To Be Alone With You

“Ken! I left my capo upstairs,” Jared complained, from under a pile of electric equipment. “Can you go get it?”

We were at band practice, about to play the same songs over and over a million times until they sounded just right. It was like a ritual by then; every Saturday we would congregate at John’s and hash out all kinks in the chords. It was my favorite part of the week but it was also the worst – spending hours in hot rooms with the boys, listening to the same five notes over and over.

“Where’s John? Can’t he go grab it? It’s in his room.”

“Get your lazy ass off the couch, Brock,” Jared ordered teasingly. Both his arms and Garrett’s were wrapped around an enormous speaker, attempting to move it across the room. “Can’t you see we’re a little busy here?”

I groaned with excessive exaggeration, pushing myself up off the couch and trudging up the stairs. I hadn’t done anything all day, the least I could do was help out this way. Still, I wondered where John had gotten off to – he’d disappeared from set up completely without any word at all.

As I rounded the corner to his room, I heard a voice coming from inside. The door was cracked just slightly, allowing me just a sliver of view. I came to a halt, peering in just slightly with one curious eye. I could see John sitting on his bed with his back to me, shoulders hunched, the fabric of his white t-shirt stretched across. He had his phone pressed to his ear, talking softly into it – just loudly enough for me to hear.

“Josselyn, please,” he murmured, the slight waver of tears tingeing his voice. “I know you know what day it is today. It’s been six months since you left. And I haven’t heard from you since. Do you know how crazy that drives me?”

There was a pause, and for a moment I thought he was going to look back and catch me listening in. I held my breath as though he could hear it from so far away. I knew I should walk away, but the minute I heard her name I had to know more.

He sighed sharply. “I just want to talk to you. I just want to hear your voice and make everything right. I’m so fucking mad at you, but I know that if you were to come back we could fix this.”

There was a long pause. I wondered if she was there on the other line, the voice I’d imagined a thousand times speaking back to him so sweetly.

“I love you Josselyn. You’ll always be my everything. I’d give anything to be with you again, to be alone with you, just you and me. Please, call me back.”

He hung up the phone, snapping it shut and pressing his face into his hands. I felt dirty, like I’d heard something that wasn’t intended for anyone’s ears – perhaps not even Josselyn’s. Before he could realize I was there, I scurried away, making up some excuse to the guys about why I couldn’t find the capo. I never told anyone about that day. I never would.

And as the days, months, and years passed, I knew that moment was a moment of weakness. Because after that, I only saw that once more. When it came to Josselyn, John was a man of steely hatred. And he vowed to maintain that hatred until he was dead in his grave. At least, when he was around us.



“Thanks for letting me crash with you Kennedy,” she mumbled quietly, dropping her duffel bag onto the couch and promptly plopping down next to it. “I’m sorry it was so short notice. I really appreciate it.”

The last phone call I expected to get from Josselyn Stevens was her telling me that she was coming to town and that she needed a place to stay. I’d imagined us reuniting about a thousand times in my mind, but never once did I imagine this scenario. Her voice on the phone, wavering with sobs, begging me to come get her at the airport, her voice in the car trying to explain to me everything that had happened; none of it seemed to be quite real.

“No, honestly it’s fine,” I replied, hurrying into the house before her, trying to tidy up the messes I’d left behind. “You’re always welcome here, you know that.”

What I’d really imagined was her calling me and telling me she changed her mind. She would whisper in sweet, harmonic tones that she really did want to be with me, and that somehow we would make it work no matter what. That was the stuff I laid in bed at night and thought about, her dark red lips the only thing I could think about – the way they felt on mine. But I couldn’t let her know that, at least not yet.

After tossing a selection of beer bottles laying around the dining room into the garbage and straightening up a few framed pictures, I glanced back to her on the couch. Though her eyes were red and puffy, she looked so beautiful it hurt. She laughed a little bit through the pain, shaking her head at me.

“You don’t have to try and clean up for me,” she insisted softly, leaning onto her duffel. “I know the kind of company you must entertain. Must be nice, having so many friends.”

I sat down next to her on the couch, leaving just enough space between us to keep her comfortable. “What do you mean?”

She sighed wistfully, tucking her knees up underneath her chin. “In New York, it was just me and Charlotte. I had so many friends here and at ASU, but I left them all behind when I moved away.”

