I Don't Wanna Feel a Thing Anymore.

7 Days Ago

Things were rough. To say the least.

I talked to endless police. As did Beau and Valerie. Vic had been shot. It was suspected to be gang activity.

Today was the funeral. I didn’t know how I was supposed to function. Beau and Valerie had organized it quickly.

I couldn’t stop thinking of the last message. I had hidden it from the police because that message was mine. It was the last thing I had left of Vic. I couldn’t even think his name without wanting to scream.

I sat on my bed motionlessly. I couldn’t make myself get dressed. Beau knocked on the door, opening it before I said anything. I wouldn’t really speak anyway. He sat down next to me.

“Do you know what you’re going to say?” He asked, putting his arm around me. I nodded, picking up the paper next to me and handing it to him. He scanned it quickly. “That’s beautiful.” He murmured, giving it back to me. He stood up. “Get dressed, we’re leaving in half an hour.” I just nodded.

I put on my suit and tie, looking at my disgusting reflection. I was nothing without him.

“I’ll meet you someday.” I whispered to myself. I knew he could hear me. How long would ‘someday’ be? Not long. I wiped my tears half-heartedly and picked up my handwritten speech. I couldn’t look at myself again. I couldn’t look at the bed. I couldn’t look at anything without thinking of him. I was going to go insane.

We got to the funeral early. It was going to be small. Fifteen of us. I would speak and Mike would speak. That’s all.

The funeral started at eleven in the morning. I sat in between Jaime and Mike. Jaime clutched my hand. He was hit hard by this as well.

Mike spoke first.

“I love my brother more than anything. I still do. He was an amazing man. Hard working, genuine, amazingly talented. He loved Kellin with all of his heart. All of his fucking heart. He will never be forgotten. The dead are living.” He began to cry as he uttered the haunting last words. His speech was short. To the point. We clapped. I was crying again.

I got up to speak. I took a shaky breath. I had my words memorized.

“Vic was my soul mate. He was my second half. He pulled me from the darkest time of my life, and made me new again. Finding him was a gift, because without him, I would be long gone. He was caring, musical, friendly, hilarious, beautiful, and all around perfect. There will never be someone as amazing as him. The last thing he ever told me was that he loved me. I couldn’t have asked for a better last memory of him. We will never forget Vic. Think of him in love, think of his smile, his music, his kindness. Think of him in life and happiness, not death.” My voice cracked at the end. I lifted my head to the sky and said, “I love you.” Before completely losing it. That was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do.

Everyone was crying. I scanned the crowd. Mike, Jaime, Tony, Val, Beau, Frenchi, Jessica, 2 guys from work, and a few guys from pick up soccer. Two things surprised me. One, Vic’s parents weren’t here. I didn’t know why. I hadn’t spoken to them. The second thing was that there was a man I had never seen before. He looked a lot like Mike.

The priest said a few more words before the reception. Afterwards, we all stood in somber silence. The boy I didn’t recognize walked up to Mike and hugged him. They were both crying. I went over to them.

“Oh, hi Kellin.” Mike said, giving me a hug. “How are you?” He whispered. I shrugged. “Um, this is Christian, our brother.” Oh. Christian kind of waved at me.

“Hi.” He said. I gave him a slight smile before walking away. I wonder when he had gotten out of prison. I heard Mike explaining that I hadn’t spoken much since Vic’s death.

Vic’s death.

Vic is dead.

The thought hit me like an avalanche. Dead. Gone. Not coming back. How was I supposed to go on? I ran out of the church, not sure where I was going, but not looking back.