting, Austin. I’m 23 years old and I have been fine on my own for some time, so just stay out of it.”

“You’re not fine.”

“Stay out of it,” she tried one more time, her eyes pleading for him to listen. “Please.”

He shot his hands into the air and then dropped them, cursing under his breath. He turned and pulled his phone out of his pocket, walking away from her. He was done trying. He wasn’t going to kill himself trying to help someone who was convinced that they didn’t have a problem. He was going to try to fix things with someone who wanted him in their life.

She watched him walk away, her fists clenched and her body tense. She was never used to someone keeping that close of an eye of her since she lived with her parents. In college, nobody really paid attention to what she did and she liked it that way. The effects of her last pill had worn off with her rage and she was out of options. She needed it. She ducked back into the alley and pulled the vial out, dipping her pinky into the white powder. It had been so long and she knew that once the cocaine hit her bloodstream, she would be under its spell again. It looked so white and pure, sitting on her pinky, but she knew what it was capable of. She remembered how it ruined her life last time. Mixed with the heroin she was shooting, her life spiraled downward so fast and she ended up in the hospital before she realized what she was doing to her body. She shook her head and scraped the cocaine back into the vial, letting out a sob as she slid down the wall. She rested her head on her hand as the tears fell. They felt foreign sliding down her cheeks. She couldn’t remember the last time she allowed herself to cry. Taking a deep breath, Jessica took reached into her bag and pulled out her phone. She turned it on for the first time since she had been on tour. She hadn’t even told her parents that she was leaving. She was supposed to move back in with them but that was the last thing she wanted. She watched as the number of texts piled up as well as the number of missed calls. She inhaled and dialed her voicemail, slowly letting the air that she built up in her lungs escape.

“Hey honey, it’s mom. Where are you? Your dad and I came to take you out to breakfast before we left for Birmingham, but you aren’t home. Your car is in the parking lot, so we know you couldn’t have gone far. We’ll wait for you. Love you.”

She instantly felt guilty for leaving without calling them. She wondered how long they waited for her. She waited for the next one to start.

“Honey, we’re getting really worried. Where are you? We have to leave soon. Your father has to go back to work tomorrow. We just want to know you’re okay. Call me back, please.”

“Jessica May Clark, where are you? Why do we even pay for you to have a phone if you never answer it?”

“Jessica, this really isn’t funny anymore. We’re leaving, but don’t think this is over. We expect to see you next week. You are still moving back in with us, aren’t you?”

She sighed and pulled the phone away from her ear, staring at it. She didn’t want to hear anymore. She knew she was a screw up and she felt bad enough. She turned her phone back off and shoved it deep into her bag, down where it couldn’t taunt her.

She stood up and started the trek back to the venue. She wasn’t in the mood to face anyone, but Austin was right. They would be in Seattle in a few days and she needed to get some more shots to show Lena. She needed to start taking this seriously. Austin had already done so much for her and she felt terrible for talking to him like she did. He was just trying to be there for her and she kept pushing him away.

“I’m just going to go up to him and apologize,” she voiced out loud, nodding to herself.

“Hey Joel, have you seen Austin?” she called over her shoulder as she pushed the door to the dressing room open.

“No don’t,” Joel shouted, but it was too late. When she opened the door, she really wished she hadn’t.

“Oh, I’m really sorry. I should have knocked.”

Austin grinned as he stood up, pulling the girl he was previously kissing off of the couch.

“Jessica, this is Taylor. Taylor, Jessica.”

“It’s.. it’s really nice to meet you,” Jessica voiced, looking the petite brunette over.

“You too,” Taylor smiled.

“I’ll catch up with you later,” Jessica informed Austin and then backtracked out of the door. She didn’t know why, but hearing about Taylor had never bugged her. The idea of Taylor had never bugged her, until this very moment. She felt a pit in the bottom of her stomach, something that didn’t sit well. Actually seeing Austin with her made her feel violently ill and she had no idea why. Maybe it was the fact that she hadn’t had someone care for her in a long time, and even if she didn’t want that, it was still nice that someone took the time and effort on her. This was something she didn’t need right now. Feelings. She dug around in her bag and pulled out the vial. Before she could even think about it, she dipped her pinky and snorted it, the familiar feeling rushing around her.

Just like that, she was back in her old world. It felt oddly comforting. She recapped the vial and put back into the pocket. If only her parents could see her now.