Beneath Your Perfect

Taking a deep breath I knocked on Liam’s door before stepping back and waiting. I hadn’t talked to Liam since two nights ago and I was worried. He hadn’t replied to any of my texts and calls from yesterday.

The moment he opened the door, I knew why. He had read it. His face showed no emotion as he stood in the doorway just staring at me.

“Did you at least finish it?” I asked him softly. He didn’t respond but I could see his jaw muscles tensing, his hands were clasped in a fist by his side. I wished that his face would at least show some emotion, something to tell me how he was feeling.

“Can I come in?” I asked softly, trying to keep eye contact with his eyes no matter how much it hurt too. He moved stiffly to the side and let me walk in. I jumped when the door slammed behind me. I noticed the book sitting on the couch, left open. He was close to the end but not close enough for my liking.

I stood there quietly, feeling Liam’s eyes burn into me. I didn’t know what to say, where to start. I needed to know what his feeling were before I could say anything.

“Was all this, what we were, just an experiment for you?” Liam’s low voice suddenly broke the silence. I tried no to dwell that he talked about our relationship in past tense.

“It’s not about you.” I said in reply, glancing up to meet his eyes. He shook his head and moved past me towards the book.

“Don’t lie to me. That’s the least you could do.” He hissed at me. “I trusted you! After everything I told you and you pull this crap!”

“You can trust me Liam! It’s not about you! It’s not about anybody. It’s not even about me!” I cried back, taking a step towards him.

“Just because the names are different you think no one would notice. That I wouldn’t notice!” He cried out picking up the book and shaking it in front of my face. I shook my head at him desperately.

“It’s about a guy whose been hurt, by the people around him, by society, by everyone. You inspired this character I will say that. But it’s not about you! It’s about depression; it’s about someone who has reached the lowest point in his life. Has been kicked to the curb and forgotten about by society. Every terrible thing that could possibly happen to him happens.”

“Is that how you see my life?”

“No, for fucks sake no! Because it’s not about you! You were hurt but you are not depressed! You haven’t intentionally hurt yourself. And I’m certainly not the girl in there. The girl who has never been hurt who believes in fucking unicorns and gold at the end of the rainbow. You know for a fact that I’m not that innocent, that my life hasn’t been like hers!” I watched as his faced softened at my words only for a moment.

“You weren’t going to tell me about this were you! You were just going to get it published and let me find out that way weren’t you?” He asked me softly. His eyes looking away from mine.

“I didn’t know how to tell you.” I admitted to him.

“No, that’s not a good enough excuse! You should have told me from the moment you started writing. I should have known what you were writing.”

“I didn’t want you to freak out and leave. I wanted you to understand everything about it, that I love you and that I wasn’t using you for this. I understood how it looks but that’s not how it is!” I could feel the tears building in my eyes and I hated myself for it. I wanted to be strong and resilient so Liam knew that I wasn’t backing down from this. That I wasn’t leaving.

“You are not publishing this!” He suddenly said as I looked up at him in surprise. “If you love me you won’t publish this.”

“You can’t ask me that.” I said softly, shaking my head, willing the tears to not full as they began to blur my vision.

“How is this fair? Everyone is going to know it’s about me! Everyone knows you’re dating me and then they read this! What else are they going to think?” He yelled at me, raising his voice higher then I’ve heard him before.

“I wrote this! I did it. It’s not just about you. The characters aren’t just you! It’s everyone I’ve ever met. Everyone in my diaries or in life who have ever been hurt or felt betrayed or at their lowest. I wrote this because it means something to me. Because I want someone to read this and feel like they’re not alone that at the end of the day that everything gets better. It gets better.”

“At my expense?” I shook my head at his stubbornness.

“Writing is my life Liam. This is my life! Would you stop singing for me if I asked you too?”

“If what I was singing about offended you then yeah!” He waved his hand around wildly.

“Then you’re a better person then me because I’m not getting rid of that book. I spent ages writing it and perfecting and figuring out how I want every character to be, how I wanted them to act and grow. This is my baby everything I have ever done is worked towards this book.” I tried to get him to understand but I don’t think he could.

“Can’t you see that every experience I have ever had is in that book. If other people can read that book and read what I had to go through what other people had to go through and it helps them, then what I had to experience doesn’t seem so bad. If I can help someone who has been abused or stop someone from getting abused or stop someone abusing then the fact that Noah hit me makes it worth it. If I can change someone’s life, just one person than at least every terrible thing that has happened to me is worth it. Do you get that? This book is about me, not you. You influence one character but they are all apart of me.” The tears were easily flowing now as Liam regarded me wearily, staying silent.

