Somewhere in Neverland

Last night is a drunken blur on the boys’ bus and I wake up in an unfamiliar bunk with a group of smiling faces standing over me.

“Holy fuck, why do you continue to let this happen?” I ask, pulling the comforter over my face and roll over with a groan.

Jack, Rian, Zack, and Matt take that as an invitation to hop into the bed and harass me until I flick the blanket off my face and curse their perkiness with a roll of my eyes. They’re surprisingly full of life despite the long night of drinking behind us.

“You two fucked,” Jack grins and I want to smack him.

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock,” I say, nudging them off the bed with my legs. “Why do you keep letting this happen?”

Jack gives me this look like I’m supposed to already know – and I do – for the most part, at least. He’s always been the biggest fan of me and Alex and has supported us through the most difficult points in our relationship. I knew it’d be foolish to not expect Jack to want us to get back together and not expect him to pull all the dirty tricks in his play book to ensure it happened, but it’s still unsettling to know that Alex and I are both willing to overlook anything and everything that happened in the seven years we were apart. The fact that we’re willing to let each other back into our lives intimately so quickly is a little bit unbelievable and irresponsible.

“You’re soul mates, Danger,” He says with a wink. “If you guys didn’t think you were supposed to be together, you wouldn’t constantly wind up in his bed.”

“Where is he?” I ask after noticing that he’s the only person missing from the scene. Even Jeff, their lighting guy, is standing over the bunk curiously and I feel self-conscious in my naked state.

“The back lounge,” Zack says and he picks my underwear off the floor of the aisle and drops it into my lap. “Maybe you should go talk to him.”

“Are my band mates in the van?” I ask as I slip my legs through my underwear and shimmy it awkwardly up my body while still trying to hide my naked chest from the crowd.

“Minus Bam and Roland, everybody passed out on the bus,” Rian smirks. “Last night was pretty rough.”

“Welcome to life on the road with All Time Low,” Matt rolls his eyes sarcastically and even I catch onto the underlying realism his statement brings. “Better get used to it.”

Rian flicks my sports bra at my face and laughs at the lack of reflexes my hungover ass has. I’m a hot mess, there’s no denying that, but now I’m forced to go discuss what happened last night and the night before with Alex.

The fact that drunk Caroline is willing to hop into bed with Alex without second thought, but sober me can’t face him is worrisome. They always say that being intoxicated lowers your level of inhibition and allows your true feelings to come out, but it’s so damn confusing the next day.

After pulling my sports bra on and sliding past the boys, I walk cautiously through the aisle way and find Alex in the back lounge as promised. He’s curled up under a blanket and is staring off into space, but my presence brings him back to reality quickly.

“I’m confused,” I say slowly, inching my way into the lounge.

He nods like he’s feeling the same way and I realize that there’s nothing that I’d like to more than to strip butt ass naked right here and have steamy sex with him.

Holy shit, Caroline. Keep it in your pants, will you? I mentally tell myself.

“What are we?” I ask finally, stepping over the bodies of my band mates to sit on the adjacent couch. “Are we together? Are we just experimenting? Like, what the fuck are we, Alex?”

He curls the blanket into his chest and takes a deep breath. “I have no fucking clue, Caroline.”

Awesome. I want to stand up and punch him in the face, but before I can follow through, he says something that catches me off guard.

“When we were in high school, I was convinced that I was going to marry you,” I cock my head to the side and question whether or not that really just came out of his mouth, but he only nods. “I fucking loved you with every fiber of my being. I wanted to be with you all the time and I constantly thought about you. When you moved, when you moved my entire world fell apart and I didn’t know how to go on.”

I hug my legs close to my chest and stare at him in disbelief.

“You being here – it makes everything that happened over the past seven years worth it,” I still can’t comprehend everything coming out of his mouth, but I don’t interrupt. “Everything that happened when we weren’t together ultimately brought us back together yesterday and it felt right again. I’m sorry if you’re conflicted about it, but I just really wanna fucking be with you.”

“Just fuck him already, Caroline,” Russell rolls over and stretches his arms above his head, allowing a yawn to escape his lips. “We all know you want to.”

I’m too caught up in Alex’s words to react to Russell’s like I normally would.

“Literally every time I looked at Lisa, I wished she was you,” His voice grows quiet and he raises his eyes to meet mine. “Those nights in San Francisco with you just reinforced all my feelings.”

Those nights were complete mistakes – well, I used to think they were – but I can’t deny the fact that they happened. Each and every time All Time Low made a stop in San Fran, I would sneak off to their concerts with my best friend, Noelle, and meet up with Alex. They’re the only two people who know about our secret meetings and I’d like to keep it that way.

“What nights in San Francisco?” Russell’s eyes pop wide open and he sits up suddenly, eyeing both me and Alex for an explanation.

“Nothing, Russ. Go back to sleep.”

By the way he’s looking at me, I can tell he’s piecing together all sorts of theories in his head and judging me whole-heartedly on them.

