Fear Itself

Christmas rolled around, and I was a little disappointed to know that the tunnels were just as dull and depressing as usual. Alex and I had started to move past our problems. In fact, I had taken the opportunity to apologize to him… with a gift of course. I had spent the morning in West London where somebody told me I could get a book. It was in a strange, desolate area full of seedy people in hats and coats, all skulking around with shifty glances. They stared at me, but I wasn’t concerned. I walked up to the man at the end of the alley and purchased a copy of one of my most favorite Thomas Mann stories: ‘Death in Venice.’ I kept to myself the whole way back to the tunnels, and luckily, when I came down, Alex was seated at the meeting table alone.

“Alex!” I shouted, waving to him. He glanced over his shoulder but quickly turned his head to the table. “Hey,” I said when I sat down across from him. He still didn’t look up, just kept drumming his fingers on the table. “Okay, look, I know we haven’t exactly… we didn’t really get off on the right foot, and I don’t think we ever made it there anyway, but I don’t think that means we shouldn’t at least try,” I told him. His browns eyes glanced up at me, but there was little expression in his face. “Merry Christmas,” I added, sliding the book across the table to him. “I thought that maybe you um… would enjoy it, you know, since you don’t partake in ‘substances.’ The first story in this collection is about a man dealing with desire and lets it overtake and eventually kill him.” I shrugged my shoulders, withdrawing my hands into my lap. “It seemed right up your alley—“

“Thanks,” he said quietly, drawing the book toward him gently. He opened the cover, flipped through it a little. His eyes came back to me, and he smiled a little. “Really.” I gave him a nod.

“Consider it an apology for things getting weird,” I laughed softly. “I think we both know that social cues aren’t my strong point.” A grin spread across his face. He propped his elbow on the table and rested his chin in his hands, smiling at me.

“That’s okay,” Alex assured me. “Besides, it seems like you’ve improved, or at least Dean seems to think so.”

“And Sam seems to think you aren’t a complete asshole,” I shot back playfully, grinning. Alex even chuckled and shook his head. “What’s up with you two, anyway? Is it serious?”

“I wouldn’t call it that. No,” Alex explained, shaking his head again, slower this time. “Sam and I… I don’t really think there’s a Sam and I. There’s not really a Sam and anyone.” He seemed a little disheartened. I furrowed my eyebrows and watched his gaze drift back to the book. “Not a big deal, though,” he added. “I don’t care.”

“Okay,” I told him quietly, nodding. “Enjoy the book, Alex. Tell me what you think once you’ve read it.” I offered him a quiet smile, and he just nodded in agreement. Backpack in tow, I made my way back to the room.

Just as I was about to reach for the doorknob, Avery came out instead, closing the door behind him and blocking my path. “Afternoon, Princess,” he greeted me in his usual murmur. I smiled a little, pleasantly surprised by the sight of Avery here at such a strange hour. He was never here around this time.

“Hi, Mumbles!” I returned, grinning. “Merry Christmas, Mumbles!” I added jubilantly, taking off my backpack to reach inside. “I’ve got something for you.” I rummaged through among the crap to try and find where I had put his gift. “Here,” I said, handing him the small box, wrapped up in newspaper because that was all I could find. “You don’t have to open it right now, obviously. Anytime is okay with me. I just hope you like it.” I smiled. He chuckled under his breath.

“Thanks,” he told me, taking my box with one hand. Soon in his right appeared a bag that he pulled from behind his back. “This is for you, Princess.” I could have squealed, I was that giddy.

“Wow!” I laughed. “Really, Mumbles? I know you’re very against feeling any kinds of emotions and developing close personal bonds, so this must have been very difficult for you.” I took the bag from him and reached inside, only to pull out a squeaky rubber toy shaped like a dog bone, and I laughed. “Mumbles, this is very thoughtful, but I don’t have a dog. I have a cat.”

“That’s not for Ralph,” he told me, face absolutely serious, and my face just fell. My mouth twisted up into a frown, and my hand clenched the toy, resulting in tension-breaking squeak. Avery laughed, but I didn’t find it funny at all.

“I put a lot of thought into your gift, Mumbles!” I huffed, trying not to sound as upset as I actually was. “This isn’t fair at all! I don’t even want to look at you right now!” Angry, I shoved the toy back in the bag, and I pushed past him and walked into our room. I could hear him following behind me, and it didn’t dawn on me why he would willing follow me in until my eyes fell upon a rather large pile of books on my side of the room. I gasped, couldn’t even contain it, and turned around. “Mumbles!” I exclaimed, blinking. “Are those for me!?” He nodded, and he smiled just a little. I dropped the bag on the floor and threw myself at him in a hug, squealing. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I squeaked, and he patted me on the head.

