Give Me All Your Hopeless Heart

Frank wasn’t feeling well and asked me to come lay with him. Of course I was going to say yes, and my heart was racing as we went back to his bunk. We laid down and I couldn’t help but kiss the top off his head as he curled into my side.
I started to sing under my breath so that my thoughts wouldn’t wander too far to Frank, but it didn’t really work. Our bodies were so perfectly intertwined with each other. I told him that if he needed anything to let me know, but I was really hoping he wouldn’t need anything. I didn’t want to move from that spot.
Maybe this means something. We hadn’t cuddled like this in forever, maybe he missed it. I mean, he probably wasn’t feeling that sick, Frank was always a little dramatic. I didn’t mind, though. It gave me a reason to hold him this way.
I kept hoping that he would lean up and kiss me. I wanted him to, I wanted him to so that I could pull him in closer and keep his lips there with mine. After a while, he fell asleep. I stayed awake for a little while, just watching his peaceful, perfect face, and then I too fell asleep.
When I woke up, Frank was already awake, but he was still curled into my side.
“Feeling any better?” I asked, smiling as he looked up at me with those huge green eyes. He hesitated for a moment.
“Yeah, I mean a little bit,” but he tucked his head back under my chin. I didn’t mind, I’d stay like this forever if he’s let me.
I had to tell him, he needed to know. I needed to get it off my chest. Frank and I were best friends, we were supposed to tell each other everything and this one small thing wouldn’t ruin our friendship, would it?
But this wasn’t a small thing, it was a huge thing.
But even if it didn’t tear us apart as friends what if times like this stopped? What if he stopped giving me chances to hold him, to take his hand, to plant the smallest kisses on top of his head? What if he didn’t feel the same? I couldn’t handle that.
What if it made things awkward between us? Right now, we were laying in the most comfortable silence. Neither of us felt the need to say anything.
We were already so close; I didn’t see how my feelings would even have the slightest possibility of tearing us apart. Surely it would only bring us closer.
“Frank,” I said, almost in a whisper. I had gotten a sudden rush of courage. I was going to tell him.
He looked up at me and as soon as his eyes met mine, my courage began to drain. But I couldn’t allow it to, it was time.
“You’re my best friend,” I said. Then I stopped. What was I thinking? I couldn’t tell him, it was a stupid idea for me to even put into my head.
He smiled wide. “You’re my best friend, too, Gerard,” and he kept smiling.
He shifted his body up so that his face was level with mine, but our bodies were still twisted together. There was hardly even a centimeter of space between the tip of my nose and his. I wanted nothing more than to close the space between our lips. He was grinning.
“Thanks for lying with me all day,” he started, “to be honest, I felt a lot better quite a while ago…” He trailed off and broke eye contact. What did that mean?
“Well, then why did we lay here all day?” I asked.
He looked up at me, a serious look on his face now.
“I miss you, Gerard,” he said. He started to move his face closer to mine. My heart sped up as he closed his eyes and the distance between our mouths.
Right as my lips were finally about to touch his, Ray burst into the room and Frank jumped back.
“Shit,” I said under my breath. Frank shot me a brief look, but it wasn’t clear what he meant by it.
“Get the fuck up!” Ray said, “You two have been sleeping all fucking day, come hang out with us, you can be boyfriends when you’re dead.” He hit Frank with a pillow and Frank leapt out of the bunk. They began playfully wrestling.
As the three of us filed out into the main living area, Frank quickly turned back smiling, and winked at me. I could feel myself blushing.
We all sat around and talked, drinking coffee like we always did, but I could only concentrate on Frank. He almost kissed me, which had to mean something, right? And then he winked at me. Why the fuck did Ray have to come in?
I needed to know how Frank felt about me. I had to get some closure.