Beneath Your Perfect

“Sweetie you can’t just mope here forever.” My mothers voice said from somewhere above me.

“Watch me,” I mumbled grumpily into the pillow. I felt the couch sink next to me and I turned to look up at her. I hated how her eyes could read my face so easily.

“Honestly Jade this isn’t normally like you.” She said softly to me. “Have you tried calling him?”

“Multiple times Mum. But he won’t answer. He’s never going to speak to me again. I’m such a fucking horrible human being.”

“Then don’t publish the book?” My mum questioned softly, I was surprised she didn’t scold me for swearing.

“Is that what you think I should do? Not publish the book?” I asked her, biting my lip waiting for her reaction. I had been thinking about that since my fight with Liam two days ago. Of course I would be thinking about it but I didn’t know if I could destroy it, I had worked so hard on it. It meant a lot to me. But I didn’t want to hurt Liam.

“I can’t make that decision for you Jade. You need to decide this.” She said pressing a kiss to my cheek as I glared at her.

“But if you were me. What would you do?” I asked her urgently, I needed to know.

“You’ve worked so hard for this book. I’ve seen how hard. But I’ve also seen how much you love Liam and how much he loves you. It’s going to be a hard decision.” She shrugged before leaving the room. I pouted at where she had been standing. She was no help at all, only stating what I had already known.

Sighing I glanced down at my phone pathetically before instantly hitting redial and watch my phone light up to Liam’s picture. Lifting to my ear I waited with baited breath through all the rings.

It continued through to voicemail like normal. I decided not to leave a message since I had already done that the last twenty times. There was nothing more I could say. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to go over his house but I was afraid that that wasn’t going to have a better outcome.

I blinked away the tears in my eyes as I headed out back wanting the fresh air. I sat down on the verandah steps and looked over the backyard I used to play in when I was younger. When I was carefree and didn’t have to worry about boys or the right choices.

I glanced over as someone sat down next to me. I hastily wiped the tears from my eyes as Jared stared at me pitifully before pulling me into a hug.

“I swear I’m going to hurt him.” He whispered softly into my ear. I sighed and shook my head allowing myself to be squished against his chest. “He promised me he wouldn’t hurt you. I know you don’t want to hear this but I told you Jade. I told you he was no good from the start.”

“Will you stop?” I grumbled at him, pulling myself out of his arms and stepping off the steps.

“You’re can’t keep protecting them Jade.” He replied standing up and glaring down at me.

“You don’t get it.” I told him glaring back.

“Did he hit you?” I sighed and shook my head at him.

“No, God Jared no. I hurt him okay. This was my fault this time. I did this.” I could feel the tears fall as Jared watched me for a moment.

“How? I uh...” Jared stood in front of me looking completely clueless. It was these points in my life where I actually wished that I had an older sister.

“It was my book. My stupid, stupid book.”

“I haven’t read it Jade. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jared said softly, stepping forward and placing his hands on my shoulders, rubbing them comfortingly.

“I based a character on Liam and I didn’t tell him.” I stated bluntly, slumping my shoulders.

“And I’m assuming he didn’t take it well.” I shook my head at Jared who pulled me into his arms.

“There was yelling and I was pretty stubborn. And I really hurt him Jared, I don’t know what to do.” I whispered to him softly.

“Sarah told me you love him.” I nodded into his arms, squeezing myself closer to his chest.

“It hurts, I was stupid and it hurts.” Jared squeezed me against him and sat us both back down on the steps, whispering soft words into my ear.

“Would you be angry at Sarah if I told you she told me how you both got into a relationship.” I pulled out of his arms suddenly at his words. If Sarah had told him I would expect anger or some emotion coming from him, but he was calm.

“You’re not angry?” I questioned him confused. He sighed and glanced out over the backyard.

“I was, I was very angry Jade. I feel like all you do is throw yourself into hurtful situations. Just constantly. Do you know how hard it is to protect you when you’re always so willing to hurt yourself?” A few more tears fell as he refused to meet my eye.

“I can protect myself you know.” I told him sternly, he needed to know that he didn’t always have to protect me. “I’m sorry that I didn’t protect myself from Noah. And I know you’re angry at me about that. So I’m sorry that I couldn’t be stronger. But you don’t have to protect me anymore Jared. I’m not as pathetic as I was.”

“I’m not angry at you Jade!” Jared shook his head instantly. “I’m angry at myself. I should have seen it. I should have known that you were in trouble. I was never angry with you. Don’t you ever think that.”

