The Sky Under the Sea

[Kellin's POV]

“So, how was the beach?” Jesse asked.
As soon as I stepped onto my tour bus, I was being bombarded by questions from every member of my band.
“Come on guys!” I tried to joke. “You’re acting like a teenage girl’s mother after her first date!”
“It’s the same thing Kellin.” Jack laughed.
“Yeah, tell us what happened before we rush to Pierce the Veil’s bus and ask Vic instead.” Jesse threatened.
“Please don’t!” I yelled out, internally freaking out.
Leaning against the wall, I tried to ignore the glare of suspicion from Jesse as he stepped towards me.
“Okay, what the fuck did you do?” Jack demanded.
Justin was flipping through the options menu on the television screen, pretending not to listen while Gabe eyed me warily.
“Nothing.”
He wasn’t buying it, and after a sharing a look with Jesse, they half-carried me into the backroom and locked the door.
“What are you doing?” I asked softly, curling myself into a small ball on the corner of the couch.
“It was obvious you weren’t going to talk with Justin in the same room, so we decided to take you somewhere more private.” Jack announced.
“I don’t understand.” I lied.
“What happened with Vic and why aren’t you jumping around with lovey-dovey eyes like you were earlier?”
“Nothing happened.” I lied. “I decided I wasn’t really into him.”
“What made you think that?” Jesse pressed.
“We kissed, okay? He kissed me and I realized I just didn’t return the feelings I thought I had!” I breathed, exasperated.
“What did you tell him?” Jack continued.
“Fucking hell, what is this? Some sort of interrogation?” I questioned.
“Yes.” Jesse answered simply.
“Fine!” I sighed. “I pulled away and freaked out and then I ran away. I acted like an insensitive jerk, I know!”
“He obviously fucking likes you Kellin! The least you could do was act a little nicer.”
“I know.”
“How did the moment to kiss even come up?” Jack asked curiously. “I mean, since you aren’t together or anything, it had to be the perfect moment, right?”
“Something like that.” I muttered.
“So?” he prodded.
I kept silent, not wanting to tell them about my self-harming. That wasn’t something I was planning on them finding out.
Not anytime soon, at least.
Pulling down the hem of my sleeves, I stared blankly at the wall as I racked my brain for an answer that would work.
“We were telling each other confessions.” I settled.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” I shrugged it off.
“Either way, there was a better way to tell him you didn’t like him.” Jesse mumbled, getting up.
I watched as he left the back room, joining Justin and Gabe.
Jack stayed behind, watching me with a thoughtful expression while I played with a strand of hair and tried to ignore him.
“It’s Justin, isn’t it?” he finally spoke up.
“What?”
“You like Vic.” Jack spoke matter-of-factly. “There’s no denying it, you’re just afraid of another relationship because of Justin.”
I nodded, afraid to speak.
“Kellin, you can’t be afraid of moving forward because of what some asshole did to you. I know I’m speaking badly about my own friend, but it’s true. He’s an asshole, and you didn’t deserve what he did. Point remains, you can’t be afraid.”
“You’re right.” I whispered.
There was an ongoing battle in my head; a part of me refused to admit I had feelings for him, while another was just head over heels with the idea of Vic.
“You need to talk to him.” Jack urged.
“Yeah!” I nodded, pulling myself off the couch and towards the front door of the bus. Thankfully, I was still wearing my jacket and shoes.
I headed towards Pierce the Veil’s bus, knocking on the door harshly.
After a second, the door opened to reveal Vic’s tall, intimidating brother.
“Uh, hey Mike.” I stuttered awkwardly. “I was wondering if I could talk to Vic for a minute.”
“He’s not here.” Mike replied, moving aside.
I stepped up quickly, standing in the open doorway as I scanned the room to confirm the fact that Vic wasn’t here.
“He’s crashing on Bring Me’s bus.” Jaime called out, looking up from his phone.
“Oh, thanks.”
Waving goodbye, I was about to barge onto Oli’s bus, but the sound of a motor running stopped me.
The buses were about to leave, and I didn’t have time to confront Vic.
Not if I wanted a ride to the next venue, and if this conversation with Vic didn’t go smoothly, I don’t think Oli would allow me to stay on his bus.
Running back to mine, I threw myself on my bunk and closed the thick curtain in an attempt for some peace and quiet.
The road was bumpy and long, but it wasn’t that which kept me up.
It was my never-ending cycle of fighting thoughts.
I had fucked up, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.
My only escape was resting at the bottom of the ocean floor, trailing across grains of sand and washing off my memories.

