Status: Awkwardly Active.
In Case of Emergency, Dial 411
Dial 411
I felt hurt.
I felt betrayed.
Mostly I felt utterly alone.
If I didn’t have Jeremy then, I had no one. Absolutely no one.
That meant once I was gone, no one would mourn me. I wouldn't have a funeral. My mom would be to drunk to make arrangements. Maybe, if I commit suicide then my mother just might sober up.
My life already sucked enough, but when it had finally got somewhat better everything just crashed. When I saw Jeremy kissing Tasha, I felt the ground beneath my feet crumble.
I mean, I trusted him. I was so stupid.
I didn’t feel like living anymore. My entire life meant nothing. It’s not worth living if every single day, I have to bleed just to feel something because I feel so numb.
Pills? No, when I’m gone I don’t want people to believe I was a druggie. It would give them one more thing to talk about me.
I could slice my wrists but I knew sometimes that didn’t work. I didn’t want to fail at this. It had to be successful, being baker acted was the last thing I wanted. Not again.
I could jump off this....
I gripped the cold metal railing that lined the top of the commentators box and looked straight down. It was quite a long drop considering it was at the very top of the stadium. I step over the railing, still gripping it tightly I set my foot on the inch left of space and do the same with the other leg.
I stare at the cement that is 100 feet below me. I contemplate if how I could jump.
Maybe head first to make sure my brain splatters. My blood would for ever stain the pavement they would have to replace it probably but since my school is so broke they’d probably paint over it or something.
“It’s now or never...” I tell myself letting go of the railing with my eyes closed tightly. My felt feeling was a sharp pain in my side.
“SIANE!?” I hear Jeremy scream so loud it hurt my eardrums. He was holding on to my left wrist so tight, it was probably losing circulation. The cause of the pain in my side was when I slammed into the commentators box. I look down and suddenly I was terrified.
“JEREMY, HELP ME PLEASE!”
I was unaware of what came over me. I thought I wanted to die but dangling 100 feet above the ground changed my mind and quick.
“You gotta help me pull you up!” he says struggling to pull me with both of his hands around my one wrist. I try, Jeremy is pulled over the rail and little more.
“I CAN’T!” I scream, I had started thrashing my legs which probably wasn’t helping anything.
“YES, YOU CAN!” My hand start to slips from his “GIVE ME YOUR OTHER HAND!”
I manage to lift my other hand up. Jeremy moves one of his hands to my other wrist
“Jeremy, please help me! Pull me up, I, I don’t wanna die”
“Lift one of your legs up to the ledge.” Jeremy instructed. I try to and manage to get my knee on the inch of space before the railing while Jeremy helped pull me up. Once my other foot made it to the ledge Jeremy lifted me above the rail and we fell with him landing on his back and me on top of him. We laid there for a few moments, breathing heavily. I cried while Jeremy held to me so tight I could barely breathe. “I’m sorry...” Jeremy whispers. I tense up, I remember what he he did. I caught him kissing Tasha Good. The enemy. But he also ~just saved my life~
“You were so right about Tasha. She is evil, she planned this.” He says “I don’t like her at all. She kissed me I didn’t know she would. I am so sorry, Siane.” He moves one arm from around me to my face. He lifts my chin up to look at him. With his thumb he runs it across my tear stained cheek.
“I can save you, if you ask me, just ask me too...” Jeremy serenades to me. I immediately recognize it and sing along with him .
“I can save your life,” Our voices are in unison then Jeremy goes to sing a verse I didn’t know the words too .
“I knew who you were.You act like you are afraid of who you are, I'm afraid for you.
Try, trust and believe in me. I can show you that there's so much more. There's still hope for you. Let me show you I can save you.” Jeremy runs his fingers through my hair as he sings softly. He starts the chorus again that I know so I join .
“I can you save, you ask me just ask me too, I can save your life." We create a perfect melody.
