Give Me All Your Hopeless Heart

“Well go sit with your boyfriend, then-!” Mikey said sarcastically, and I rolled my eyes and dug my fingers into the tender skin just below his ribs once more before rolling off of the sofa.

“Fine, I will.” I stuck my tongue out, and moved over to Gerard, dropping down in his lap gently.
It’s not like I could sit next to him -he was in the single chair.
Which I was kind of really happy about.

I looked over to the younger Way again, and smiled broadly.
“Jealous, Mikey?” I giggled, and he then rolled his eyes, and let himself flop back on the sofa as Ray continues to ignore us while he was messing with some new music on his laptop.

I curled up in Gerard lap, and turned my head up to look at him with a smile.
“Hey, Gee..”

I looked into his doe eyes for a moment, before humming contently and settled against his chest.

Poor man looked like a bunny caught in headlights.
Probably didn’t help when I’d tried to kiss him- what the fuck was I thinking? I was surely going to ruin our friendship.

Why could I just leave it.
The only reason Gerard hadn’t pushed me away was because he was probably too startled and shocked to even realise what was going on; and now that he’d had time to think it through, he’d realised how fucking creepy I am, and decided it was better if we kept our distance.

But I wasn’t going to have that -no fucking way.
I was not letting Gerard slip away from me any more than he already had done.

We sat like that for a long time, just talking and joking around, until Gerard nudged my side a little harder than before -when I’d ignored him- and I squirmed around to look at him.
“What?” I pouted at him, looking at him with big eyes. “I don’t wanna move -you’re comfy.”

Gerard just shakes his head, mutters something about the bathroom and then practically shoved me off of his lap.
“Asshole.” I muttered, and huffed, moving over to the sofa again and curled up with Mikey.

It probably looked terrible to everyone else, but I just really liked being close with people.
Gerard being my favourite, but he obviously didn’t want me at the moment, so.
My other best friend will have to cuddle me instead.

I smiled when Mikey wrapped his arm around me, after jabbing me in the ribs as payback. I saw Gerard look back at us out of the corner of my eyes, but tried to pay no attention. It kind of really hurt, because I was beginning to feel pretty damn rejected by Gerard.
He didn’t even hold me like he normally would; and it wasn’t just because the guys were around, because that didn’t normally bother him.

In fact, that used to make him show off more.
Which then used to piss me off.

I heard Gerard sigh softly, and then his footsteps disappear, and I exhale slowly, relaxing against Mikey.

“What’s wrong, Frankie?” He asked, and I just shook my head. I didn’t feel like talking about it.
The whole ‘I think I’m in love with you’re brother -wait, no. Scratch that. I am in love with him’ thing probably wouldn’t have gone down well. It’s whiney and childish.

Tonight was our night off, and a few hours had passed from when Gerard had disappeared.
And now I was left all alone, on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling of the bus.

Ray and Mikey went out to some party thing, and I hadn’t seen Gerard since he pushed me off of his lap.
Maybe I should just go out, because Gerard obviously didn’t want me.
Maybe I should apologize.

That sounded like a better idea; I didn’t really feel like going out.

“Gerard..?” I called softly, and padded through the bus quietly.
“Gee, I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t-” What? I didn’t mean to? That would be a lie. That would be the biggest lie ever. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
There. I didn’t mean to hurt Gerard.

“Just- don’t do this to me again. ..Please.” I stepped through to the bunk room, and just looked at Gerard for a long moment.

He was sitting on the floor, surrounded my odd pieces of paper; covered with both words and drawings.
“Gerard -please.”

I was very aware that I sounded pathetic. So very aware, that it was beginning to hurt.
I didn’t dare step any further into the small room; ruining one of those pieces of paper would just make everything ten times worse, and that would just be terrible.

The silence hung between us for a long time, and I managed to feel worse the whole way through.

“At least fucking reject me properly.” I mutter, and shook my head a little.
I watched Gerard for a few more moments, and then turned away and headed into the kitchen area, pulling out a bottle of beer and moved to drop down onto the sofa again.

Fine. Gerard couldn’t tell me he didn’t want me, so he’d just fucking ignore me.
That was fine.
Whatever.

I drank half the bottle before curling up on my side, face pressed into the back of the sofa, and let myself feel shitty until I fell asleep.