“Seriously, Russell,” I demand. “Go back to sleep or go up front and let us talk.”

He eyes me skeptically before standing up and wrapping himself in a blanket to go find a quieter place to sleep. It’s times like these that I’m thankful for my intimidation factor.

Once he’s out of earshot, I turn back to Alex and try to find the right words to describe my feelings. It’s not like me to get caught up on mere feelings. Normally I’d let my vagina be the decision maker in any sort of confliction, but it doesn’t seem right in this instance.

“I love you, Alex. That’s one thing that I’ve known this entire time, but it’s just not like us to jump into something so quickly. We’ve had seven years to grow up and become different people, so how do we even know that it’s gonna work?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “How does anybody know? They try, Caroline.”

“So what you’re saying to me – just to clarify – is that you want us to be together?”

Without hesitation, he nods his head, his eyes never leaving mine. I don’t answer with words, but find my way cautiously over to the couch, careful not wake any of the passed out boys on the floor, and lift the blanket up to allow myself to lay down next to him. He doesn’t fight it, instead pulling me into the warmth of his side.

“So, we’re together again,” He hums quietly, resting his chin on the top of my head. I can’t help but smile and know in my heart that it feels right. “How the hell did that happen?”

“Your mastery of the English language, my friend,” I say. “And the fact that my vagina and your penis are very, very good friends.”

Neither one of us can hold back the laughter and it fills the entire back room. Jack and Rian find the laughter to be an invitation to join us and throw themselves onto the couch across from us.

“So this is a new development,” Rian says, pointing to the two of us cuddling. “What the hell is it?”

“What the hell do you think it is?” I say, rolling my eyes. I’m not gonna give them the satisfaction of hearing it come out of my mouth because I know that’s what they want.

“I think you’re fuck buddies,” Miller wakes up from the loud conversation and rubs his tired eyes. “I’ve thought that since the minute you saw each other two days ago.”

“Go fuck yourself,” I say, flicking him in the face with my toes.

“That’s what your mom is for,” He shoots back, but it doesn’t offend me. My mom isn’t exactly a topic that pulls at my heartstrings or anything. I could literally not care what that woman does or doesn’t do in her free time, as long as it doesn’t hurt my dad or my sisters.

“Oh, how original.”

“What time is it?” He asks after losing interest in the topic.

Alex looks at his iPhone and I’m shocked to see it’s nearly one in the afternoon.

“Twelve forty-five,” He says nonchalantly. He clearly knew it wasn’t quite as early as I thought it had been. I would have put my money on eight forty-five or maybe, maybe nine thirty at the latest.

It takes about an hour before everybody is up. We’ve apparently been on the road for quite some time, driving through the night from New Jersey to Rochester, New York for our next show tonight. It’s weird to think that we fell asleep in one place and woke up in another, but then again, it’s also really cool.

The bus is packed with not only All Time Low, their crew, and Feral Amity, but somehow we’ve also managed to pack The Summer Set in as well. Much like yesterday, getting ready for the day is a power struggle as the most determined and willing are the firsts to get into the bathroom.

“You want something to eat?” Alex asks as he stretches his arms above his head and decides he should probably get up. He pushes the blanket off of us waits until I stand up to get up, himself.

“Yeah,” I say and follow him to the front lounge.

Jack, Rian, Zack, Matt, Jeff, Vinny, Theo, Miller, Otto, Ian, Russell, Luke, Sam, Brian, John, Josh, and Stephen all sit in the cramped space, hovering over bowls of cereal with their eyes glued to American Gladiators on TV. Our entrance isn’t noticed, even as Alex pours me a bowl of cereal. We’re only noticed as I shove my way in between Ian and Vinny on the couch.

“That’s quite the choice of clothes, girl,” Vinny points out and I close my legs, remembering the thin material covering my body.

“I don’t know where my clothes are,” I say sheepishly, just as Evan, All Time Low’s sound guy, makes his way into the lounge and holds up my pair of jean shorts.

“Anyone want to claim these?” He asks awkwardly. “They wound up in my bunk last night.”

The entire group looks at me momentarily before busting out into laughter as I raise my hand, embarrassed by everyone’s knowledge of my sex life.

Evan throws them in my direction and ducks back out of the room. I pull them up and button them, wishing for a clean pair of clothes so I can shower and get ready, but unfortunately all my clothes are currently traveling in a different vehicle and I’ll be forced to forego a shower for right now.

“Alright, so while everyone’s mind is on my sexual escapades from last night and my lack of clothing, does anyone know where my shirt went?” I ask boldly, forgetting about my embarrassment in the hopes that I can at least have an entire outfit before I’m forced to show myself to the world half naked.

“Unfortunately, no,” Brian says after a few moments of contemplation. It shouldn’t be this difficult, but apparently Alex and I sent my clothes flying last night in the heat of the moment.

“You can borrow one of mine if you can’t find yours,” Alex announces and I blush.