Jeremy continues the song “Don't give up just believe I will be right there, when your hopes and your dreams are on the line. Don't give up just believe I'll be right by your side,
when your hopes and your dreams are on the line.” He starts wiping the tears away from my wet face but more tear just kept replacing them. The song comes to an end and it is my favorite part “One day you'll open your eyes, take a look inside I just saved your life. Just take a look inside, I hope you know what it's like for you to be alright. I am for you.”
“That was beautiful. Did you write that?”
“No, it was the song my grandfather wrote for my Grams when they were teenagers. It reminded me of us”
“Oh,”
“Did you like it?”
“I loved it”
“I loved it” she said
That was a relief, I had been practicing it for awhile ever since I got Grams to sing it to me. I had the intention to sing it Siane but I never found the right situation. This was sadly the perfect timing. I was surprised she sung along with me somewhat.
“How did you know I was up here?” She asks lifting up her head from my shoulder looking me directly in my eyes.
“I just knew” I say. It was weird, my first instinct was to come up here.
“Do you want to know why I cut?” Siane asks me the question I never thought she say. I nod.
“Truth be told half the time I’m sure myself. One day, when I had came home from a rough day of fifth grade I remember taking a knife and scrapping it across my wrist. I didn’t try to kill myself, like tonight, I just did it and I started to feel better. I cut because most of the time living day by day so mundane it like I’m just breathing. It’s like I’m numb so I do it just to feel something. Once, I had gotten caught by my school that didn't do much besides send me to the shrink. My mom was too busy drunk to notice me. Since then I had started cutting my thighs and during colder months I’d cut my arms.”
She tells me want I had been wondering since the day in the girls bathroom after school.
“I didn’t tell you this before because, well, how could I? I didn’t think you’d understand”
“I understand completely but I really, really want you to stop it.” Siane stares into my eyes without words, she had no protest “You don’t have to cut to feel something.”
What I did next was a bold move, but it was something had been thinking about for a long time.
I kissed her.
“Now, isn’t this a much better feeling than pain?”
She stares at me breathlessly, her eyes became glossy before saying“much better” and kisses me once more.
I felt betrayed.
Mostly I felt utterly alone.
If I didn’t have Jeremy then, I had no one. Absolutely no one.
That meant once I was gone, no one would mourn me. I wouldn't have a funeral. My mom would be to drunk to make arrangements. Maybe, if I commit suicide then my mother just might sober up.
My life already sucked enough, but when it had finally got somewhat better everything just crashed. When I saw Jeremy kissing Tasha, I felt the ground beneath my feet crumble.
I mean, I trusted him. I was so stupid.
I didn’t feel like living anymore. My entire life meant nothing. It’s not worth living if every single day, I have to bleed just to feel something because I feel so numb.
Pills? No, when I’m gone I don’t want people to believe I was a druggie. It would give them one more thing to talk about me.
I could slice my wrists but I knew sometimes that didn’t work. I didn’t want to fail at this. It had to be successful, being baker acted was the last thing I wanted. Not again.
I could jump off this....
I gripped the cold metal railing that lined the top of the commentators box and looked straight down. It was quite a long drop considering it was at the very top of the stadium. I step over the railing, still gripping it tightly I set my foot on the inch left of space and do the same with the other leg.
I stare at the cement that is 100 feet below me. I contemplate if how I could jump.
Maybe head first to make sure my brain splatters. My blood would for ever stain the pavement they would have to replace it probably but since my school is so broke they’d probably paint over it or something.
“It’s now or never...” I tell myself letting go of the railing with my eyes closed tightly. My felt feeling was a sharp pain in my side.
“SIANE!?” I hear Jeremy scream so loud it hurt my eardrums. He was holding on to my left wrist so tight, it was probably losing circulation. The cause of the pain in my side was when I slammed into the commentators box. I look down and suddenly I was terrified.
“JEREMY, HELP ME PLEASE!”
I was unaware of what came over me. I thought I wanted to die but dangling 100 feet above the ground changed my mind and quick.
