Heart Attacks Waiting to Happen

“So what do we talk about?” Oli asked when we were sitting in the back of the bus staring at eachother.

“Look I know somewhere in that head of yours you have questions and thoughts that need to be out. We are alone. There is no one to interrupt with their opinions so spill it Oli. I am mature enough to hear it.” I said shakily.

“Muse who was that guy… that told me all that?” he asked slowly.

“His name is Mark. I dated him a while ago and I dumped him because he… tried to force himself on me. Until today I haven’t talked to him in a couple of years. I guess he has been keeping an eye on me which really freaks me out.”

“He said that you were easy… and that if I didn’t watch out I would lose you really quick.”

“He lied.”

“About which part?”

“Both. He has hated me ever since I left him and has tried to screw up my life majorly.”

“So I am not going to lose you because I am not rushing things?”

“Exactly. Am I going to lose you?”

“No… I am sorry I have been weird.”

“It’s okay really.” I sighed and leaned my head against the wall. “I used to be a major interview junkie and when I actually met you one kept sticking in my mind. You had just split with a girl and were obviously pissed and hurt and you said that the thing you hated about this business is that you were surrounded by a ton of fake people that were there to use you. I met you and realized that while you can be a major asshole you are still a real person and I want to be… I don’t want you to ever think that I will just be another one of them. Oli I love ya and earlier I was dead afraid that I would lose you because of him. I thought you were angry at me. Well I knew you were but…” I said and trailed off not daring to actually look at him.

“Hey I wasn’t angry at you.” He said softly and pulled me closer to him. I laid my head on his shoulder and put my arms around his waist. “I just… a tiny bit more is going on than just the jerk off guy. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

“What is up Oli?” I asked and looked up at his chin. He took a deep breath before sighing and looking down at me. There was a sad look in his eyes that pulled at my heart.

“I’m quitting the coke and ecstasy and all that… not pot. I need that or I’m a mess.” He said and swallowed hard. “I just don’t want you to see me like that. I want to be better for you and trust me I have gone to the ends of the earth trying to keep you away from it. It just gets to me sometimes ‘cause I still want it and it makes me mean and sick and I really don’t mean to take it out on you.” I looked at him for a while realizing that he really had done just that. I hadnt even seen a joint and I knew that they were partiers. I felt tears sting my eyes and buried my face in his neck as they spilt down my cheeks. “Hey don’t do that. I don’t want you to cry. I-I thought that it was a good thing.” He said sounding so confused and tightened his arms around me.

“No it is.” I said quickly. “Thank you. I… no one has ever cared about me enough to drop that stuff… not even my own dad.”

“I have never cared about anyone enough. What happened with your dad?” he said quietly and kissed the top of my head.

“He was on a strange mixed drug called… meow? I dunno really even though I should. He got really violent and then we… lost him. I don’t know where he is but I do know that he cared more about the drug than his own daughter and that is my strongest memory of him. He walked out the door and never came back.” I said thickly and Oli pulled me onto his lap. He slowly rocked me back and forth and rubbed slow circles on my back. “Anything else you want to know about me Mr. Sykes?”

“Hmmm.” the small sound vibrated from his chest as he thought. “Do you have any tattoos?”

“Nope.”

“Do you want them? And Why?” he asked.

“I want a sleeve of the ocean and stuff in it on my left arm and jungle stuff on my right arm. I want something to do with every band that has influenced me on my waist and maybe a tattered set of wings. On my right leg I want a ball python coiling all of the way up and I want music notes in my ears… Is that to much?” I asked after I listed everything. “I just like the color… oh and I want an old fashioned black and white rose on the back of my neck.”

“That is a lot of tatts.” He laughed.

“Coming from the guy that is almost one big walking tattoo on feet?” I giggled. “I don’t know I think it is a way of expressing myself… at least it aint all barbwire and bleedin hearts.”

“Why the black and white rose?” he asked and I froze a little bit.

“When I um ran away and Ben found me… after lecturing me like a little old woman he told me that he knew no one could be as lost as I am and not have lost someone.” I said quietly and traced the tattoos on his arm. “A couple of years ago I lost my best friend in the entire world. She loved roses.”

“How did you lose her?”

“She was having problems with her mom and dad and then her girlfriend was raped and killed herself and then she fallowed suit. It was on November 19 and that was the first time I tried to kill myself because I felt like I had lost my entire life. I hate her parents for hurting her. I hate the man that raped Cecily. I used to think she was to weak that she should’ve known that she had people to help her. I hate myself because I couldn’t help either of my best friends.” I said and drew in a shaky breath.

“That was the day before my”

“Birthday.” I finished. “She adored you.” I said with a small smile. “I went to a talent show and a kid that I sort of knew sang Suicide Season. He was really good and he knew what I was feeling because Cecily had been his sister. He did the whole thing crying and looking at me. We got close after that and then he was deployed to Afghanistan and I lost him to but by a road side bombing. That was the second time I tried. I want to get the tattered wings for him. For Cecily I want to get a daisy or something… but Alex and Jesse are the most important tattoos to me. The third time I tried to commit suicide was on their birthday. They were twins.”

“Are you still lost?” he asked me quietly.

“Yeah but I’m finding my way back.”

“What is your favorite tattoo on me?” he asked turning to a lighter subject.

“I didn’t know that they were separate.” I snickered. “Um I like the rose.” I said and leaned up to press my lips to the center of the rose.

“You do? Most people don’t really like it ‘cause it is on my neck and all.” He laughed.

“Hmm it makes your face pop. Very few people can pull off a neck tattoo placed there.”

“Do I?” he asked. I put my arms around his neck and kissed the tattoo sucking on it softly and heard him groan. I laughed and worked my way up to his lips and bit his lower lip and drug my teeth across the sensitive skin. He groaned and flipped pushed me off his lap so he could straddle my legs and deepen the kiss. His hands were going up my shirt when Jona ran onto the bus screaming and hollering.