Finally I'm Free

A month has past and nothing has gotten better.

Lilly still cries out for Brian. McKenna is getting a little better without her brother but every time Lilly cries, she cries. Jimmy isn’t showing any emotion. And that’s something that is freaking me out. A three year old should show some kind of emotion when a parent is gone. But Jimmy isn’t. He just holds his sister hand and looks at her with a blank look on his face.

And then there’s me.

Ive been sick for the past 2 weeks. Throwing up almost every hour. I can’t eat anything. I won’t be able to sleep without sleeping in something of Brian’s. I get tired at the weirdest hours. My body feels like it was beaten down. I can’t move around without something bothering me. And poor McKenna had to take over everything for me.

I told Brian none of this. I don’t want him to worry about anything. I never told him once we hang up the phone; Lilly throws a hissy fit for him. Jimmy pretends to be happy when he talks to Brian when he video chats with them. And I pretend that im not sick when I text Brian.

Daddy knows, only because when I chatted with him on the computer, I threw up. I made him promise not to tell Brian. I really didn’t want him to fly back home for a stomach bug.

And Lilly just has to get used to her father not always being here. I can’t make Brian quit something he loves just because I can’t deal with our fussy daughter. It can’t happen. Im not going to put all of that on Brian. I would feel horrible that im the reason he can’t be what he always dream of being.

I don’t know what im going to do with Jimmy. I can’t just make this kid go to therapy. It didn’t help me as a kid and I doubt it’s going to help my son.

But right now, I have to deal with everything one step at a time.

And first things first, is finding out what is wrong with me.



“McKenna, my mom and Jordan is going to be here soon, so can you help get the kids ready?” She nods and grabs Jimmy. I sighed knowing that she can’t be with Lilly right now.

I walk slowly to Lilly and grab her hand.

“Mommy I want up!” I shake my head and urge her to walk up the stairs. “No! Jammy got to be carried! I want up!”

“Lilly just walk up the stairs.”

“No I want up!” Her voice was screechy and she stomped her foot, like that is supposed to change my mind.

“Lilly, I don’t feel good. Can’t you just walk like a big girl does?”

“No!” She crosses her arms over her small chest and pouts up at me.

“Lilly Aura get your little butt up those stairs right now or you can’t talk to Daddy tonight!” I felt a little bad as her brown eyes welled up with tears. I sighed miserably when she ran up the stairs telling me that im a bad mommy.

And I am a bad mother. I can’t even take care of my kids anymore.

I sit on the bottom step and cover my face with my hands. I lean my elbows on my knees and sob loudly. I felt someone sit next to me and a small hand on my arm. I look over to see my son sitting next to me.

“You’re not a bad mom. Lilly just really misses Dad.” He sounds so old right now.

“Why are you like this, Jimmy?”

“Dad’s gone; someone has to look out for you and Lilly.” I shake my head and pull my son onto my lap.

“Jimmy, your daddy isn’t going to be gone forever. He is coming back. You don’t have to be like this every time he is gone. Im the mother, I have to take care of you. Not the other way around. Okay, monster?” He nods and his eyes brightens a little bit.

McKenna walks down the steps with a dressed Lilly in her arms. Lilly’s face was red and her eyes are puffy. She was sniffling and rubbing her eyes. I stand up after placing Jimmy on the floor. I grab Lilly from McKenna’s arms and hold my daughter close to me.

“Im sorry Princess, I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

“Im sorry too Mommy.” She whimpers to me and places her head on my shoulder. Jimmy wraps his arms around my right leg and McKenna hugs my right side. I wrap an arm around the teen and place my right hand on the top of my son’s head.

Momma and Jordan came into the house and looks at us.

“What did we miss?” I shake my head at Momma’s question and we all walk out of the house. I strap Lilly in and hand my keys to Jordan and climb into the front seat of my truck. McKenna goes into Momma’s car once she finished buckling Jimmy in.