“You gotta help me pull you up!” he says struggling to pull me with both of his hands around my one wrist. I try, Jeremy is pulled over the rail and little more.
“I CAN’T!” I scream, I had started thrashing my legs which probably wasn’t helping anything.
“YES, YOU CAN!” My hand start to slips from his “GIVE ME YOUR OTHER HAND!”
I manage to lift my other hand up. Jeremy moves one of his hands to my other wrist
“Jeremy, please help me! Pull me up, I, I don’t wanna die”
“Lift one of your legs up to the ledge.” Jeremy instructed. I try to and manage to get my knee on the inch of space before the railing while Jeremy helped pull me up. Once my other foot made it to the ledge Jeremy lifted me above the rail and we fell with him landing on his back and me on top of him. We laid there for a few moments, breathing heavily. I cried while Jeremy held to me so tight I could barely breathe. “I’m sorry...” Jeremy whispers. I tense up, I remember what he he did. I caught him kissing Tasha Good. The enemy. But he also ~just saved my life~
“You were so right about Tasha. She is evil, she planned this.” He says “I don’t like her at all. She kissed me I didn’t know she would. I am so sorry, Siane.” He moves one arm from around me to my face. He lifts my chin up to look at him. With his thumb he runs it across my tear stained cheek.
“I can save you, if you ask me, just ask me too...” Jeremy serenades to me. I immediately recognize it and sing along with him .
“I can save your life,” Our voices are in unison then Jeremy goes to sing a verse I didn’t know the words too .
“I knew who you were.You act like you are afraid of who you are, I'm afraid for you.
Try, trust and believe in me. I can show you that there's so much more. There's still hope for you. Let me show you I can save you.” Jeremy runs his fingers through my hair as he sings softly. He starts the chorus again that I know so I join .
“I can you save, you ask me just ask me too, I can save your life." We create a perfect melody.
Jeremy continues the song “Don't give up just believe I will be right there, when your hopes and your dreams are on the line. Don't give up just believe I'll be right by your side,
when your hopes and your dreams are on the line.” He starts wiping the tears away from my wet face but more tear just kept replacing them. The song comes to an end and it is my favorite part “One day you'll open your eyes, take a look inside I just saved your life. Just take a look inside, I hope you know what it's like for you to be alright. I am for you.”
“That was beautiful. Did you write that?”
“No, it was the song my grandfather wrote for my Grams when they were teenagers. It reminded me of us”
“Oh,”
“Did you like it?”
“I loved it”
Jeremy
“I loved it” she said
That was a relief, I had been practicing it for awhile ever since I got Grams to sing it to me. I had the intention to sing it Siane but I never found the right situation. This was sadly the perfect timing. I was surprised she sung along with me somewhat.
“How did you know I was up here?” She asks lifting up her head from my shoulder looking me directly in my eyes.
“I just knew” I say. It was weird, my first instinct was to come up here.
“Do you want to know why I cut?” Siane asks me the question I never thought she say. I nod.
“Truth be told half the time I’m sure myself. One day, when I had came home from a rough day of fifth grade I remember taking a knife and scrapping it across my wrist. I didn’t try to kill myself, like tonight, I just did it and I started to feel better. I cut because most of the time living day by day so mundane it like I’m just breathing. It’s like I’m numb so I do it just to feel something. Once, I had gotten caught by my school that didn't do much besides send me to the shrink. My mom was too busy drunk to notice me. Since then I had started cutting my thighs and during colder months I’d cut my arms.”
She tells me want I had been wondering since the day in the girls bathroom after school.
“I didn’t tell you this before because, well, how could I? I didn’t think you’d understand”
“I understand completely but I really, really want you to stop it.” Siane stares into my eyes without words, she had no protest “You don’t have to cut to feel something.”
What I did next was a bold move, but it was something had been thinking about for a long time.
I kissed her.
“Now, isn’t this a much better feeling than pain?”
She stares at me breathlessly, her eyes became glossy before saying“much better” and kisses me once more.