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered to him as he pulled me tightly against his side.

“Is it so wrong of me to want to hide you away from the world all the time Jade. You’re so innocent sometimes and you don’t see some things. You’re always so tied up in the worlds you make up that sometimes you forget about the people in front of you. You forgot about how the real Liam would feel about this book.”

“I must have really stuffed up if you’re giving me advice.” I teased him lightly as he tickled my side.

“I wasn’t angry about how yours and Liam’s relationship started because I knew you loved him. Because I could see he loved you so if that’s what you had to do to find the person that would treat you like a princess then I guess I’m okay with that.” Jared smiled down at me, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Everything’s such a mess though Jared. I don’t know how to fix it.” I sighed glancing around.

“Talking would probably be best.” I rolled my eyes at the tone in his voice.

“He won’t talk to me.”

“Then give him space. He needs to think Jade. Now come on inside. Mum’s making dinner and Dad’s trying to help and you know how well that goes.” I smiled up at Jared before letting him pull me up and into the house.

I glanced down at my phone and saw that Liam still hadn’t tried to contact me.

I’m sorry for what I did

I stared at my phone before pressing send on the text message and pocketing the phone. I tried to not pull it out every second to see if he had replied.

I sat down at the table next to Jaz and leant my head against her shoulder and she pressed a kiss to it.

“How are you feeling?” She whispered softly as everyone busied themselves around us setting things up. I could feel hands on my shoulders squeezing comfortingly trying to make me feel better. But I wasn’t sure I deserved their comfort and I wondered who would be giving Liam this comfort.

“About as shit as I look.” I answered honestly. She nodded and rested her head against mine in acceptance.

I sat there and endured the dinner with my family allowing their talking and laughter to distract from my own thoughts.

I couldn’t help but practically jump out of my seat when my phone buzzed. I moved from the room and pulled it out, frowning slightly as I saw Eleanor’s name flash across the screen.

I debated not answering the phone but I knew I had to. I deserved whatever she was going to yell at me.

“You need to fix whatever you did!” Was the first one spoken to me as soon as I placed the phone to my ear. I frowned and chewed my lip before replying.

“He won’t let me talk to him! I’ve tried, I really have.” I responded softly. I heard a sigh and shuffling before she replied again.

“He won’t talk to us Jade and I don’t know what you did but he’s really upset. What did you do?”

“I may have not told him about something kind of important.” I fell onto the couch in the lounge room and stared at the blank television waiting for her reply.

“Don’t leave him,” She said suddenly through the phone taking me by surprise.

“I don’t want to leave him Eleanor. He kicked me out and won’t answer my calls.” I tried to defend.

“Then keep trying because right now I’m looking at a Liam that is slowly disintegrating into the one you first met and if you don’t fix this soon I don’t think he can mend himself again.” Before I could reply there was a click and I was met with the dial tone.

I groaned in frustration as tears built in my eyes. I wanted to do something to make him forgive me but I didn’t know what. My fingers moved through my contacts as I hovered over my publisher. I could do it. I could cancel the book. I could delete what I had spend the last couple of months writing, the last couple of years of my life experiencing. I had never been more proud of a book then I was of this one. But I could do it. I could cancel it all.

But that didn’t mean I would get Liam back. It didn’t promise me anything except a hidden book. And cancelling my book hurt a fair amount too.

I moved my finger and scrolled further down before clicking on Liam’s name. I waited with baited breath and stopped breathing when the phone was answered. He didn’t say anything to tell me he was the one but I could hear his small breaths as he waited.

“Liam?” I questioned softly and received nothing in response. I pulled on parts of my hair hard and let the few tears roll.

“I don’t know if you’re hearing this or not. But I’m sorry I really am and I really think we need to talk about this. I know what I did was wrong and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying to you and I’m sorry for not taking the blame.

For so long I blamed myself for what Noah did. And then I stopped and I blamed him and I got so used to blaming everyone else for what happened to me that I never took the blame again. And that was wrong. So I’m sorry and please I just want to talk.” I waited a moment. “Liam?”

The dial tone suddenly met my ears as a chocked sob left my mouth. I frowned down at the phone before dropping it onto the table and curling up on the couch, bringing the cushion up to my chest to hug. I tried to stop the shaking of my lip as I stared blankly ahead.

I guess I never realised how much I counted on Liam in my life or how much I loved him until he was gone. And the feeling of him not being around hurt like hell.