Beneath Your Perfect

I knocked on the door again and waited but there was still no answer. I glanced around the hallway before giving up and making my way back towards the stairs. Liam wasn’t home, or he wasn’t answering the door for me. I hope it was the first reason.

Turning the corner I made straight for the stairs. Grabbing my phone out I unlocked the screen and stepped to the side when I saw shoes coming into my vision.

“Jade?” My head snapped up at his voice. Liam was standing in front of me sweating and panting slightly. His white shirt clung to his body in all the right places. I swallowed quickly before moving my eyes to his brown ones. “What are you doing here?”

“I uh, came to see you. But you weren’t home.” I replied stupidly. Liam just nodded.

“I went for a run.” My turn to nod. “Did you want to come in now?”

I glanced towards the stairs and at my phone before nodding again. I followed Liam down the hallway, he kept shooting glances at me over his shoulder like I would disappear while he wasn’t watching. Ignoring his looks, I pretended to play on my phone. Even though I was doing absolutely nothing but staring at the wallpaper of Aria, Sarah and Me at my last birthday party.

“So?” Liam said awkwardly the moment we were inside his flat with the door shut. “About the other day Jade, I’m sorry about the book. I didn’t mean to take it, well I did but this was before I knew you. It was a stupid thing to do.”

I refrained from rolling my eyes at him. a

“Aria and Sarah think I overreacted.” I commented lightly as Liam’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. Whether he was surprised that anyone thought I overreacted. Or he was surprised that Aria and Sarah took his side, I wasn’t sure. “That book means a lot to me. But you didn’t know that, so I guess I didn’t really have the rigaht to yell at you for that. But you still shouldn’t have taken it.”

“I know. I’m really sorry.” He replied softly, scratching the back of his head.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you. Calling you a waste of time was really unfair.” I apologised. Liam nodded at me. We stayed silent for a while longer as I shifted on the spot awkwardly.

“Well I guess I’ll just go then.” I said, not knowing what else to say, before making my way towards the door.

“Wait, Jade. Do you think that maybe we could go somewhere and you could tell me why it’s so important? Like the park that you like to go to off a morning.” I turned to Liam surprised to see hope evident in his face. I couldn’t say no as a small smile lit up his face. “Great, I’ll just go for a quick shower and we can go.”

I watched as he quickly ran down the hallway. Groaning to myself about how good Liam just looked, I made myself comfortable on the couch and turned on the television to some random music channel. I needed something to fill the silence that always lingered in Liam’s flat. It was like silent loneliness. I didn’t know how Liam could live alone when everything was just so bare.

-

“So it’s like a diary?” Liam asked me as we sat on the park bench. I took a breath before turning my body to face him, placing my leg between us. He turned his head to look at me.

“Yes and no.” I answered. “My notebook contains every quote and picture that has ever meant anything to me. I’ve written every thought I’ve had about a book or even something that may never be in my books in that notebook. Everything I believe in is in that notebook. It’s who I am. Every hope, aspiration or depressing feeling I’ve had is in there. It helps me cope through things so I guess that part makes it like a diary. But it’s all tied together with my writing.” I paused for a moment as I tried to word what I was meaning.

“My writing is a way for me to get my own thoughts and feelings out there. I can transform what I think into this different character and give them their own beliefs and opinions. It’s like my version of meditating. It calms me down and let’s all the emotions that become too much for me pass on into something else. Sometimes the world frustrates me and I want to change the politics. So I create a character who become the leader of the world and changes things. I might create a character who stops wars because to me they are pointless and destructive. Each character I make has a little part of me then starts them. But then I create these whole different scenarios around them so it’s no longer me. But every thought I have to start that character is in that book. I’m not sure if I’m explaining this really well.” I bit my lip and stared at Liam who for some reason was smiling softly at me.

“You’re doing a great job. I get what you’re saying. It’s like when I sing. I put a part of me into that song. But the lyrics might not have anything to do with me or my life but it’s my voice singing those lyrics. So a part of me is in it. I get why you would be so protective of that book. I would be too. I really am sorry for taking it and reading it.” I made a face as Liam said the last part.