I close my eyes for the rest of the ride. My eyes just don’t want to stay open and I don’t fight it. I slowly drift off to sleep listening to Matt’s voice singing Afterlife.



I wake up once the truck stops. I slowly climb out of the car and Momma helps me stay up right. We walk into the hospital and I crash down onto a seat. I could hear someone call for a wheelchair before my limp body was picked up.

I was wheeled somewhere with my family right behind me. I could hear Lilly asking Jordan if im going to be okay. Again I feel bad and guilty when I hear the scared voice that belongs to my daughter.

Why do I always let her down?

My body was once again picked up and was placed down on a bed. I drift in and out of consciousness. I could hear people talking and hands touching me. I felt needles poking me. I drifted off to sleep when I heard Momma say she was going to call Brian.



*Leana’s pov*

“I don’t think you should call him yet.” I look over to McKenna who has been quiet since we left the house.

“And why not? Don’t you think your brother needs to know that his fiancé is in the hospital?”

“Of course he does but we don’t even know what is wrong with Alexa. It might be just a stomach bug. I think we should wait before calling him so we don’t freak him out even more.”

“I still say we should call him.”

“And tell him what Leana? That his fiancé is in the hospital and we don’t know what wrong with her? That would just make him freak out more. Just wait until we know what is wrong and see if Alexa even wants to tell him over the phone.”

I sit there staring at this young girl as she yelled at me. I knew she was right. I look deep into her eyes and I saw she is scared just like the rest of us. But she is trying to hide it so the twins don’t freak out. She is pretending to be brave. She is just like her brother. Brian would be doing the same thing if he was here. But only for the twins. If the twins weren’t here then McKenna would probably be freaking out and not thinking about what would happen if we just call Brian and could tell him nothing about Alexa.

“Where the hell is this doctor, it’s been an hour.” I stand and walk towards the door. I look everywhere for my daughters’ doctor but I couldn’t see her.

“Relax Leana, the more time it takes the more they find out.” I nodded my head at Jordan’s words but I still stood in the doorway looking for Doctor Hicks.

I looked over to the bed when I heard a groan coming from it. Alexa blinks a couple of times before opening them.

“Mommy!” Lilly and Jimmy shouts before climbing up onto the bed with their mother. I walk over to my daughter and smooth her hair back. McKenna sits cross legged on the end of the bed. Jordan stood on her other side looking down at her with sadness in her eyes.

“Did we find out anything yet?”

I shake my head before kissing her forehead. “Not yet Sweetie. The doctor hasn’t come back yet.” She nods her head before going to play with the twins.

She looks up and meets McKenna’s broken down look. Alexa frowns softly and kicks McKenna lightly with her foot.

“What’s wrong, Mickey?”

McKenna smiles little before looking down at her hands on her lap. “I thought you weren’t going to wake up.”

“But im up and I feel better than ever now.” Alexa smiles brightly at McKenna and McKenna just sighs in return. Alexa hands me Lilly before handing Jimmy to Jordan. She pulls McKenna down next to her and runs her fingers through the purple locks of hair. “McKenna, im fine, I promise you that. Im not going to leave you alone anytime soon. You are still going to have me annoying you and bossing you around. You’re not going to get rid of me that easily.”

McKenna nods and lies down next to Alexa. She plays with Alexa’s fingers as she lies there quietly. I think that was what McKenna really needed to hear the most. I think that she feels alone now that Brian isn’t here.

There was a knock at the door and we all look to see Doctor Hicks standing there.

“Well I have good news and great news.”

“What’s the good news, Doc?” The doctor smiled when she saw that Alexa was up.

“Well Miss. Sullivan, nothing is wrong with you.” I looked at the doctor confused but Alexa smiled brightly and laughed.

“I think I know what that great news is then, Doc.” Alexa laughed out, still with that bright smile on her face.

“Can you tell us the great news now Doctor?” I asked trying to figure out why Alexa is so happy.

“Well it seems that Alexa is 5 weeks pregnant.”