There was a silence between us as she nodded to herself. I saw the glimmer of tears in her eyes catching the light from the lamp above us and wanted nothing more than to brush them away and tell her it was going to be okay. But this was a golden opportunity, the girl of my dreams had come back to me, and I needed to make it count.

“Now I’m left wondering what it all was for. Probably for nothing.”

“Josselyn, it wasn’t all for nothing,” I tried to comfort, placing my hand on her arm. Her eyes flicked down to where our skin touched before returning to my face, making me feel self-conscious of my actions. “Rick is an asshole. He’s worse than an asshole. He’s the scum of the Earth, you and I both know that. The minute your PR firm gets a hold of him, you can have your job back.”

She nodded to herself, one solidary tear trickling down her cheek. She quickly flicked it away with the tips of her long fingers, not wanting to appear weak. All I wanted was to wrap her up in my arms and tell her it was all going to be okay, but I knew I couldn’t. I needed to keep my distance until just the right moment.

“I just feel so ashamed,” she mumbled. “So stupid. This is all so stupid.”

“It’s not your fault,” I tried.

“Kennedy, there’s no way you’re ever going to understand this,” she mumbled, pressing her face onto her knees. “You’ve never been reduced to absolutely nothing by the one man who could have given you everything.”

Again we were quiet, this time for longer. There was nothing I could say to make her feel better, not for a while anyway. She was still lost in the shell-shock of losing everything she had, of losing the best thing in her life, the thing she was the best at. I knew without a doubt in my mind she would find another job. It was only a matter of time before another publication snatched her up and made her a star. But for the time being, there was no telling her that. Not for a while.

“Are you sure you don’t want to call your mom or something?” I offered. “Let her know you’re in town.”

“No!” Josselyn snapped sharply, standing up from the couch. “I’ve told you a thousand times, I can’t call her! I absolutely can’t call her! Don’t you realize how humiliating this is? How ashamed I am?”

I sat stunned. Her eyes drilled into me, white hot with anger and frustration. “I went to New York to be a successful journalist. And now I’ve been reduced to feeling like a cheap office whore. No one else can know.”

Despite the fact that she was yelling at me furiously, I couldn’t help but feel a little glimmer of excitement in the pit of my stomach. Josselyn only wanted to share this with me, this would be mine and mine alone to help her through. This would be my chance to show her just how good a man could be, just how well she could be treated.

“Besides, I haven’t talked to her since I left,” she muttered, casting her gaze to the ground. “I don’t know if she’d want to talk to me anyway.”

“Josselyn,” I begged. “Josselyn, come back.”

She returned to the couch, curling up into my side. “I’m sorry,” she sighed, wrapping her arms tightly around her knees. “I didn’t mean to yell. I just don’t even know which way is up anymore.”

“It’s okay, really,” I replied, pushing the hair back from her face. “Really, it’s fine.”

“Thank you for letting me stay with you. I really can’t stay anywhere else.”

I didn’t say anything for a moment, trying to formulate the words in the most simple and kind way I could phrase them. Her gaze was cast downward, looking far away from anything in that room.

“Do you really not have anyone left in Tempe? Not even your friends from high school?”

“Not a soul I can tell, Ken, not a soul who would care to know,” she murmured. “I only have you.”

At that moment, she glanced up to me, her eyes locking onto mine. Looking into those blue eyes, I lost any sense of control I once had. My lips pressed against hers longingly, hungry for another taste. She stiffened in surprise, only to melt into the kiss a moment later, her hand coming to my shoulder. But only moments later she pulled away, her eyes wide with shock.

I struggled to find the right words to explain myself, to explain how much I really liked her and how much I wanted to make things work. The only way I seemed to be able to find was with my lips on hers, whispering my thoughts with lingering kisses. I went back for more but she pulled away again, leaving me with only my fumbling, bumbling words.

“Not all guys are creeps, Josselyn,” I tried to explain, moving my hand onto hers. “You know I’ll always treat you right. You know I’m always here for you, always will be.”

She was quiet. The air between us was thick enough that I struggled to breathe, simply wanting to hear her tell me she wanted me too.

Instead, she said, “Can we get something to eat please? I’m starving.”

My hopes a little dashed, I halfheartedly nodded. If it was going to take baby steps, I would walk by her side the whole way. But in the end, I would make her mine. I had to.

“Yeah,” I replied. “I’ll take you out. The best we can do is Olive Garden; there’s not much else here in Tempe.”

She let out a chuckle. “Of course. Olive Garden sounds great.”