Disasterology

“Vic…are you okay?” Mike was next to me, helping me fold and hang shirts.
I nodded.

It was a complete lie. I wouldn’t consider myself “okay”.

It’s been a month since Kellin came back home. He still has nightmares. He still screams in the middle of the night claiming that he doesn’t want to live anymore, but then he doesn’t remember it the next day. I end up staying awake to calm him down, and then I can’t sleep because it’s just so frightening…

I’m so scared of losing him again.

I can’t really remember the last time I got a decent amount of sleep.

I tried cleaning the floor of the piano room again, but that horrible stain still won’t come out…
Kellin knew what I was doing…but he doesn’t understand…

He doesn’t understand how I tried to get rid of the painful evidence…that evidence showing how I almost lost him…how I did lose him…

And then…there was the kiss.

We haven’t kissed like that ever since. Now it was just me, giving him small pecks on his cheek or forehead.

My brain says it’s better off like this. My heart hates me and the thought that it can’t have what it wants.

“Vic, what’s wrong? You look like you’re having World War III inside of your head.”
“I’m fine, Mike. I’m fine…”

I knew he didn’t believe me…I just don’t want to be bothered about it.

He gave me a look telling me that this wasn’t over, then he walked into the back room.
Kellin and Andy walked into the store with boxes in their hands. “Hey, where do you want us to set these?”

“Just place them on the floor…”
I rubbed my wrist through the sleeve of my sweater. It still hurt and itched.

I guess the damage that I did last night didn’t heal yet.

Everyone would be so ashamed if they found out…

“Hey, Vic!”
Andy snapped me out of my thoughts. “Hm…?”

“Are you okay…? You seem really out of it—”
“Will everyone just stop asking me that?! I’m fine! I’m f**king fine!”

I don’t know why I yelled.
I just did…

Everyone stared at me in shock.

I ran into one of the rooms and locked the door. I let the tears flow non-stop and I continued to rub my wrist.
I hissed when I felt a sharp pain, then I saw spots of blood bleed through the sleeve.

At this point…I just didn’t care anymore…

“Vic…”
It was Kellin.

“Please…just leave me alone…I don’t want to talk to anyone right now…”
“Let me in, Vic.”

I don’t have to do it…I don’t have to listen to him…

I got up and unlocked the door before I returned to my spot on the floor. He walked inside and closed the door behind him, then he sat in next to me on the floor as well.

I didn’t dare look at him.

“Vic…”
I didn’t respond to him.

He leant close to me and kissed me on the cheek, then he rested his head on my shoulder.
“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize…all of this is my fault anyway…”