It’s like high school all over again. Alex is back in my life – hell, he’s mine – and everyone around us is judging us like it’s a schoolyard crush. I’m embarrassed by everyone’s harassment and can’t keep my cheeks from turning a bright red color.

I excuse myself from the lounge and wander to Alex’s bunk, mostly to look for my shirt, but also to escape the burning eyes and curious looks. After an unsuccessful search, I give up and sink into the warmth of his covers, curling up into a ball and pull the covers up to my neck.

There are very few people I feel comfortable talking to about my history with Alex – Jack, Rian, Zack, Matt, Noelle, and my sister, Eliza – but the extras are making me excessively uncomfortable. My band mates don’t even know the full story behind me and Alex, let alone All Time Low’s crew and The Summer Set. It’s just weird.

After digging through the bunk, I uncover my iPhone and click on the message app and type in Eliza’s number.



It takes a while for anyone to notice my absence, but Alex pulls open the curtains to the bunk and smirks before pushing my legs over to make room for himself. I lift up the blanket and allow him to wrap his arms protectively around my body.

“What’s wrong, Roe?”

His use of my old nickname shocks me, but it makes me even more glad that he’s in my life again.

“It’s just weird; everybody knowing about us and all.”

He laughs and pulls the curtain closed. “It’s not really that weird, is it? We’ve done this all before.”

Right as he leans in to kiss me, my attention turns to the buzzing of my phone. It’s Eliza.



I turn to Alex and silently question whether or not he minds, but end up not caring. I miss my sister and she’s free, so I hit the FaceTime button and wait patiently for her face to pop up on my screen.

“Caroline!” She squeals before pausing to contemplate the scene she’s witnessing. I almost forgot the fact that I’m lying shirtless in bed next to Alex. “What the hell is going on here?”

“Hi, Eliza,” Alex says, waving at the screen shamelessly.

“Hey, Alex,” She says, her brow furrowing in confusion. “Caroline…” She says slowly.

“Yeah, so before you judge me, I forgot that I wasn’t wearing a shirt,” I announce. “Don’t think too far into things just yet-“

“You’ve clearly already fucked,” She says simply and shrugs. “How was the show last night? Did it rock?”

I’m honestly surprised that she isn’t delving deeper, but don’t mind that she’s not.

“It was pretty awesome, I’m not gonna lie,” I say, the cheesiest grin spreading across my face. “People actually listen to our music.”

“No shit, sis. You have like, a million subscribers or something like that.”

Not quite, Eliza. Not quite. More like 200,000 and still, I never thought in a million years that any of them would come to a live show.

“How have you been, Alex?” Her attention turns to Alex, whose arms suddenly feel unnecessary around my body with my sister’s presence.

He smirks and looks at me for a minute. “I’ve been pretty good. Missing you crazies, though. Wish you could come visit sometime on tour.”

“Seriously, though, that would make all of us hate our lives a little bit less,” She says.

“Liza!” I hear Victoria’s voice in the background and her attention turns to our other sister. “Who are you talking to?”

“Caroline and Alex,” Eliza brags and Victoria scoffs.

“No way! Why didn’t you tell me?”

Alex laughs as Victoria pokes her head in front of the screen.

“You weren’t exactly invited,” Eliza says, jerking the camera off of Victoria and back onto herself.

“Come on,” I plead for Eliza to be a good person for a minute. “Let her talk, too.”

“Fine,” She says. “But only because I like you, Caroline.”

They settle against Eliza’s headboard as she adjusts the camera so both are in frame. I’ve never thought either of them particularly looked like sisters, but now more than ever I saw it in their faces.

“Seriously, though, back to us coming to visit. Can we please make that happen?” Eliza asks and Victoria’s face lights up.

“Yes, please!”

Alex and I both laugh at their anxiousness and willingness to come visit. If only it was that easy. Mom would never, ever let them come visit me on tour. Besides, it would involve them missing school and she’d shit her pants before that could happen.

“You know realistically that that will never, ever happen,” I say finally.

“If we convince dad he might demand that we be able to go,” Eliza says and I can see that she truly believes it.

“I’ll tell you what,” Alex interjects. “If you can get your parents to agree, there are five backstage passes with your names on them.”

“No fucking joke?” Eliza asks, almost freaking out.

“No joke,” Alex says, seriously. “I miss my honorary baby sisters. You look like mini fucking adults and I’m not okay with that.”

“I’m seriously gonna go talk to dad right now. Love you guys! Alex Gaskarth, you are my fucking hero!” She says and we both wave before she disconnects.

“Well, that went well,” Alex says, looking at me and smiling.

I want to believe that our dad will be successful in convincing our mom to allow him to travel halfway across the world with my sisters, but it’s unrealistic. Despite my dad being our primary caregiver for our entire lives, our mom still doesn’t trust him to take care of us. I don’t know if it’s a power thing, but because she’s the breadwinner in the family, she still makes the calls, even though she’s never given two shits about us.

“Hopefully it’ll happen,” I whisper and snuggle deeper into the comfort of his protective grasp.