“That’s the other thing. You’ve actually read it. No one and I mean no one has ever read that book. My family hasn’t and neither have Aria or Sarah. Just you. Do you get how personal that is? You’ve read things about me that no one else knows. I’m not afraid to admit that that scares me, just a little.” I told him honestly. My eyes travelled down to stare at my hands.

“I don’t know if this helps but it was the most beautiful book I’ve ever read.” I glanced up at him to see him looking down at me seriously. A small smile lit my features. “I won’t tell anyone about it and I won’t hold it against you. You’ve done a lot for me, I promise in return I won’t even mention anything from it.”

“Thank you.” I told him softly. It still unnerved me though. There were thoughts in that book from my lowest of times and from my highest. Feelings I had after relationships had ended and while they were happening. About my family and about my friends. He knew me a lot better then I knew him and I think that’s what is scaring me the most. I still didn’t know him.

“Are we okay to go back to being how we were before?” Liam asked me softly, eyes not meeting mine this time. I agreed even though I don’t think we could ever go back to being how we were before. We both knew more than we did before. I wanted to talk to him about what Eleanor had told me but I didn’t want to wipe the smile off his face or push him away.

“I have another question.” He said rubbing the back of his neck and looking at me sheepishly.

“What?” I asked sceptically.

“We have a concert tomorrow night. And well I wanted to know if you would come with? The other boy’s girlfriends are coming so you will have someone to talk to.” Liam looked at me almost pleadingly. I debated for a moment before nodding. His face lit up massively and I thought for a second he was going to pounce on me instead I was pulled into a hug. I squeaked in surprise before wrapping my own arms around his neck breathing in the smell of him. His hair smelled amazing from his shower not that long ago.

“Thank you for doing this. I mean everything, I know I’m a bit of handful.” He told me, pulling back. I noticed the flashes of camera going off much quicker and a part of me wondered if that hug was because he wanted to or because that was what the cameras wanted. I hated the fact that I had to doubt ever interaction we have and wander if it’s a real one.

A part of me worried as Liam and I sat together in comfortable silence, that he was too happy too quickly. He was using a genuine smile I could see that but it still was a large one. He seemed okay and to the outside world so far he was less hostile. But I saw the way he still shied his face away any time a young girl would walk by. He still didn’t want his fan base. I think Liam Payne would be a much happier person if he was no longer a celebrity.

I had no doubt that the celebrity life had broken Liam especially after what Eleanor had told me yesterday. But by trying to be okay and ignoring it like Eleanor wants won’t make it better. I was worried that Liam would try to forget the part that broke him and instead of fix himself he would just continue in this state of half liking and half hating life. Because in the end it could push him further off the edge.

“Oh crap, I didn’t realise the time. I have to go to a radio interview in about an hour. I can still walk you home though.” Liam reasoned. I shook my head.

“It’s fine Liam. I can walk myself. Done it many times before.” I joked. His face grew serious.

“Yeah but I don’t trust them.” He motioned his head towards the paparazzi. I eyed them as they continued to photograph us. I conceded and let Liam walk me home. He left me at the door promising to talk to me later about the times for tomorrow night. And then he was gone and I was left alone out front of my flat wondering why I was still falling for a boy that didn’t even know himself.

I pushed the door open and made my way towards my laptop and notebook. I instantly typed in Liam Payne into the search bar. It was time that I started to do some research. Proper research and try to figure out what happened to Liam. I needed answers and he wasn’t willing to give them to me just yet.

As I waited for the page to load I grabbed my notebook and skimmed the pages. I glanced back at the laptop and started to scroll through searches from some months ago. I started to read headlines that surprised me.

One Direction not as clean cut as once thought

One Direction’s Liam Payne: Mental Breakdown

One Direction to call it quits

Fame and Fortune to much for Liam Payne to handle

Supposed Good Boy lost his way?

Liam Payne cheats on long time girlfriend Danielle Peazer?

Is Liam Payne really a good role model for our young generation today?

Frowning I began to click on certain articles to start reading. I began to understand why Liam was as he was. When the whole world start to lose faith in you and turn its back, you start to lose faith in yourself and the world.