Cobwebs

“Wake up love.” a soft voice said and someone was shaking my shoulder.

“Go away.” I grumbled and shrank further into my blankets.

“No you need to wake up. It is important.” the voice said. I opened one eye to glare at Devin. He looked like he was going to cry so I rolled out of the bed and brought my pillow out to the front where everyone was sitting around. The looked up at me and it was like you could see them treading water with me.

“What up guys?” I yawned and dropped onto the couch next to Michael. “Dev said something important happened.”

“We got a call.” Chris said and they all looked at me. “Something bad happened.”

“Well fucking tell me Cerulli. Don’t act like you need to walk on glass with me.” I said feeling the anxiety playing with my nerves. “Why does everyone look like someone died?”

“Your friend Katie tried to commit suicide and she is in a hospital.” Angelo said and then they all held their breath to wait for my reaction.

My heart felt like it was skipping beats in my chest and I couldn’t seem to make myself breathe. I stared at him like he had grown to heads and I found myself wishing that he was lying but I knew better than that. They wouldn’t lie to me like that. My eyes teared up and I accidentally dropped my pillow because I couldn’t keep a hold of it. I was to weak.

“Who called?” I whispered.

“A hospital in New Jersey. They said that you were listed as a contact because her family wouldn’t come in.” Devin said quietly and tried to put his hand on my shoulder but I was not in the mood for any form of comfort so I shrugged it off and ignored his hurt face.

“Where are we headed?”

“New York.” Michael said. “I can get a car and take you there ‘cause I don’t have a show the first day there and we all figured you would need to be there with her.”

“What about my job? Will I still have it when I get back?” I asked but I didn't care.

“Of fucking course.” Ryan said. “We can find someone to fill for you until you get back.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

“Okay… thanks… I need to be there.”

“We know and we also know that you would go regardless of your job.” Josh snorted. “I wish we could go with you. You shouldn’t be alone.”

“I won’t be.” I whispered and glanced up at Michael. “Thanks.”

“It isn’t a problem I promise…. They are gonna ask you there why she might’ve done this. Do you have any idea?”

“N-No. She was always so upbeat. She never told me anything about feeling like this. I-I don’t understand why she wouldn’t call me. She always calls me for the smallest things like she was upset because she lost a book and she called me even though we were fighting at the time.” I whispered and started to cry. “She almost killed me when I almost killed myself so why in the fuck would she do this to herself?”

“Depression?” TJ asked.

“Yeah but why?” I cried and dropped my head into my hands and laced my fingers in my hair. “Why would she do this?”

“Why did you?” Michael asked sadly.

“It took nineteen years for all the bullshit to pile up until I couldn’t do it. My mom was a raging bitch. I have scars from my brother attacking me and my dad wasn’t anywhere to be found. Everyday I was called fat no matter how much weight I lost. Everyday I was called every fucking name in the book because of how I looked. Everyday I was afraid that I would be beat up again because of all that. Looking back I am surprised I made it that fucking far in life without trying. You can only take so much torment before you are willing to try anything to escape. But she was a stabilizer for me when I came out of it alive. I hated everyone and everything but she forced me to keep going after she threatened to murder me herself for trying it. I-I can’t believe that she would do this.” I said and picked my pillow up off the floor and felt the bus come to a stop. “What are we doing?”

“Getting a room to sleep in and calm down. We’ll be splitting ways tomorrow until you two are both back on tour.” Ricky said and walked out of the driver’s area. “I’m sorry about your friend Dev and I hope she gets better.”

“Thanks Ricky.” I whispered and stood up. “I’m going out to cool off okay. I’ll have my phone with me.” I put my pillow back in my bunk and found the biggest baggiest sweatshirt of mine and pulled it on. I grabbed my MP3 and put my headphones is before walking back through the room with the music so loud I couldn’t hear them if they tried to talk to me. We were on the coast and there were a shit ton of people out even though it was like midnight and so I just walked away from them and somehow ended up on a beach. I kicked off my shoes and rolled up my skinny jeans as far as they would go then walked out into the freezing ass cold water.