“Merry Christmas, Princess,” he murmured. I let go of him and rushed over to the books, falling to my knees right beside them. I started sift through, examining the spines for the titles and sighing in awe.

“This is so great!” I chirped, laughing, taking a book and hugging it to my chest. “Mumbles, wherever did you find all of these?”

“Don’t worry about it,” he grumbled. I hummed another small laugh, looking over the books with utter satisfaction. I bit my lip for a moment and glanced up at him.

“Mumbles, question,” I said, raising my eyebrows, and he looked over to me. “What are you doing this evening?”

“Nothin’,” he grumbled glancing away just for a moment. I didn’t think that he would lie to me like that, so I just smiled.

“Brilliant!” I laughed. “Would you mind walking me to East London again tonight? Dean said he wanted me to come over tonight.” There was a pause, and Avery considered for a moment.

“Sure, Princess,” Avery muttered, and I clapped.

“You’re the best,” I smiled.

“When’re you goin’?” he asked.

“Um,” I blinked, looking around for a time, but I knew there wasn’t a clock in here. “What time is it now, Mumbles?”

“‘Bout three-thirty.”

My eyes widened. “Oh my goodness, we need to leave very soon then!” I gasped a little. “Hold on, let me grab my bag, and then we can go, okay!?” Avery nodded, and I turned to throw whatever I would need for the night into the backpack. I flung the straps over my shoulders, and I turned to Avery and grinned. “Okay! Ready to go!”

“Great,” he mumbled, turning and heading for the door, where we continued on the path we usually took out of the tunnels and through West London. We crossed through the woods, as per usual, but this time I went with a bounce in my step, thinking of what the evening would consist of my. My stomach was aflutter, thinking of Dean, thinking of maybe what we’d do tonight and his reaction to the present I had gotten him. Rather, the present I had spent an entire 24 hours with Chandler to get over a painstaking journey to find the right lingerie, even though I still felt a little odd wearing it. Not so much anymore. It was convenient that I could hook my stockings to it; now, I didn’t have to keep pulling them up.

Avery and I continued on in silence, walking as we always did, very calm, very quiet. We walked like this a lot because I was starting to realize that I didn’t need to constantly talk. Things were okay when I didn’t. That must have been something Avery figured out a long time ago. Just was we were crossing a street, I heard the familiar voice of Chandler Jacques approaching from our right, “Tali!” He whistled. “Over here!” I turned my head in a wide grin. Avery didn’t seem nearly as amused. Chandler approached with one hand holding onto Gabe’s, who stood on his right, and with one holding Eden close him, balanced on his hip. “Hi, darling,” he greeted me, smiling.

“Hi, Miss Tali!” Eden squealed, waving to me rather emphatically.

“Hey,” Gabe greeted last, giving me a nod.

“Wow, hello,” I laughed. “It’s so lovely to see all of you.”

“Likewise, darling,” Chandler said.

“Miss Tali, might I say you look beautiful tonight!” Eden exclaimed. “I love your pink dress.” She smiled and laid her head against Chandler’s shoulder, smiling still.

“She’s going to look even lovelier when she opens my gift to her,” Chandler teased, turning his head to the child.

“Really?” Eden asked with awe. “What is it?”

“I can’t tell you in front of her,” Chandler laughed. “But I promise, I will show you a picture when we get home.”

“You got me something?” I asked, holding a hand over my chest and smiling at him gratefully. “You really shouldn’t have.”

“No, darling, I did have to,” Chandler contended. “Trust me. You’ll love it. Ask Dean when you get over there. He’s got it for you.”

“Thank you,” I told him, smiling. “So where are you all headed?”

“Back to Chandler’s,” Gabe explained, and a small smile crept onto Chandler’s face when I looked at him.

“You’re having guests, Chandler?” I inquired, a shocked look on my face.

“Hmmm, yeah,” he hummed in response, chuckling softly. “Well, mon amie, I’ll let you get going. Wouldn’t want you to be late for your big surprise.” He began to walk again, small family in tow, but I turned as he passed me.

“A surprise?” I asked curiously.

“Don’t worry about, darling. You’ll see,” he laughed.

“Have a good evening,” Gabe added as they stopped on the edge of the curb, and just as they were crossing the street, Eden popped her head over Chandler’s shoulder and waved to me.

“Merry Christmas, Miss Tali!” she shouted, and I laughed.

“You too, love,” I called back to her. Soon, they went to the next street, and I didn’t think I had ever seen Chandler looking that happy. I couldn’t wait to tell Dean that Chandler was having guests. “Sorry about that, Mumbles,” I chuckled. Avery grumbled and turned again, leaving me to follow him all the way to Dean’s house, where he left me on my own for the rest of the evening, but I didn’t see him walking the way we had come; he was walking further into East London.