“That book is going to be published, I’ve been working my ass of for that. And I’m sorry but it’s going to happen. I love you and I’m sorry if this hurt you.” Liam’s eyes hardened again at my words as he shook his head and looked away.

“Get out.” He said eventually. My eyes widened in shock at him as I sucked my bottom lip in but I refused to leave him. I had promised him a long time ago that I wouldn’t.

“I promised you I wouldn’t leave, I’m not Danielle.” I said angrily, straightening my back and refusing to give into him.

“I never wanted Dani to leave, but I want you to.” He hissed out, eyes glaring directly into mine. The breath fell from my lungs as my shoulders slumped forward. The tears began in my eyes again at his words.

“Liam.” I said angrily through my tears.

“You don’t love me. I was just a source of information for your book.” I flinched as her threw the book across the room. “I want you out.”

He turned his back to me and I refrained from remarking about his childishness.

“Can you just read the rest of the book? Please. Just read the end and I hope you’ll understand.” I said softly, Liam didn’t turn or even acknowledge that he heard me. Trying not sniffle I turned and moved towards the door.

“I’m sorry I am. But I’m not going to regret what I wrote. I’m not going to cancel it.” I waited again and received no response. Glancing back towards the book I quickly shut Liam’s door. My body slumped backwards against it as I closed my eyes trying to get my breathing back under control.

I heard noises coming making me move quickly from the door and down to the car. I could feel more tears building up and my hands shook while I tried to turn the keys. My whole body was aching and shaking but I needed to get out of here. I need to Aria and Sarah and Jaz.

I could feel the sobs rising and choking in my throat as I drove onto the road. I could feel the hysteria building as I pulled into Aria’s parking lot. I almost fell to the ground as my legs could barely handle the pressure of my body weight. I was so pathetic I couldn’t even hold myself up. I could barely knock on the door to her place but the noise was enough to get her attention.

It was enough for her to pull me in and have me seated before the crying came, before the sobbing started. Before the shaking became so violent that Aria thought I was having a fit. At least I was safe and sitting down before my heart broke. I could feel it beating and hurting. I could feel it fall apart as my mind played Liam’s face over and over again. As he told me to leave.

My body didn’t want to understand because I love him. I loved his voice and his touch. The words he used and how he moved. I couldn’t understand that he told me to leave. That every time I told him I loved him he refused to reply with the words I wanted.

“I wanted to go back in there.” I started after Aria, Sarah and Jaz were all seated around me comfortingly. My body felt weak and tired, my eyes puffy and my head ached. I had cried and sobbed for a long time before I was able to speak. “I wanted to scream at him until he understood. Until he understood why the book was so important to me. I need him to understand that and I need him to forgive me for that. But I know I can’t get that from him. Because he’s Liam and he’s broken and bruised only slightly bandaged. And he can’t forgive, he won’t.”

Sarah squeezed me tighter trying to comfort me. But even with them surrounding me, I felt too alone.

“It’s not fair. It’s my book. I wrote it. It’s up to me what happens in it. He doesn’t get a say.” I said screwing my face up in anger. He didn’t have the right.

“You can’t blame this on him.” Jaz said suddenly shaking her head at me. I looked at her shocked. “You should have told him sooner. You should have told him while you were writing it. You can’t blame him for being angry, for not understanding. You didn’t exactly explain in good time.”

“Whose side are you on?” I glared at her. She smiled at me sadly.

“Always yours Jade. Always yours. But this time you don’t get to blame the guy. This was your fault. He didn’t hurt you, this time you hurt him. He trusted the wrong person with his heart just like you have many times before. You closed yourself off from him; you always close us off from your writing because that’s how you heal but not this publicly hun. He’s too famous, too public for that type of writing to be okay in your relationship.” I didn’t want to believe her words.

I wanted to be angry at him, I wanted to blame him for ruining us. But she was right because I had stuffed this one up. I had ignored the problem and pretended everything was okay and when the time came, I blamed him. Because lately I always blame the guy and I hurt Liam by doing that.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered out as she pulled me into a hug whispering sympathetic words in my ear. Words I wasn’t sure I deserved.