--

When the bus arrived at the next venue, the sun was starting to rise and I was long since awake.
After giving up on sleep, I had suffered a shower in the compacted bathroom and spent a frustrating amount of time on my hair.
Clothing was simple – skinny jeans, toms, and a dark green sweater over a plain shirt; it wasn’t like anyone was going to see it.
I had practiced my script; word for word of what I was going to tell Vic.
He was such a great person, he didn’t deserve me but he also deserved to be happy and I was going to give him that.
Watching through the window, I watched Bring Me The Horizon’s bus until their door opened and a sleepy Vic stepped out.
His hair was an adorable, ruffled mess.
Twenty painstakingly long minutes after he had stepped onto his own bus, I grabbed my cellphone and headed over.
Knocking shyly, I prayed Mike wouldn’t answer.
To tell you the truth, he kind of scared me. I don’t know, he just seemed like he could easily hurt me if I pissed him off.
Thankfully, it was Jaime who answered the door.
“Hey Kellin!” he greeted loudly, probably awakening everyone within a twelve mile radius of the parking lot.
“Morning.” I smiled softly, stepping on.
It wasn’t long before Vic appeared from the back, running his fingers through his perfect hair.
“Oh, hey Kellin.” He smiled weakly, waving.
“I was wondering if we could talk…” I muttered bluntly, getting straight to the point.
Jaime seemed confused, but from his spot on the couch, Tony exchanged a silent conversation with Vic before smiling and urging him forward.
“Sure, let’s go to the backroom.” Vic decided awkwardly. “Mike’s still asleep, by the way.”
“Oh.”
He closed the door behind him, settling down on the sofa.
The scene reminded me too much of last night with Jesse and Jack questioning every aspect of my evening.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
I could see the heartbreak lingering in his eyes. The way he took shallow little breaths as if he were trying to keep himself together.
I couldn’t do this to him, I just couldn’t.
“I wanted to apologize about last night.” I started. It was the truth. “I shouldn’t have freaked out like that, and I’m sorry. I just didn’t know how to react.”
“That’s what Oli said.” Vic murmured thoughtfully.
The apprehension lessened on his features, but it was still clearly there.
“I just wanted to say…”
Come on Kellin, just say it! I don’t want to be with you! I don’t return the feelings! I’m afraid of relationships and I don’t trust you!
Fuck, could I be anymore inconsiderate?
“I want to give us a chance.” I blurted out.
No!
That’s not what I wanted to fucking say! My heart was telling me yes, go for it! Give Vic a chance, it’ll be worth it!
Yet my head was calling me a fool. You remember what happened with Justin! It’ll happen again!
It’s not like anyone would ever love me enough to never break my heart.
I was such a fuck-up.
It was going to happen, sooner or later.
I was so wrapped up in my stupid little thoughts; I hadn’t paid attention to Vic’s reaction to my words.
He looked like a child on Christmas morning who had gotten everything he asked for and more.
The smile he was trying to repress was peeking through, causing his eyes to shine brighter than the sun.
It was a heartwarming sight, and I almost felt at ease with the idea of complete trust and a whole new relationship.
Almost.
“I was wondering…” Vic whispered, tracing invisible patterns on the palm of my hand, “if you’d like to go to breakfast with me?”
“I’d love to.” I smiled, only half-wanting to.
It all narrowed down into that constant argument between my head and my heart. This wasn’t a fight I didn’t want to see my head win.
“Before we go, I just wanted to make this official…” Vic trailed off nervously, as if I were going to have second thoughts. “Kellin, would you be my boyfriend?”
Thoughts were racing through my head.
I didn’t like him…but I did.
I liked him…but I didn’t.
Vic is just a friend, Kellin. He’s a friend, and nothing but a friend.
“Of course.” I lied.